European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 5, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 18 the stars and stripes april columns comments today crossword Buffon conspiracy busting out All Over by Russell Baker three months ago my buttons started falling 1 didst pay any attention at you know about one morning youre getting ready to strangle yourself with the daily Necktie and a Collar Button Falls you dont get edgy about Collar buttons fall so on this particular off comes the Collar a minute or so later i am buttoning a sleeve and what do you know cuff Button comes off it my now that not a daily event two buttons coming off before the on the other its not an astounding coincidence i didst even mention it when i got to work later that morning and Finney from auditing whats new not i As i now what i should have said my buttons have started falling of without an accurate Crystal How could i have known that the very next Day a Black Button would fall off my overcoat this was the Button that first made me retrieving it from the i said to some thing funny is going on with my when you Wear a 19yearold buttons fall she she had a at when Finney whats new i almost have you read any thing Peculiar in the paper lately about buttons i didst say statistically speaking it was probably interesting that in a 24hour period three buttons had fallen off a single but was it significant for the next three Days not a Button i put the matter out of whats new Finney asked each Day As 1 arrived at the each Day i not on the fourth i put on my new flannel Slacks with the Button Down Flap covering the left hip pocket and started to on the fifth step i heard the unmistakable Click of a Button falling on an a carpeted Stair it was All i knew even before i looked that the Button Down Flap covering my left hip pocket was no longer but toned sensible people Are worried to death about the bomb getting my wife and All you can worry about is a Button you ought to count your that the logic of somebody who can handle Only one terror at a i dont see Why worrying that the bomb May get me at any moment should keep me from worrying that buttons might be a lot More sin ister than people after the disturbing fall of the Button Down Flap there was a week without then a second of course i was Alert All this prowl ing the looking for suspiciously Loose one morning i brought a Box of freshly Laun dered shirts Home from the opened it and discovered two buttons missing from two of the laundry might take one but two buttons nobody can persuade me that this was the work of your typical laundry Button so it had started whats new said Finney that i do you think there could possibly be a conspiracy by the thread Trust to create a thread that would All rot away thereby Caus ing buttons to fall off in Masse All Over America nothing new with he exactly three Days while struggling into my antique Trench i heard the sound that had begun to fill me with a Button had hit the it was a Button for buttoning in the Trench Coats Wool what is this rain of buttons trying to Tell me 1 that its time you junked that old Trench my wife its turned against my beloved old Trench coat i had bought it 20 years ago so i would look like Humphrey it haunt worked but i was reluctant to quit now the liner Button had the following wrapping it around me again i heard a Button there was an epidemic of falling buttons and the Center of infestation was be coming my Trench whats new asked Finney that do you think people reach a time in life when their buttons Start trying to Tell them Finney nothing new with said actually there he was wearing a shirt with a Button Down Collar and one of the buttons was miss but i didst Tell out of gratitude he didst Tell me i not like but like Dagwood Bumstead in a Trench c 1985 new York times Syndicate English should be to evolve slowly by James Kilpatrick a letter is at hand from a gentleman in he begins by observing that English is a con stantly growing and changing and he Why cant it grow and change in controlled directions Congress or the he should appoint a language High the commission should develop a 100year plan for improving English it could recommend yearly changes such As simpler Ules of do away with the old business of dropping the v before adding Why cant skate plus ing be skating  this be easier for a japanese or an african 12yearold to learn i believe a common world language would do More for world peace than All the United nations and arms races put lets make it easier for the rest of the world to learn is websters the Only authority Why cant the government publish recommendations to simplify our language what about it my first thought is but the gentleman revives a proposal that merits recurrent Atten spelling Reform has obsessed writers in a steady line from Johnson through George Bernard Shaw to Bertie Thomas interested in eve had some thoughts on the my own thought is that spelling Reform is a process of infinitely slow think of Chaucer gentle lady she Wolde if that she Saugh a Mous caught in a somewhere along the Way from the 14th All that today we univer Sally accept caught and who was responsible for the changes not a Federal that for or take the word the Oxford English dictionary cites pub Lique in Public in pub like in by 1687 Publick was everywhere but a Century later it yielded to and so the spelling has remained for roughly 200 i am Content to leave this unhurried process to such professional lexicographers and linguists As Philip Lawrence Jess Stein and William mor when i was 15 my Mother gave me websters fifth collegiate dictionary for i Learned to spell the word per cent instead of websters new ninth Doest give the time of Day to per its one and that of or Okay by iju5t60t kit won across 1 Dollop 4 titled lady 8 Vampire feature 12 self 13 author Wister 14 brain storm 15 Don Herberts to Persona 17 Dregs 18 Vendor 19 consume 21 finish 22 Jekyll alter ego 26 peels 29 obscure 30 be sick 31 Hau boy 32 one Dwarf 33 Star to series 34 paddle 35 Long time 36 hourglass fill 37 Oriental Sleuth by Eugene Sheffer 39 track 2 monster circuit 3 take to 40 Detroit the lanes output 4 egg Carton 41 farewells units 45 thin Board 5 Tony or 48 nickname Oscar of Don 6malde Rickles 7 Peculiar to 50 Sheet a Region 51 Polly or 8 grime Eller 9 fruit 52 West of drink Hollywood 10 born 53 assist 11 argon or 54 famed Loch radon 55 Eureka 16 France Down 20 weapon 1 lapidary 23 tall concern tale solution time 23 int  45 to yesterdays 24 went As a fire 25 fraternal members 26 space 27 girder Type 28 comic Crosby 29 put on 32 apartment worker 33 Boa like beast 35 Platos h 36 Anwar 38 singing group 39 Grassy areas 42 poet Lazarus 43 provos place 44 famed stadium 45 Springs site work place 47 longevity 49 regret Hubert Aav Pinker s i9tiking Fca Turet inc  come late for brownies