European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 6, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Parent no what you Don t Tell your child can Hurt him by Lawrence Kutner new York times he picture Al adult Lite thai patents paint or their children is filled with false colors we Tower our voices so thai i Hoy cannot Hoar us discuss the bankruptcy or be Jove Allair. We Wail until icy Are ask sep before via an our lust rations and Ann tics. N is part of the parents Job. Shielding our children Tom things that might upset them we View a Mohood As a Carefree Lime without the stresses ind problems thai surround us of adults through of n children a too can a Carel rce it Only vicariously. Bui How much should we a retd our children from i he adult world should you Chare everything with Yoiiro child is your sen me any of your children s business whal Aboul your Amity s finances Al wha Vigo 13 a Cylid ate to understand null Inta Malion knowing what to Shara with your children and when can hip them grow into Conti Donl competent adults. To do this requires i  How your children think and looking Lai clues to their emotional   some information is simply beyond Tho  of Young children Rhino tsar Odds Lor example cannot understand Adit act concepts. If a child that age cannot see it 01 Loire m now it might As sch not exist. Telling your 3-year-old Iho reasons for your divorce or the problems with your investment is simply a waste of Lime the complexity of emotions May even be arc Pond what a 13-year-old can handle. You can t just took at your child s chronological  said or. Stuart Hauser. A psychiatrist with the Laboratory of social psychiatry at the Harvard Mii tical school. You have to look at his psychological age As  one Way to Tell what your child can handle Mauser advised is to look Al the papers to or she writes Tor school How close to adult thinking is the logic Shawn in Inose papers How do they Deal with emotional issues children will also let you know How much they understand by the typos of questions they ask. For example few children younger than 10 understand the relationships Between work income and Tife style. White icy May sense fist Ess in their family the concept of daddy s being out of work Means very Lillo to them. They will want to be reassured that the stable parts of their lives parents at Home food on Ino table wit not be Fra ruled a teen Ager however has begun to see the relationship Between a Job and Money and will ask questions about the Job Market and salaries. In either Case your answers should be tailored to the level of your child s question. If your child leaves Tho roam or becomes angry or upset it is probably because he does not understand Iho information and is frightened by in. Although our intentions May a Good Many child develop mint exports say that some of the ways we try to protect our children May cause As Many problems As we seek to prevent a couple Are having a loud argument. Their 4 year old overhears the commotion and walks into the room the father concerned thai if the child seas his parents fighting he might think they will split up and abandon him tries to protect his son. He tells the boy he was t realty angry but was just kidding. That kind of systematic dishonesty has Many bad effects said William Damon a developmental psychologist Al Clark University in Worcester mass child in can develop a Gener fined i Sisusl of what parents Tell them. Besides kids see through i what better Way Tor a child of any age to learn How to Deal constructively with anger and lust ration than to see that behaviour modelled by his parents a child who sees Strong emotions openly acknowledged is less Likely to misinterpret those emotions than one whose parents try to cover things up by admitting that you Are angry or frustrated or sad you Are providing a contest Lor your child to understand what you Are doing and saying. Perhaps More important you Are showing your child that ii is of Tor him to express emotions Loo. As a Parent you Don t have to be Pertell in liw Way you handle your own anger in front of your child. By occasionally showing How upset you Are. Your child win learn that unlike what lie often sees on television adult anger need not Lead to violence what about sex How much should your children know of your sexual merest and activities while psychologists Are divided As to exactly what you should share Wilh your Chadron there Are some guidelines. You do have a right to your privacy. Just is your child has a right to his. What you share Wilh your children and How you share in. Should be matched to your level of co Torl. Remember that what you say should match the child s level of comprehension and emotional maturity. A preschooler for example not Only would nol understand serial activity bul might even find it frightening. A a nol in the Best interest of Young children to see sexual Intercourse but it s nol As traumatic As some psychoanalysts describe said Gerald Al Adams a psychologist and professor of family and human development at Ulah state University in Logan. All is nol Tost if Titis happens. Once again tha types of questions your child asks will ten you whether your child is upset or sump by curious. Keep in mind that children learn Al last As much from context As they do from Content your child will learn and remember More from How you present things than from what you say. It you Are upset end uncomfortable discussing sexual issues Wilh your child your child will feel uncomfortable discussing his own sexuality. It s extremely important however thai your child recognize irom a very Young age that his parents Are sexual beings. All children should see their parents hugging touching and  Adams said those experiences Ara the precursors to a child s learning about  Erma Bombeck when it comes to Money i m a Paradox i drive a car Wilh automatic windows cassette player and a sea Bell that talks to me. Yel. I have Cloven around for Lher a Ein duh Page 16 the stars and stf1ipes saturday february 6,19b8