European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 20, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse When parents drink too much by Jane e. Brody new York times lived with a daily dread about How bad inc drinking would be that Day. About How much shouting crying or lighting there might be and about when or it in was Ever going to end. I never knew what to expect next. 1 lived with constant ear and worry. I fell ashamed and confused but More than anything else i fell this is How Eric Ryerson described his childhood Wilh an alcoholic Mother in when your Patent drinks too much a Book Lor teen agers facts on file. 19b5. $12.95. His Story could be echoed by More than 28 million americans the one in eight people who Are either children now riving Wilh an alcoholic Parent or adults who grew up in a household ruled by drink. Ryerson s tale is terrifying because it so clearly illustrates the emotional and social havoc wreaked on he Ami ties of alcoholics. And it is illuminating because from the Hindsight or adulthood he outlines ways of coping and offers Steps to help children improve their own emotional health. He and others also suggest measures that might help to Spur the alcoholic Parent into treatment and keep he alcoholic s children from abusing alcohol too. From a child s perspective according to Ryerson alcoholism in a Parent is a disease characterized by the following broken promises to go somewhere with the family do something Wilh the children not drink a Day. Not gel drunk on some occasion. The children grow up thinking they Are not loved or important enough or their parents to keep their promises. Inconsistency and unpredictability Wilh rules and limits that com o change Wilh the occasion and parents who can be Loving one moment and abusive the next. Shame and humiliation As drink lakes Over and suddenly urns an otherwise Lovely Parent into a loathsome embarrassment. Ryerson described the humiliation of bringing friends Home Only to find his Mother in a Drunken rage or passed out on the floor tension and fear because the children never know what will happen next As in the terror of to Young children abandoned on a four Lane Highway when their Drunken father realized he could no longer drive. As described by Ryerson and others who have written on the subject the children of alcoholics typically feel unsafe at Home the environment in which they should feel most protected. Paralysing guilt and an unwarranted sense at responsibility for the problem. Many children think they cause their parents alcoholic binges especially when parents say things like How can you expect me not to drink when you re such a Rotten part of the alcoholic s disease. Ryerson explained is to find someone to blame for it and the children grow up thinking hat in they were better students More obedient neater More reliable or nicer to their siblings the problem would disappear. Anger and Hurt about being neglected and mistreated and deemed less important than the bottle. Not Only is the alcoholic Parent Likely to be obsessed with drink but the sober Parent is also Likely to be focused on the Issue to the Eden that neither Parent is there Lor the children the children grow up with a profound sense of abandonment. Loneliness and isolation because the family tries desperately to deny or hide the problem Ana often will not even discuss it among themselves the children Wilh no one to talk to about the most important thing m their lives think they Are the Only ones with this problem. Lying As a Way of Lile to constantly cover for the failures of an alcoholic Parent or account Lor his aberrant behaviour. What kind of adult does the child of an alcoholic become in her Best Selling Book adult children of alcoholics health communications. 1963, $6.95janet go ringer Poilitz. President of the Institute for counselling and training in Verona . Said that As adults the children of alcoholics guess at what a Normal family life is and How people should behave. They have difficulty allowing a project through to its end lie when it would be just As easy to Tell the truth judge themselves without mercy and have difficulty having Lun. They also Lake themselves very seriously have difficulty Wilh intimate relationships overreact to changes they cannot control constantly seek approval and affirmation Leel different from other people and Are either super responsible or super irresponsible she said. They Are extremely Loyal even when loyally is undeserved and impulsively follow a course of action without seriously considering alternatives or consequences. Additional Raits were outlined in children of alcoholism a survivor s manual Crown. 1985. $1195by Geraldine Youcha and Judith s. Seixas an alcoholism Counselor in Hastings on Hudson. , they described alcoholics children As harshly self critical with Low self esteem Overly sensitive to criticism. Alcohol and the sexes forty Yean ago mos women h the unto state do not dark 8t Oij today my thai 60% of Ofca women. In prot Otanm Are woman. I Antony women drink no we fun women re Inthir tend 40i wrong a Wal occur a kit during the my 20. In out Omo hot and Tow thar Doo Hoh wow but thir 0lcoholc he sounds at the Betty Ford Cetar. The of woman Plant Tyrny 34wocr�pw,z9solcwr�tx 66% of Al amt or Inch a car arxj60\. Afro cod by no Orl Wro employed want n Tom Iury Nan i Toni Hainin tront to vat in from Tea Oettl i aft Mora Huriy u by Loftt or Hwy Oglw Imp of Tana in new Rod unable to separate love and Pill anti readers Lathi than actors such people Are also unable to express feelings feel guilty when standing up Lor themselves tend to live Lite As a victim arc Ter lied of abandonment to inc foam of clinging desperately even to unhealthy relationships and addicted to excitement. The authors wrote. In her introduction to family secrets life stones of adult children of alcoholics by Rachel v. Harper & Dow 1937, $1095claudia Black pointed Oul that while most children raised by an alcoholic Parent develop very effective coping mechanisms to survive the chaos at Home these survival la clips fit poorly once the child is grown and on his or her own. Adult children of alcoholics have Tew skills for developing healthy in Imale relationships and they lend to attract others also from dysfunctional said Black who treats the offspring of alcoholics. How can some of this damage be mitigated and perhaps avoided the following advice from Ryerson was based on his own experience and that of other children of alcoholics. Recognize that alcoholism is a disease and thai the victim has nol chosen this tall Ilion he urge j children to realize thai they did nol cause the problem and hey cannot control or cure it your Parent s drinking is altogether beyond your to slated. Relinquishing thoughts of responsibility can help the child avoid a frustrating sense of helplessness. Ryerson suggested Hal children remind themselves continuously i hat their Parent is not wilfully abusing alcohol just to Hurt them and recognize instead thai the disease overpowers their Parent s Good intentions and judgment. Escape the suffering induced by silence. Find a Friend or Counselor teacher or Clergyman to Lalk to about the problem. Better yet. Join Laleen a support group for the children of alcoholics or Ai anon a support group for adults with alcoholic relatives or friends. Gel on with your own life instead of devoting it to finding ways to control your Parent s drinking. Pay More alien lion to your own needs and pursue activities you enjoy. Mclach yourself from your Parent s disease and separate the person irom the disease hat has taken Over his Lite. Realizing thai alcoholism is a disease rather than a will Lul act can help you shed feelings of shame and embarrassment As Well As responsibility for in. Quit trying to ridicule or shame your Parent into slopping drinking blaming the Parent for his illness Only intensities the Parent s guilt and sell pity and can make the problem worse. Stop rescuing your alcoholic Parent and covering up for drink induced behaviour. Forcing your Parent to face the consequences of his dunking is the most cons Euclive Ihung you can Ryeison said Only when the problem Drinker comes face to face with the destruction the disease is causing will he denial be he said. By not cleaning up All he alcohol related debris in his life we re helping to push him in the Only healthy direction there 15 toward a realization that drinking is causing him big problems and thai he has to do something about it these measures can also help break the familial Cycle of alcoholism by allowing atle cled children to Rise above he problem and develop Normal Celadon ships Wilh other people and less destructive methods of coping with life s problems. Sunday september 20, 1987 the stars and stripes Page 17
