European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 16, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse                                By Jane e. Brody new York times death is a Lac Ollile. As rational adults Weall know this As anxious parents however we also want to deny it and o pro Ieca our children from the painful reality especially when someone close is dying or Dies. Bui As we have Learned rom the mishandling of subjects like sexuality with children ignorance and avoidance of a mysterious frightening or emotions Fly charged Issue can Breed needless fears and and Ieper. Inappropriate behaviour and persistent psychological Siauma in recent years adult americans have witnessed the fall of the Doanh taboo As myriad books and articles have explored the stages of grief and championed the importance of mourning and dealing openly with the cell cols of losing a loved one. Unfortunately this now appreciation has nol been Hilly extended to children Many of whom Are still unduly shielded from the realities of an impending or actual death of someone they love. In decades past death was Lar liar to children since most people died at Home. Today most deaths occur in hospitals or nursing Homes places rarely visited by children and relatives May to buried before anyone even tells Young children Hal they Are dead. Thus it is even More important today to help children develop a realistic understanding of death and its Many . As Well As to help them express their grief their questions and their anxieties. Long Belfe children Are Likely to experience the death of a person they can learn about the nature of death in less in Aumalis ways through the death of a Pel 01 seeing a dead animal on the Road. In they need to know How to teach children about death Erma Bombeck helping children to understand death Prentice Hail. 1b79audrey k. Gordon and Dennis Klass Ell this Story in a Nursery school discussion about a classroom Pel Duck thai died the teacher had the children Recti he fun they had had with the Duck. A few weeks later one of the youngsters comforted her Rno Lher whose father had just died by Lelling her she remembered the Good times she had had with grandpa. It is also important fora Oxilus to realize the Irmi Falcons of children s understanding to appreciate their varied reactions to death and to recognize symptoms that Stem from suppressed Gimel or confusion about the causes or consequences of death. My sons Ware not Quile 4 years old when our pet Lizard Iggy died. My husband who never much liked Iggy Well openly mainly in memory of the Many pets he had loved and lost As a child. The boys however Malter of Farlly fashioned a shoe Box coffin and buried Iggy in he Bach Yard. A month Laler we found a remnant of Iggy s food a live mealworm on the window ledge. One son s immediate thought was let s save it Lor when Iggy in t dead  the remark illustrates How impermanent death seems to Young children. Until they Are about s years old children do not see death As final and irreversible according to Maria Nagy a hungarian psychologist who studied children s views of death in the 1940s. They envision it More in terms of a Long sleep or journey from which tha dead person will return. They often think the dead can still Aal. Talk and play but hat they do ii underground or in heaven. Thus they May take the news of a death quite casualty at first. From the age of 5 to about 10, children come to appreciate the finality of death but it is often personified or example As a Modem grim reaper like Darin Vader. Not until they Are 10, according to Nagy do children tend to hold an adult View of death As the irreversible and impersonal end to life activities and appreciate the act that someday they too will die. Don t try to shield your children from he acts of 1 death. What you Tail to explain can become fodder for unhealthy beliefs explain the  of Doanh Accident illness old age As Best you can within the limits of a child s under signing be sure to explain that the illness was very serious or the Accident unusual and that the child or path nos Are unlikely to die just because they got sick. I reassure children that they did not cause the person s death that it did not result because the child was noisy or disobedient w because the child May sometimes have said he wished the Poison dead. Explain the nature of death in a matter Shact fashion to Young children. Tell them Hal the dead person no longer Malsor talks or breathes that he has been buried in a special place and cannot return and thai he Levels no pain. Include children in the mourning process and memorial services. Expert opinions vary on the agent which children should attend funerals some say 3, others 5 and still others 7. But All agree Hal the Choice should be the child s. If the child decides to attend the funeral give him or her a detailed description of what is Likely to take place including the tact that some people Are Likely to cry. Provision should be made or someone to be with the child if he or she wants to leave before h is Over and the child should know it is All right to leave. By going to the funeral viewing the coffin and perhaps attending the burial children Are belter Able to accept the reality of death and express their  tall a child not to cry Over the loss of a loved one. In fact within reason it is Best that children sea your own tears of a fief. Rabbi Earl a. Trollman. Author of explaining death to children Beacon press 1966cautions against feeding children s fantasies about death if a child is told his grandmother got sick and had to go away to he Hospital the chief might became inordinately earful of All Hospital Zaloom if told a deceased relative Well on a King trip the child might wonder what the relative had done to deserve being deserted. If you say god loved your brother and took  the child might think he s got to be bad to prevent being taken himself. And if you say grandma has gone to sleep the child might develop serious sleep problems struggling each night to stay awake lest he go to Steep forever. A child who seems to be taking a serious loss very Well might in fact to denying the loss and might end up expressing grief in less healthy ways such As performing poorly in school. Symptoms to been guard for include various physical complaints stomachache sore or tight Throat loss of appetite fatigue anger toward the deceased anger toward others adopting the mannerisms or symptoms of the deceased idealizing the deceased or latching onto a relative or Friend As a replacement for the deceased. If a Parent has died children can become Panicky about who if take care of them. They should be reassured by the surviving Parent that he or she expects to be around As Long As needed the surviving Parent should also give the child the names of people the child knows who will also assume responsibility Lor his care. A dead Parent or sibling should never be used As a weapon to control he child s behaviour As in what would your lather have said about what you be done if a child does not seem to be adjusting Well after a death seek professional help without delay. Besides the books mentioned previously an excellent Booklet is caring about kids talking to children about death prepared by the National Institute of mental health single copies Are available free from Public inquiries National Institute or mental health 5600 Fishers Lane Rockville my. 20857. On pcs the other Day. I watched in fascination As a Black widow spider carefully wove her web of death. Patiently she awaited her victim a Fly who fought to gel Oul of the trap. And then the horror of what to had done hit him. I have seen that look of desperation on a human face on one occasion that was when returned rom vacation and a Friend asked me did you take any pictures alter she said it that helpless look came Over her Ace As she realized she had fallen into the ultimate trap the web from which there was no return. She should have realized Hal people who return from vacation with 700 slide have no compassion or mercy for the terminally stupid. She should have quit while she was asking if i had a Good flight or How was Page 16 the stars and stripes the weather but no she had to ask if i had taken any pictures it served her right. Trapping an audience to show your vacation slides is Tough these Days. People Are gelling smarter and smarter. It used to be they were curious about your travels and what you had seen. Not anymore. When our kids met us at the Airport we said we had a terrific ume. We got a picture of a Panda Bear who did the Fox Trot a Sunset Over Hong Kong life Magazine would kill for and a stot of your father eating an eel on a  there was a time when they d have said. Boy. Are you Lucky. Maybe Well see All of that one Day and Bingo we d drag them to a darkened room and they were ours. They have Learned to choose their words carefully. Got your claim checks for the Luggage wednesday september 16,19b7 slides have become the ultimate weapon. You could empty the super dome in 13 seconds with 700 slides. You could Clear every major freeway in los Angeles at Rush hour with 700 slides. You could scare straight every teen Ager in America just by threatening to set up the projector for the Smoky mountains vacation where everyone is dressed in the same clothes for 300 slides because you look All the pictures on the last Day. Locking people into a Small dark room and showing them Oul of focus pictures of the grand Canyon taken through the Windshield of a moving car with the wrong Speed film at Sunset while you explain what your setting was and How you look in tha lower left hand Corner you can see the rear end of a ground Squirrel running for cover just does t Cut it anymore. Cd lot angst to twi sex Kwh