European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - January 17, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 18 the stars and stripes Friday january 17, 1986 columns today s crossword battling Back from near extinction by Russell Baker since liberals were put on the endangered species list last summer their population has levelled off at about 40. The last official count made in november showed 20 female liberals and 17 males. The count changed just before thanksgiving when one female Liberal and two males no longer Able to Bear the humiliation of their position formally announced that they had become no conservatives. Since All three have passed the Normal age of reproduction for liberals their loss did not exactly shatter Hopes for saving the american Liberal from extinction but it was discouraging. One of the males belonged to the Breed classified As limousine liberals. The other belonged to the White Winc and brie Liberal grouping and the female was classified As one of the fuzzy headed Liberal group. Her conversion to no conservatism left Only three fuzzy headed liberals and two of those were males who submitted to vasectomies several years ago during Public demonstrations to protest overpopulation. The remaining fuzzy headed Liberal was a female of childbearing age but the biological Rigours of the situation made it apparent that As a species the beloved old fuzzy headed Liberal would not be around much longer to brighten conservative oratory. The once numerous knee Jerk liberals Are in much the same Pickle with Only one left and this one a male. Congress adopted a Resolution urging that he marry the female fuzzy headed Liberal so they could produce a family of hybrid fuzzy headed knee Jerk liberals to keep conservatives feeling Superior for years to come. Fortunately the macabre Cross Breeding of fuzzy headed with knee Jerk liberals became unnecessary during december when scientists sighted nine hitherto unknown liberals in such unlikely settings As Indiana Texas and Wyoming. This meant there were at least 43 liberals still surviving. The president is criticized for spending Federal Money to prevent extinction of the american Liberal. The Cost of the program s79.88 per year would be More wisely spent conservatives argue if $2 Billon were added to it and the Pentagon launched a si.000,000 079.88 pro Gram to develop a new weapon even though it probably would t work. The president however is not interested merely in preserving the handful of old museum piece humans who refuse to be ashamed because they guessed wrong in 1980 and 1984. He has a More Subtle goal. That goal to save himself from becoming a Liberal. Nonsense you say. A. But think a moment How with the decline of the Liberal population since 1980, conservatives have had to begin attacking people with no politics at a i As Well As their fellow conservatives because the Lack of liberals leaves them Short of valuable enemies to keep their psychic motors racing. Consider the strange Case of lbs. In recent years conservatives have declared lbs a hotbed of liberalism. You were probably astounded when you first heard that liberalism was rampant at lbs. Like me you had prob ably always thought of lbs As a bloodless conglomerate with a Cash Register for a brain. The idea that it did not have a Cash Register mentality but a political philosophy that flooded the american parlor with a generation of junk ranging from the Beverly Hillbillies to Dallas is simply preposterous. Yet despite All common sense the idea of lbs s liberalism spread so heatedly that such mandarins of conservatism As sen. Jesse Helms and the Rev. Jerry Falwell subscribed to the argument that god fearing folks would have to buy it to save the Republic. Already conservatives so conservative they would have scared Robert a. Taft arc being judged unfit to serve the cause. If moderates like George Bush and neuters like lbs arc already accused of liberalism president Reagan s time May come before 1988. Pm of hooked Theip. A Law in town