European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 22, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse May 1985 the stars and stripes Page 23 commentary Golf a Hazard of your mental health in the search for the perfect swing is Noth ing compared to the search for the perfect club Lancelot in search of the holy grail was a Dabbler by to a golfers Are sure there is nothing wrong with their games that a simple twist of a Vise a refacing of a Groove or the introduction of a new Blade cant they As in hot Pursuit of i can Tell them from Long experience that the Golf club is As much a natural enemy of Man As the Timber Wolf or the East Indian it is designed to produce Peri Odic seizures of manic depression and really should be on the surgeon generals list of substances harmful to your general most in have not yet come to grips with the fact that each is harbouring a nest of vipers in his Golf mortal enemies disguised As in the interests of Public is the warning the manufacturer does not put on the pack in the order of their Are the True natures of the subversives they Are dealing with the 1 Wood also laughingly As the this diabolic instrument is a steel shafted instrument devised to make a Ball go off at right angles to the club at or to impart a deadly the Only time the Ball goes left is when theres an out abounds there houses with picture the 3 Wood illegitimate offshoot of the Driver that hits a series of ground balls along the Fairway on the occasions when it Doest miss the Ball it is Best clutched in the grip you might use on the neck of a Chicken or a Man you Wake up to find poised Over your bed with a Long it is designed to be swung at Only one rate of blindingly fast and with no More than a Hal foot backswing and firmly locked the 2 Iron an instrument with no discernible i you cant hit a Golf Ball with it May under some suitable for changing a tire or unclogging a Drain but is otherwise As useless As a toothpick after the soup the 5 Iron a dependable club that can be counted on Totake a shot even off a Good lie and propel it instantly into the nearest Sand trap or e u also for making Small holes in the covers of balls or the sides of Golf whichever it makes rare Contact the 7 Iron this is a weapon delicately balanced so that whenever you have a 140yard shot to the it will bite off precisely on eighth of this is because it is ingeniously engineered to Send the Ball straight into the air in the trajectory of a pop foul to the it gets its 140 Yards not horizontally 70 Yards 70 Yards the 8 Iron an interesting Little Gadget in that it has a Builtin water seeking device that so to flush out the nearest body of Salt or and plunge a Ball into the deepest part there it cannot be used on any Green if there is water in front or and should not even be used too near clubhouse i Call mine the it has sunk More shipping than Morgan the the 9 Iron a hunk of Iron perfect for any number of household such As poking a fire or killing a but so programmed that it will hit a Golf Ball Only on the top half and Send in line drive into the nearest clump of Poison it is Best treated As a historic mounted on a clubhouse Wall with an inscription de noting that it never once in 35 years of constant use so much As hit even one Green with the Golf never mind made one Stop on Sand wedge an implement that can either drive a Golf Ball deeper into the Sand or Send it on an orbit Over the whichever is it is famous for sending the Ball Over two fences and through a neighbouring window into a family Kitchen before com ing to rest in a pile of expensive crockery or a Louis Xiv it is so crafted that it can never hit the first Ball out of the trap or keep the second one on the Golf pitching wedge a diabolical tool that should come with a recording that automatically freon the right my not Over there on it is handcrafted never to hit a Ball straight and Seldom in the fortunately it bends easily around a tree or Over a knee and sinks rapidly when thrown in a lateral water Hazard where it Ginty an orphan club that has the unique capacity for taking a bad shot and making it infinitely it is designed Only for trouble which is to say that it cannot cure Only cause it should be used Only on holes where youre trying to let the Boss Cleek a wonder of modern an Iron stick that can hit a Ball with the consistency and accuracy of a chocolate it is calibrated to Stop abruptly on Impact and move the Ball three or not at it will never get you into any it will never get you Putter an implement that can take a Ball four feet from a Hole and put it 20 feet from the it can cause More hand tremors than bad whiskey and is so delicately weighted that it can leave two foot putts 12 inches it is listed by the american medical association As a leading cause of ulcers in the United it is Best used with eyes tightly Teeth and Knees the most spiritual club in the it is frequently taken out by a player murmuring the lords prayer at the same there Are no atheists on if you know All this and still play the damned look at it this Way some people still los Angeles times Hoyt gets padres Blank mets from press dispatches new York Lamarr Hoyt pitched a four hitter and stroked an rib single and Kevin Mcreynolds homered As the san Diego padres blanked the new York mets 20 monday halted his three game losing allowing two walks and striking no Roundup out he allowed two hits after the second inning and retired 11 in a Row at one Dwight saw his fou game winning Streak he allowed nine hits Over eight struck out nine and did not Issue a Mcreynolds opened the second inning with his fifth Homer of the also extending his hitting Streak to 14 carmelo Martinez then lined a on out double to left and Hoyt hit a two out sin Gle to bring Martinez it was hosts first major league Hoyt got out of a none Cut situation in the first inning when Gary Carter bounced a 30 pitch Back to the Mound to Start a double play and George Foster flied in other no games monday Phillies giants 1 Philadelphia Steve Carlton scattered five hits Over seven innings for his first Victory of the season and Steve Feltzs single broke a seven thinning tie As Philadelphia beat san who is in second place on baseballs Al time strikeout struck out four and walked he now has career trailing Nolan who has losing Pitcher Vida struck out Ozzie Virgil to open the but a photo san Diego Pitcher Lamarr Hoyt fires a four hitter to break his losing Streak Glenn Wilson doubled Down the Loftfield line and scored on Feltzs Kent Tekulve pitched the final two innings to gain his first expos dodgers 1 Montreal Hubie Brooks hit a three run double Ano Pitcher Dan Schatzeder had a two run Homer to go with his seven hitter As Montreal pounded los made his first Start of the season in place of Bryn sidelined with a bruised Schatzeder hit his third career Homer and his first since 1979 off reliever Carlos Diaz in the sixth Brooks hit off Tom Brennan capped a four run with one Tim Raines Drew a walk from starter Bobby Vance Law singled and Andre Daw son doubled for a Brennan relieved he walked Dan Driessen intentionally before Brooks doubled off the left Field missing a grand slam Homer by Only a few cubs reds 1 Chicago Davey Lopes and Steve a couple of reserves making each drove in two runs to Lead Chicago Over snapping the reds five game winning Lopes had a sacrifice Fly and two sin Lake singled in two runs in a three run Scott was the Winner and allowed five hits in hurling his first Complete game of the Jay took the Bob Dernier led off the cubs first in Ning with a stole third and scored on Lopes sacrifice Chicago added two runs in the third inning after Larry Bowa opened with a was sacrificed to second and went to third on a single by was thrown out at the plate on a fielders Choice by Ryne Lopes singled to score Dernier before Sandberg stole Home on the front end of a double steal with Sandberg and Lopes singled to open the sixth with Sandberg scoring on Keith More lands sacrifice Fly and Lopes taking Richie Heber was walked intention Brian Dayett singled to fill the bases before Lake singled Home two More pirates astros 1 Pittsburgh Rick Rhoden scattered four hits Over six innings and delivered a key single in a two run Pittsburgh fifth inning As the pirates Defeated left the game with tight Ness in his pitching Al Holland finished up with three scoreless innings to record his third Holland has allowed Only one run in 21 innings since being traded by Philadelphia to the pirates last with the score tied Bill Almon and Rhoden opened the pirates fifth with sin Gles off Joe and Marvell Wynne bunted the runners Johnny Ray was intentionally walked to Load the Niekro walked Steve Kemp to Force in the godhead and Jason Thompson lofted a sacrifice cardinals braves 0 Louis Willie Mcgee homered and drove in five runs while Andy Van Slyke homered and drove in Power ing Joaquin Andujar and Louis Over allowed the braves Only six singles in the the Start of which was delayed for an hour and 50 minutes by pitching his 17th career shutout and third Complete game of struck out four and walked Terry Pendleton also drove Home three runs for the helping boost the Louis run production to 74 in 11 con
