European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 26, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 18 the stars and stripes july 1985 columns today crossword tired of the bloat hitting America by Russell Baker this is the summer of big tires on Little pickup the effect is grotesque tiny Little truck bodies Riding Way up in the Iii on huge like gorillas Wear ing Beanie Way up in the air behind the steering wheel sits a 98 Pound the front of the Hood commonly bears a handsomely painted usually this name is people who understand pickup trucks Tell me these trucks with the tire bloat arc not serious serious pickup trucks must be big enough to transport 30 Pine boards that Are 8 feet a tractor style Lawn Mower that has to go Back to the shop for 200 feet of Garden three big evil tempered dogs who dont like to feel two cases of Beer and six Bushel baskets of  stable manure to spread on the vegetable All at the same Lor this the experts Tell serious pickup trucks favor very modest tires that keep them reasonably close to the for one getting a tractor style Lawn Mower onto a pickup truck is apparently never any but if your tires elevate the truck bed to the height of your living room the Job will require the help of six Hod carriers sup ported by an ambulance Crew on serious pickup trucks never have a serious pickup truck is called simply the never Lou or a relative of mine whose experience in pickup trucks is extensive cites Many reasons for not naming the most obvious of which is that your friends who got trucks would never Stop laughing if they heard you Clyde needs a new another of is that people who drive serious pickup trucks arc themselves usually named Floyd and like my above mentioned relative none of them would tolerate having his own name painted on his truck in flowing script since anybody who allowed Graceful flowing script to be painted on his truck would probably Wear clothes with Little alligators sewn on and anybody silly enough to paint his own name on his thereby giving unnecessary assistance to the High Way would probably pay Good Money to put a vanity plate on his secondhand Chevy what it comes Down to is that these Gigantic tires supporting Little trucks named Clyde Are not serious but sports a fact demonstrated conclusively by the frequency with which their Drivers turn out to be 98pound girls when they Are not Young men with Little alligators sewn on their but Why such grotesque proportions for a sports truck sports cars tend to be Small and there  be Many buyers for a Jaguar mounted on tires big enough to support a 20story would there the explanation seems to be that the Graceles Ness and disproportion of the things give them Beauty in the eyes of their the technical justification is that bigger tires give better traction for the sport their Drivers relish to accelerating erosion by chewing up Mountain country lanes and Seaside my is that theres More behind those big tires than youths natural urge to dismantle the Earth in the most amusing fashion its my theory that those big tires Are part of something even bigger a galloping Case of bloat that infects almost everything american these we All know about the Pentagon budget the sports bloat gives us football into the summer dog almost eternal and baseball until thanksgiving because of political presidential campaigns now run at High pitch for two endless and television bloat gives us so much vicarious life to enjoy that we have Little time to tend to lives our which leads to the divorce then there is the ingestion while being forced into a ditch by a sports truck named i looked Way up toward the Drivers seat and saw that the 98pound girl at the wheel was drinking a super big that a nonalcoholic concoction being sold by an Eastern Chain of convenience which boasts that the buyer gets 44 ounces for 59 forty four ounces that almost a quart and a i recall when Pepsi cola gave you 12 full ounces that a it was a super big gulp now gives you almost four times As that not just a that just York times bringing Back Good old Mabell by Art Buchwald i Arfinkel called me i would like you to become a member of the sons of Mabell Telephone users whats your Story after All the hype about launching a new improved coca cola was willing to Salvage the original we Hope to persuade the Telephone company to bring Back the old Mabell after Telephone Consumers have taste the reason coca cola folded to the Public was that they  take the flak from their customers about their new improved if the Coke company cant take the we figure the Telephone company is vulnerable As do you want everyone to go Back to the old phone system were following the Coke marketing we dont want them to drop the new Way of providing phone All were asking is that everyone in the United states be Given a Choice Between the old a and what they have inflicted on All of us were not ones to Tell a user what to if you like the present Telephone system with its fancy High tech recorded voices and unintelligible computer coded itemized then we say stick with the if you prefer constant breakdowns and service technicians who deny jurisdiction Over your phone youre probably satisfied with the improved but if you Long for the Days when your Bills were a Friendly human voice gave you and the repairman was at your House before you Hung then you should have a right to opt for the old the sons of Mabell believe in free i Admire your but it seems to me that its easier to bring Back a soft drink than it is to resurrect an entire communications i dont agree with Garfinkel the coca cola company is the most powerful institution in the if they can admit Treyve made a surely a piddling Telephone system can do the same its no big Deal for the people who run our Telephone companies to go on television and weve been listening to what youre maybe the breakup of Mabell want such a Good idea after there is one thing wrong with your i told coca cola was Able to bring Back the old Coke because it still exists As a the Telephone system has been broken up by the and even if the phone execs wanted to replicate the old system the Justice department  let them do Washington Doest give a Hoot about the the sons of Mabell intend to change All were asking each member of our organization to Send every congressman and senator 10 six packs of empty coca cola our message to Washington is the Telephone is almost As important As a soft and if Coke drinkers now have a Choice Between the old and the the Telephone consumer has a right to the same Angeles times by Eugene Sheffer across 1 Block up 4 hit Broadway musical 8 foretell 12 world labor 13 guinness 14 realm 15 choke 17 Copper 18 Force 19 pea member 21 alte 22 intertwine 26 Tower locale 29 longing 30 actress Ullmann 31 steel making need 32 sea dog 33 Rotunda Topper 34 author Anais 35 Bible boat 36 Generator output 37 hang loosely 39 utter 40 you got it 41 give a Sermon 45 on 48 concern 50 dupes 51 come to Earth 52 Norma 53 Deuce Topper 54 fencing need Juliet Down film Cartridge 2 singing voice 3 extra 4 undo 5 author Horatio 6 7 kingly prop 8 rasher meat 9 mine output 10 study 11 Wolf Down solution time 23 726 to yesterdays Puzzle 16 actress eve 20 sought office 23 Aura 24 bar Garnish 25 at any time 26 tie up 27 met song 28 european capital 29 hairy beast 32 Bridge support 33 senior member 35 pub order 36 March 38 caravan member 39 Backbone 42 Taj mahal site 43 Highlands group 44 take note 45 be a doer 46 craggy Hill 47 single ton 49 Knock 12 15 is 26 3t 45 27 46 28 47 16 21 38 40 13 35 32 48 51 54 29 49 19 22 39 41 20 36 33 23 30 42 55 10 24 43 11 25 44 726 Hubert Huberts Home late from you this xxv singularity ceremony x most pos  th6harp or wa5 5impl y admit Ting to myself that 1 Mayneil never havea person in my r t up the dry cleaning cum King world have you in Luzv dry cleaning for dear amp a for looks like Exzor wow not this k Hafk after i Marcia