European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 23, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                By Daniel Goleman new York times p psychologists Are drawing n picture of the emotional support uttered by i Rind Andin mily that Ali this its value Bill Points up the resentment and harm that Well meaning gestures can Loster the irony is that sometimes we Are least Able to help the people we cafe about  said James Coyne a psychologist a the University of Michigan this Complex View of emotional support a subject that was moved to the Tore in behavioural research Only in recent years was reported recently at the meeting of the american psychological association. For example in a study of people whose spouses or children had died in Frallic accidents the bereaved people reported being made upset or angry by Many of the things said to them by Well intentioned friends and the family members. Other research has examined emotional support in a variety of situations including the stress brought on by serious illness the death of someone close. The loss of a Job or the depredations of aging. The importance of understanding the negative aspects of Well meaning support from friends and family members is underlined by research showing that when help goes awry it can be a serious blow to morale on a scale indicating psychological Well being the damaging Impact of misguided support is potentially much greater than the Good thai might come irom an elective Ellort. According to research reported at the meeting by Karen Roo ii. A psychologist at the University of California at Irvine. Still on balance the answer to the old question what Are friends for seems to be plenty. For one Good friends Are Good for your health according to Irwin Sarason a psychologist at the University of Washington who reported on the new research at the meeting. In recent years an increasing number of studies have shown the ways in which moral and emotional support is critical for Well being. Researchers in san Diego for example recently reported that those diabetics who were More satisfied with their friendships were better Able to control the disease than were a comparable group of diabetics who reported being dissatisfied with their friendships. A Survey of More than 10,000 people conducted by the school of Public health at the University of California at Berkeley revealed that those people who lived alone had a higher incidence of cancer and the wednesday october 23, 1985 infectious diseases of All types. And a study in South America showed that the simple presence at a delivery of a neighbourhood Friend significantly lessened the medical complications during childbirth. The Power of friendships o Buffer people s health against the Impact of stress is proving stronger than had been believed Sarason . In research he reported at the meeting. Sarason studied the health of students at the Navy s submarine school in Grunn. Con while they underwent an intense course of training and examinations. Those students who reported stronger Triendl hip for example those who said they had a Friend they could Trust with information that might get them in trouble or with whom they Felt they could be themselves suffered less physical illness than did students under the same stress who reported hewing few such friendships. Likewise a study of 190 medical students undergoing rigorous examinations found that  who said they were lonely had lower love of immune functions than did those with Strong friendships. According to a report at the meeting by Janice Kiecolt Glaser. A psychologist at the Ohio state University College of Medicine in Columbus. Other research however shows that there Are times when Well meaning friends Are no help at All. While family members and friends can often Buffer a person from stress their attempts at helping can sometimes hurl according to Camilie b. Wurtman one of a group of psychologists at the University of Michigan who reported on their search at the psychology meeting. While friends and family Are buffers against stress they Are fallible  said Coyne another member of the Michigan group. People who Are Overly invested in a person s Well being he said Are susceptible to emotional Pitfalls that can make their attempt to help itself a source of stress. He said this happens most frequently when a person in a close relationship faces an intensely distressing life change where the outcome is Uncertain and the Effort to adjust is prolonged such As after a heart attack. But it also frequently occurs in relationships such As Between a concerned Parent and a troubled child or Between close friends one of whom is in distress. In studies of couples in which the husband had suffered a heart attack. Coyne reported the wives Over protectiveness was a common problem. Often the wives themselves Felt guilty at somehow driving brought on the her attack and would keep their grievances or anger to themselves lest they bring on another attack. The result was an Overly protective solicitous Ness that took on a punitive Quality such As insisting that the husband restrict his activities which the researchers thought was an indirect expression of the wife s anger. The husbands resented their wives excessive caution. Some said thai despite the encouragement they got from physical therapists and others to exercise More the wives saw them As severely debilitated and incapable of withstanding physical or emotional strains. Husbands and wives Are often unaware of the the stars and stripes Page 17 destructive nature of their attempts to help according to research described by Coyne at the meeting. For example in one study of obese women trying to lose weight More than 90 percent of the Nus band said Hoy fully supported their wives in the attempt however when researchers Mon Tomm actual mealtime conversations they discovered that the husbands made frequent Olferts of Foo i to then wives and criticized the wives efforts at dieting times More often than they praised them. The implicit Assumption that a family Sharts the responsibility for on member s recovery irom a serious illness that we re All going to lick this together Coyne said can backfire on the one hand that is helpful when there is something Concrete a family can do. As is the Case when a helpless patient is convalescing at Home on the other hand when there is no Clear Way the family can help or their expectation of recovery Are unrealistic they create a psychological Burden Lor the patient. The patient can feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility if he fools that the rest of the family s Well being depends on his improvement Coyne said. Moreover being helped can carry with if to message that the person is unable to solve his own problems. In a study of cancer patients Many said they resented being babied by friends and family members who performed Ordinary tasks Lor them a seriously depressed person Coyne said can also feel under an obligatory to Stop feeling sad in order to relieve the Strain on his family. His failure to do so. Though can make him feel All the worse. The very Effort to encourage May end up As a discouragement. Coyne said. For example in one study family members and friends of stroke victims would often exhort the patient with a you can do it approach. When the tasks the patients Are urged to do Are simply beyond their capacities though the effect is to focus on the patient s failings which is discouraging. Helpers have to realize that to stay effective they have to take care of themselves too Coyne said that often Means airing grievances and resentments to Clear the air so they Don t fester. Or it can mean getting some support themselves " in a study of 94 people whose child or spouse had been killed in an Auto Accident the Michigan researchers found that Many of the remarks intended to bring the bereaved peace of mind actually disturbed them. Wortman s study found that Many of the most common sorts of condolences were disturbing to the bereaved hollow empathy such As being told i know How you must feel often backfires because such ritualized remarks have the effect of dismissing the victim s True feelings As insignificant the researchers found. Encouraging recovery or forced cheerfulness with remarks such As this will  or Don t be  was often perceived As judgmental telling the bereaved in effect that he should not feel As bad As he does Side of emotional support Erma Bombeck t he inside of a House of worship must Bethe most confusing place Ever to a  s water that you can t play in books without pictures and mysterious doors that no one Ever opens. You re never allowed to see what s behind you. And the Only thing you have to play with is your Tongue and that s punishable by severe pinching. One of the problems is we never  Tell kids what services Are All about. All they re told is to to quiet and not talk Lor an hour. They have no idea what we re doing. When my son was 5 years old i dragged him to confession one saturday. Every time i inched toward the closed closet door my son would Start to say something and i would clap my hand Over his Mouth. Finally the line started with me. I was next up when he said. I Don t have to go to the bathroom. I went Belore i led Home and boiled toward the parking lot. There s the plight of the 4-year-old who was in Church on sunday when the wine and wafers were passed out. His Mother leaned Over and told him that he was not old enough to comprehend the transubstantiation and that he was not allowed to partake in the communion. Later the collection plate came by and stopped dead in front of him. His Mother again leaned Over and tried to coax the Nickel out of his clenched list. He held firm and shouted if i can t eat. I won t  Faith is just a word to children. They Don t know what it Means How to get it. How to keep it or what to do with it. They just pick up bils and pieces of conversation and try to sound like an adult. A sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone knew where god is. One Little girl said he s in the bathroom in the Back of the  when the teacher pressed her for her rationale she said. My Mother is always knocking on the door saying. God. Are you still in there " adults become different people in Church. A few years ago. Our son served his first mass As an altar boy. He knew he was supposed to ring the Bells at a certain time in the mass but he was t sure when so he rang them every time he passed them. After the service the priest leaned Over and said to me it was like serving mass with  ordinarily i would have roared and sent the Story of the Reader s digest. I sat there like a mask of tragedy. Church to a child is Low noise level punishment like holding your body in a Vise and pretending to arrange your hair when they re really pulling it. Church is lips that sing love the Little children at the same time eyes Are saying you will never get another oreo cookie Tor As Long As you  Church is where everyone talks about Joy and love and happiness but when someone ring Bells at the wrong time we re afraid to laugh. Why to lot Angell time san Vicale