European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 2, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse Opium is i know just the Guy America needs for 1988 by John Windrow Magazine editor the news has been rather bizarre of late. On monday Tome to preacher out West who claims to double Dale with he deity says the Devil entered hit boudoir and grabbed him by the Throat but fled when his wife came running in to see what was amiss on tuesday someone named Richard Gephardt announces that he wants to be the next president of the United slates. People who Are supposed to know act like the rest of us Are supposed to know who Richard Gephardt is. On wednesday a to preacher Back East tells the world that he s been blackmailed by a Church Secretary because of a one night stand a Tew years Back. He also says his wife is being treated for drug abuse. On thursday someone named Michael Dukakis says he s responding to an enormous outpouring of Public support and will run for the White House people wonder who Michael Dukakis is. When Friday Rolls around the to preacher out West says cod will kill him if he does t raise $8 million. Great scads of people Start shelling out Cash. Other people search the Bible for any references to the almighty appearing to prophets and demanding Protection Money. Friday night someone named Bruce Babbit or Date bumpers or Pat Robertson appears on the to news and if very Coy about whether he will or will not run for president. Over the weekend a to preacher Down South says he s suing another preacher for millions for trying to Lake Over his to Empire. And the Church Secretary says she Only slept with her to preacher because someone slipped a Mickey in her wine. Several other people no one has Ever heard of Alert the Media to their upcoming presidential campaigns. Another candidate is George Bush whose Job for the last six years has been to tie a heartbeat away from the Oval office and to follow Ron and Nancy around saying things like me tool took the words right outta my Mouth i could t agree with you Morel and it s a great pleasure to see Brownie troop 257 Here in the White House Jesse Jackson May run. I heard him speak once. He called himself a country it appears id me that religion and politics Are in a muddle right now. Sort of a prime Lime Mare s nest. Think about it fora minute. What do we really want a president to Doi judging from recent history i d say we want a Guy who can look Good walking to and from helicopters and air planes. Also he has to be Able to pose with awhile Turkey every thanksgiving in the Rose Garden. And talk Nice about the National Christmas tree every Yule de. Or if the Chicago bears win he super bowl he Calls them up and says Way. Id go Guys everybody s really ditto for the champions of the world series Mcaa basketball tournament the Lille league world series if an american team Ever wins again astronauts people who be had Organ transplants and dogs who save kids from burning buildings. Also there Sklens must talk bad about the russians and Good about us. He gels to Dine out with lots of Hollywood luminaries. In other words the president has to make Little old ladles who turn on the to and watch him feel Good about themselves. Every sin months or so he should hold a to press conference where the jackals of the press can pester him Ullh questions about defense the National def Itil the farm crisis the space program school lunches or the Mideast. From what i be seen. It really does t matter too much what he says in response As Long As a he appears to be in control. Ii would also be a Good idea to Promise nol to sell weapons to any nation that Calls us the great what do we want our favorite to preachers to do we want hem to be Down on he Devil. Except for certain Lunatic pockets of Southern California it s hard to imagine a place where anybody could Rake in millions by preaching for the Devil. But lately some of our to preachers have been accusing each other of Devil ment and everybody s confused. And no one can figure out who these people running for president Are to save the nation i am going to run for president on the anti Devil ticket Here s my plan i helicopter into a football stadium somewhere in the nation s heartland. There s lots of pretty girls in skimpy costumes cheering the helicopter As it lands. Also plenty of handsome men in uniforms with Gold braid. Lots of people with really Good Teeth who look attractive enough to be to newscasters. I stride up to o microphone yell out did satan Ever help you pay your House note the crowd will yell Nooroo in one great voice. Then i la get Back in my helicopter waving and smiling All the while and Fly off to some other great stadium on either coast. My second speech will be have you Ever heard Mikhail Gorbachev talk ugly about the Devil noon tool comes the roaring response from 50,00p tongues. If elected i Promise to do All the proper ceremonial presidential things and to appear periodically on to to rail bitterly against the Devil wherever he May appear probably in Congress Russia or the press corps i can also raise hell about cigarettes if the populace demands it to Doali this i need votes. My supporters Are building me a vote Tower at this very moment. I m going to go up into the vote Tower and Wall for Vales. I m not coming Down until 1 win. I really want to be president. I m afraid if you people Don t Send me enough Voles i might just curl up and die. Miss manners helps gentle Reader stalk or. Flight by miss manners United future Syndicate dear miss manners my dilemma b Llull have found or. Right but he does t know it i met him at a seminar Over a year ago and Haven t gotten him out of my mind Sincel at a time of the seminar i had an Opportunity to get to know him at a dinner we were both invited to but i foolishly turned Down the offer became of other plans. At the end of the we Long seminar he told me tie a lorry we Ludo t been Able to Qwond More Lime getting to know each Oiler because he found me very attractive and asked of we could keep in touch. Since then neither of us kept in touch but not a Day Goei by that i Don t think about Hlat i know it is ridiculous to continue to think about him without doing something about it. However being the old fashioned girl i am i have always waited for the nun to Lake the initiative. This is Why i have been waiting and hoping i would hear from him i am usually quite shy about these things which is Why i Haven t contacted him yet. This has gone on Long enough. But now what do i Dot he lives five hours away by car. Since we work Tor the same employer i could probably get enrolled in seminar at hit location. Or should t get to his City for some other real on let him know that i will be in town and ask if he would like to get together for a drink or is this too passe and would it be construed As coming on too Strong then i could ruin my Chance forever but i of Uppole it ii better than spending the it of my life wondering what could have happened had i taken the Chancel i would give almost anything to come up with a foolproof Way to approach him that would rekindle his interest if i had just one More dunce i think things might work out Fine. Please Don t think i am crazy i am 28 year old and a College educated professional with a responsible marketing position. I have never Hod trouble getting dates with men and men usually find me attractive. I Don t mean to brag but i want you to know that i m not an 18-year-old with a. Schoolgirl crush to your opinion what is the proper Way to handle this situation so that i retain my dignity but Don t sit around forever wailing for something to happen i realize you probably still believe that women should be courted by men so do but if i approached him 1 would t actually be asking him out for a Date it would be less formal than that. Gentle Reader something about All those exclamation Points touches miss manners and she Hopes the next question from you will concern wedding etiquette. But she has to Tell you that nothing in Romance is foolproof. Also a year is a Long Lime and one tends to forget that other people s lives do move on. Now let s gel Down to tactics. Of course you should make some sort of business excuse to gel in touch with him. Just be sure that your excuse is Good enough and your Lone noncommittal enough so that you can appear to be delighted in Case he tells you he has jus Gollen engaged. If he is still interested it will be easy enough to warm up your comradery friendliness but you need to be Able to Retreat gracefully if he is not by the Way. Miss manners is constantly amazed thai so Many people seem to believe that Nice old fashioned girls just sat around waiting for something to happen. Even at the time no one was expected to believe that except love befuddled gentlemen. Those Young ladles did t have the advantage you do of being Able to put Forth business pretexts. But miss manners can assure you they did the Besl they could. Dear miss manners while Riding the subway to work i sat beside a Young woman who had her face Down to her Knees. 1 asked her if she was of she told me to mind my own business and moved to another teat. My Girlfriend told me she Felt the girl was right and that since no one else nude the Effort to see what the problem was i made a fool out of myself. Did i gentle Reader miss manners Hopes that neither this Young woman nor your Girlfriend Ever has a sudden attack of illness in a Public place. Have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the Stan and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can Only answer questions in her column. Tripti Migi lint lpri3, 1987
