European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - October 15, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns first the supercollider then Mars by Dave Barry Kniehl Ridder newspapers i imagine you taxpayers out Here Are just As thrilled As i am about he Federal government s plan to build the superconducting supercollider. Wait a minute. I see some puzzled looks out there i had forgotten that Many of you have roughly he same level of scientific comprehension As Plankton. Lei me briefly explain in Layperson s terms what the superconducting supercollider is it Isa humongous scientific object. The Federal government is going to construct this object for $6 billion in some Lucky science conscious stale which will be selected on the basis of How Well the governor cleaned the shoes of key Federal officials with his Tongue. The supercollider will make i Iny particles that nobody con see go whizzing a nearly the Speed of Light around an underground 5 2-mile Oval Tunnel until they smash into Liny particles thai nobody can see coming he other Way the idea being that this collision Wilf produce hold onto your hats taxpayers even tinier particles thai nobody can see. The purpose of this of course is to discover important clues regarding the nature of the universe which is now widely believed to consist of very tiny particles though you can never be too sure needless to say the superconducting supercollider concept was conceived by research scientists who Are driven As always by a burning desire to push Back the frontiers of obtaining Federal funds. I just wish i had been in the room when they thought this particular concept up. Probably they were relaxing one afternoon clicking Needles into Laboratory rabbits and kicking around ideas for new science projects. How about if we build a 400-foot-Long, nuclear powered undersea saxophone one said. Nah scoffed the others. Too  they also ruled out proposals to build the world s largest hearing Aid and to implant eight Liny super Counder Wiorks transistorized Jacuzzi into the brain of an alter. Then one of them leaped to his feel and shouted i be got it Well build .1 giant underground Racetrack for invisible particles of course the other scientists loved it. They laughed and danced and inhaled Bunsen Burner fumes far into the night. The supercollider proposal then went to president Reagan whose aides gave him a detailed technical briefing utilizing a Tambourine and two colors of m is. After Askings few questions which one is Nicaragua again he approved the idea. Anol her major scientific 1 Hing we Are thinking of doing is sending a manned spacecraft to Mars. One of the scientists pushing this idea is Carl Sagan the same person responsible for making sure that the first Man made object to leave the solar system had engravings of naked people on it. The reason we need to go to Mars is that we would gain important clues regarding the nature of the uni., no Walt we already used that one.  i mean is the reason we need to go to Mars is that otherwise the russians might get there first and establish a base from which they could spread communism to Jupiter. Bui there would Pio be practical benefits to the taxpayer. Because if we can solve the incredibly Complex technological problems involved in getting a manned Craft to Man we might gain valuable insights into solving the mystery of How to get a regularly scheduled commercial airline flight from new York to Boston in less Lime than ii can be done on crutches. This could very Well happen in your lifetime or and mrs. Taxpayer though i doubt it. All wrapped up in elaborate dilemma by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i have been present Al wedding and baby Tho Wen and at retirement Dinten and have observed that the honoree when opening gift while the company Watchet is Weldom at Date in removing the gift wrappings. Their wrapping Are often quite elaborate not to by expensive. Frequently they How that a great Deal of care has been taken to pretend the gift beautifully what if the proper Way to remove the ribbon and paper and extract the gift to that Thow pretend May exclaim Don one carefully and slowly remove the tape avoiding tearing the gift paper old the paper neatly and then take the present from the both when this i done several Timet it teems to make the of Catlon Awre tedium than it would otherwise be. Vet la rec Leuty tear off and Lou att de All decorations in haste to see what ii inside does not teem a gracious Way to treat presents carefully selected by other. Gentle Reader there is indeed a procedure. Neither of the ones you describe the this i too Good to throw away method and the Lemma tit method is actually incorrect. Bui you Are quite r Ighel that each lacks something in audience Appeal. It is rather like being the first guest to be served an elaborate dessert. The person who demolishes it in one great stroke before anyone else has had a Chance to Admire it seems greedy while the one who refuses of do anything but repeal no this looks Loo Good to spoil is tiresome. The answer is a Short bunt of admiration. Exclaim of How Beautiful of Why this is a work of Art in itself and then get on with it. Dear miss manners i am British and i understand the Point you have made about american not Curts Ying to our Queen. Bui do Amer least know Iii i a two Way Streett on veral of cation 1 have been loudly and publicly berated by various of your countrymen limply became i have remained sealed when the american National Anthem wit being played. No Lon ago 1 a  yanked to my feet by an unknown american for what he termed my  when i explained that it Wai jut another tune to me he became angrier. Vet i m Jure you understand thai the two situations Are analogous. Thing which provoke an immediate and emotional Responte in one nation simply have no meaning or Othen to id it would be hypocritical to pretend otherwise for the take of appearance. Gentle Reader no the two situations Are not analogous. And miss manners is not the one to enlist when you Are denigrating the importance of appearances especially in ceremonial matters. A More Apt comparison would be that of a person attending services in a Church when he is not a member of its religion. He does not have la Kneel or repeal the prayers but he does have to remain silent and stand when the congregation does. One does not Bow or curtsy to a foreign Monarch because the gesture symbolizes recognition of her cower Over her subjects. But one nevertheless treats her with respect. You do not have to Ting another country s National Anthem but you do Luve to show it respect by standing. Have 3 question on Eli Luclle write loaf is manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 092 i your question will be forwarded to her. Mia Mannen can Only answer questions in her column. October ii rh7