European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 15, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse The stars and stripes Friday August 5,1986 columns. The suing business is Oil relative editor s note Art flu Nwa a has taken a few weeks off. He left behind several column he found in his trunk Byak Buchwald the attorney general warned in a speech in san Francisco Hal an explosion of lawsuits hat plunged Federal courts Inlo a crisis thai is already hurting the Quality of Justice people what he did l say was hat lawsuits Are also Over whelming stale county and cily courtrooms. The reason is simple there was a time when a town had one or two lawyers and you Only went to see them when you were going to buy property or draw up a will. But now practically everyone in the country has a relative who is a lawyer ocl me give you an example mrs. Givern has just arrived Al her daughter s thanksgiving dinner. She is limping. Why Are you limping mom?""1 slipped on the ice in front of Mcooley s hard . Givern s daughter a lawyer takes out her yellow Legal pad. Mcgouley s hardware store. Why that s negligence of the highest order Well have tog Clyo to a doctor right away so he can testify you suffered from extreme pain and loss of your night j the left leg mrs. Given says. And i feel Fine. I Don t want to go to a doctor i just want to have my thanksgiving but you be got to go to the doctor. His testimony will be very important in the "1 Don t want to sue or. we re nol going to sue or. Mcooley. We re going to sue his insurance but won t we gel or. Mcooley into trouble thai s Mcooley s problem. Listen Charley Efrom is my Woolcy j insurance company s lawyer. I la Call him the daughter dials the number. Charley i think i be go Masood one Tor us. My Mother Jusi slipped on the Ite in front of Mcooley s hardware store. We won t so Lyle for less than 125,000. That s what i thought you would say. Well we re joing to Demanda jury trial. It could tie the both of us up for months. I knew you would t mind being bothered on thanksgiving Day to hear the Good is Charley maid Al me asks mrs. Givern. Mad he s in Rilke. It made his finally everyone sits Down to dinner mrs. Give in s son carves the Turkey with an electric knife. The Blade flies off and hit mrs Givern s Niece Harriet in the head culling her ear slightly. Everyone rushes to Harrick and mrs. Givern daughter yells "1 want the name of that electric knife company. They la Rue the Day they let that Turkey Carver out of the if the attorney general really wants to ease up on the courts calendars he s going to have to eel con Gress to pass a Law making it a felony for an attorney to solicit business from any member of his or her own family c pm ant pm Skrut Goldy Gordy and the 3 bears by Russell Baker some people in Tennessee want Goldilocks out of the classroom. They say she undermines standards of Christian morality hers is the Story of a Young girl entering a strange House while the tenant who happen to be bears arc out for a stroll. She takes advantage of their absence to lest their furniture and eat some of their porridge. Fatigued by these Small exertions she fall asleep in one of their Beds where she is found when the bears return. She jumps up and runs away. The tennesseans object that since Goldilocks in t punished for invading private property children May conclude that poking around in other people s houses is morally of. Before plunging into the Sticky Issue of morality let s look at the artistic problems to Goldilocks. Arc we really to believe that Goldilocks left Home not knowing there was a House in the Vicinity occupied by bean nonsense. When bears move Inlo a neighbourhood everybody for mile around knows it. Goldilocks has surely heard groans of despair from the grown ups. If too innocent to know about bears her playmates would have been Happy to Tell her. And these Are not Ordinary bears lumbering off to fish with their Pas or steal the bees Honey. These Are porridge eating bears. These Are bears thai have custom build Chain and Beds. In Short these Are bears that Bear watching. The author ignores their extraordinary behaviour. He wants us All Christian and infidel alike to believe Goldilocks entered that House utterly ignorant of a situation so making that everyone else in the country could talk of nothing else. Consider those bean. Porridge eaten. Custom built furniture. Ostensibly a family composed of father Mother and child Bear. But Are they in a neighbourhood Lite Goldilocks where people Don t normally see be to that eat porridge and boy custom built furniture it would be easy for three very cunning very Tough male bears to fool everybody. Suppose one Bear wore father clothes another went around in drag and the runt hear wore Short pants. But you ask Why would three cunning Tough male hears want to do something that weird thai i submit is the same question Hal was asked by a mysterious Mai for whom Goldilocks was secretly working i do not know who her Boss was. Suppose however that it was g. Gordon Liddy. Liddy doubtless feared the Security of the free world was endangered by whatever those housekeeping bears were up to. He needed somebody to gel in there while Ibe bean were out and have a look tee. Liddy did t dare. He knew thai if caught he might be sealed in a diplomatic Pouch and shipped to Sib Caria where he would be powerless to foil what Ever the plot might be. Who was the one person sure not to arouse the bears suspicions if caught poking through their House a Sweet innocent Golden haired tyke. Of course Liddy did t dare Tell her Hii suspicions. He did t know her Well enough. She might be a weakling who broke Down under torture. But there was no need to Tell her. It was enough to say Honey did you know the three bean Alt take a Long walk just before breakfast every Day and leave the House wide open adding while you re in there keep an Eye peeled for anything funny. Of yes there s an exciting Story Here but it is buried by the author s clumsiness. Goldilocks Sud Den slumber obviously resulted from a sleeping potion the bears put in it porridge. Her escape Possi ble Only because the bears could t believe such � lovable Little dear capable of working for Liddy Cre ates a Happy ending not Ait immoral lesson on invading privacy and getting away with it. Morality demands that Goldilocks escape uneaten by the bears. However unwittingly she has risked her life in the struggle against Hanky parity. Possibly even Bear Panky. 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