European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 29, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                I it j non Dairy Creamer tops list As toxic substance by John Windrow stiff columnist while perusing our newspaper not Long ago i came across a up Story that tried to get me to worry about the hazards of non Dairy Creamer there Are two Chance of that happening slim and fal. The Buck i lopping around like a ruptured Pigeon american everywhere Are living in bomb shelters because they re terrorized by khad Afy the glorious worker s Paradise has been spewing out radiation like a runaway fire Hose and somebody wants to me worry about non Dairy Creamer non Dairy Creamer thai s Rich the article quoted a doctor no doubt a very decent Learned Man who said Many non Dairy creamers contain animal protein and Coconut Oil. Animal protein who knows what that really is probably the stuff that Tarzan eats before he whips up on a Herd of alligators and then throws Jane Over his shoulder and swings off for a big saturday night in the Congo. Maybe i la try it Coconut Oil sounds like a very enticing pleasant item. The words have an air of the romantic Aboul them Palm Trees Leggy girls in grass skirts with Flowers in their hair the Moon drenched surf gently washing the gleaming Beach How could something like that be anything but bad for met everything Good is bad for me. Animal protein and Coconut Oil cause the body to produce cholesterol the article said and we All know about cholesterol Public enemy no. 1. We write read slew and Frel so much Aboul cholesterol a million years from now when archaeologists Are busily digging up our fossilized remains they la probably decide cholesterol was our term for nuclear bombs heavy Metal music the Black death aids and daytime to All rolled into one. Arid Why by tie Way docs non Dairy Creamer exist because somebody decided that Cream the real stuff he big banana the genuine out of the cow article  for me. I m not he smartest kid on the Block but i slept through a few science lectures in my younger Days. I know How these theories Are deduced a Bunch of scientists Corner some innocent rat and make him drink a pint of Cream every hour for three weeks guess what the scientists soon have a 75-Pound dead rat on their hands. Then you read some wire Story that says a recently conducted scientific study has found a link Between Cream and death in rats great. Kill All the rats Bui leave me and my morning cup of Coffee alone. Coffee it takes the courage of a lion to drink Coffee. I love Coffee. I d shoot it up if typos did t leave track Marks. Lately i be Cut Down to about is cups a Day. I work a 5 . Shift. If the Coffee in t on rioting Breaks out in the stripes newsroom. Of but Coffee has caffeine they say. Caffeine i know caffeine. It s he Batley that jump starts my brain every morning. You want caffeine or you want i should stumble into the office with shampoo in my hair lather on my face wrapped in a yellow and Blue polka Dot Lowel mumbling raquet Welch Raquel Welch i dreamed Arab terrorists locked me in to trunk of a Flat with Raquel  caffeine makes my heart beat faster they say these do goobers who want to save me fro myself. Looking Al Raquel Welch makes my hear beat faster. I can t give that up either i have a pal who has a heartbeat i Cory of lift. He says god has Given each of us a finite number of heartbeats and it s very foolish to waste them logging or doing push . He s so right. Save them fori hat morning Coffee and a longing look Al Raquel. Of to they say so you drink Coffee with Cream. Vou probably also use refined White sugar which is deadlier than ral Poison. True. That s because Coffee tastes bad. If they could make Coffee thai Lasicki Good i d drink i without sugar. Like i say 1 drink Coffee for effect. The same reason i drink Bourbon i write headlines so much better Wilh my eyes open i would use Saccharine but a Bunch of scientists Force fed a few rats Aboul 400 pounds of inc stuff a few years ago and guess what happened speaking of headlines i saw one recently thai said More people have heart attacks Early in he morning than at any other Lime. This reinforces my i Cory that gelling up in the morning is very bad for people. I work Wilh a Man who had a quadruple bypass a few years Back. He follows a very strict diet. We were Silling around recently talking Aboul the chernobyl nuclear disaster and the radiation Cloud that was heading our Way. How dangerous is in he asked me Well it does l look deadly i said. Of he said with a shrug. "1 was getting ready to run out and eat one hell of a Loi of ice  there s a Guy who has his worries in order. I egg etiquette creates nest of problems by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i read that Dylan Thomas asked hit Mother to remove the tops of hit soil boiled eggs even when he was an adult. This made me realize somewhat to my Shock thai i do not in fact know How to at Toft boiled egg correctly that if when they Are perched in an egg cup i Daren t risk appalling you with the truth about How i do a l them using a Sharp rap of my knife to crack the Shell in half pricing the halve apart letting the gooey Yolk drip into a bowl scooping out the White Wilh the knife Blade and then Muihung everything together with Lorn up pieces of lavishly buttered Toast and of coarse tall and Pepper. Thil method which usually results in there being a Dollop of Yolk on my left Middle linger for a moment and sometimes in a precious Golden Droplet on the plate beneath la bowl produces the Best tasting soil boiled egg but that is alas not the Point of my inquiry. The spectacle 1i believe too revolting for Public viewing and there have been occasions to my Lile on which i have wanted o cat a soft boiled egg in Public. Doe one use the egg spoon to crack off the. Top of the egg or knife what Doe one do Wilh the egg White that clings to the Beanie one has lifted off the egg Shell does one have to Salt and Pepper periodically As one descends toward the Bottom of the shelf or is in permissible to Smush and swirl Yolk and while together with the spices before beginning one s repast ". -. My Mother lives 1,200 Miles from me and so unlike the Poel i am not Able to ask her to remove the tops of my eggs. Gentle Reader appalled it is inconceivable to miss manners that civilized gentlemen would behave in the fashion you describe toward a soft and defenceless egg. She trembles for your family and your tie. That you employ a Correct weapon does not excuse you. It May be Correct to kill a Partridge Wilh a gun but not by training in with the butt. Aim the knife above the Yolk silly. No wonder your Mother lives 1,200 Miles away. She must be exhausted. One May also use an egg spoon miss manners does you the Courtesy of assuming that you Are not trying to eat an egg with a Teaspoon rapping smartly on the top until it shatters into pieces that May be picked off delicately with he fingers. There Are also special egg guillotines for the purpose decorated with Chicken motifs which do not Bear philosophical examination but work very Well. In any Case the Small amount of White left in the top is eaten with the egg spoon. We do not Smush and swirl unless we Are eating fudge whirl ice Cream alone at Home with the shades Down. Yes you must a Refl yourself to season your egg As you go. If not for choruses of please pass the Salt there would be no conversation at All at the civilized breakfast table dear miss manners i received the disturbing new from a. Friend that one of our Mutual and close friends has been Given six months to live because of an inoperable brain tumor. I would like to write my Friend a letter to Tell her How much i appreciate her and to thank her for All her kind deeds. Is this a proper Ihung to do considering the circumstances How would t go Aboul Starling he letter and keeping in tactful gentle Reader miss manners appreciates your sentiments and believes that telling a Friend How much she Means to you is always proper. But she warns you that the first thing you should appreciate about your Friend is that she is still alive. Any obituary like tone in your letter summing up the memories As if a verling is Over is bound to depress her. Write to her As someone who is ill going on Loel her How much you care for her As if that were something Long overdue As indeed it probably is. It is not for you to conclude much less to inform her that she is dying. Have a questions need etiquette advice please write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211, . Forces May 29,1986 stripes Magazine