European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - December 8, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns traffic offence puts . Judicial system to the test by Dave Barry kmgh1riddrr newspapers probably the get Mihl thing Abdul this country aside from the fad that virtually any random Bonehead can become president is the american system of Justice. We forc very Forl Niile to live in a country where every person accuser of a crime unless he has a name like Nicholas Nicky the squid i Liamari is considered until such time As his name appears in the newspaper. Also you Hiil Ihl called Carmen Miranda right to be provided it the taxpayers expense if you Connol afford one with an enormous Ruit Cov Orud hat. Bui the most right of ill is every criminal is entitled to ii in court. Although in my particular Case it occurred Al night. Lei me stress right out front Thill i was is guilty ,15 sin. I was driving in downtown Miami which in itself shows very Packjr judgment because Rosl Miami motorists graduated with honors from the Nammar and Ofifi school of third world slyly driving. Their Mollo is dentil before yielding so i probably should never have been there i anyway and it served inns right when the two Alert police officers fired up their Siren pulled me Over and pointed Oul thai my car s registration hid expires. I had not realized this and As you can imagine 1 fell like riuili1 the renegade Nul Law As one of the officers painstakingly wrote out my ticket standing Welt to be Side of the Road sons to ii void getting Hil by the steady Stream of passing unlicensed and uninsured motorists driving their stolen cars with their left hands so their right hands would be free to keep their pit bulls from spilling their cocaine All Over theft machine guns. Not that i am bitter of course. When he rave me the ticket the officer told me that i had to appear in court. I had never done this before so i considered asking my attorney Joseph Joe the mouthpiece Digiacinto to represent me. Unfortunately of is not a specialist in traffic matters in the sense that Antl i say this As a Friend he is the wore Driver in Trie history of the world. Thus i figured Joe might not be the Ideal person to have on my Side in traffic court Joe your Honor my client. Us. Wall just a minute. Aren t you Joseph Digiacinto the infamous menace of urn Well. Judge the person who had Driver s licenses revoked by three different slates Joe Well,-1,. Judge the person who oct during a crowded Street festival in new York s colourful Chinatown District attained a Speed of almost 45 mile per hour on the sidewalk Loe Well yes. Judge i sentence your client to Devilli. Sol thought i d be belter off representing myself. I be watched people s court for years and i Pride myself on my ability to grasp the issues involved even in Complex cases involving highly technical Points of Law such As does the dress shop have to Lake Back the defective formal gown if the buyer got . Stains on it. In fact i have always secretly wanted of be a lawyer. 1 could picture myself it a major criminal Case getting the Best of my opponent through Clever verbal sparring and shrewd courtroom Maneu vers me so or. Teel erhorn you re telling us that you can t recall Why you happened to bring a Flamethrower to the Bridge tournament witness that s right. Me Well perhaps this will help refresh your memory or. Teel erhorn witness nol get thai thing away from me ouch it s biting Mel opposing attorney i object. Your Honor or. Barry is badgering inc witness me your Honor As these documents clearly prove. Rex Here is a Wolverine nil a Badger. Judge of i la allow it. By the night of my traffic court appearance had worked out a Subtle Yel Crafty defense strategy groveling. My plan was in beg for mercy and ask for the judge s permission to Buff his shoes with my hair. Only Here was no judge. They he Relerf us traffic violators into a courtroom with flags and a judge s Bench and everything but instead of an human they had a judge on videotape. Really i could have just stayed Home and rented the american system of Justice. The video judge welcomed Usati traffic court and explained our various Legal options in such careful detail that by the Lime he was done none of us had the vogues idea whal they were. Then some clerks started calling us one by one to he front of the room. 1 thought this would be my Opportunity to Grovel but before i had a Chance i he clerk stamped my piece of paper and told me Loro pay the cashier. Thai was it. Within minutes i was Back out on the Street another criminal released with a slap on the wrist by our revolving door Justice system. The first thing i did Back on the outside was made an illegal a turn. Friendship does t require unnecessary purchases by mass manners United feature synd Cai dear miss manners How can i avoid buying useless things when a Friend s child or another Friend s grandchild comes around before every Holiday to sell anything from Candy to Christmas cards to Novelty items i Dnn l need would t mind if 1 had the extra Money but i m pinching pennies to buy things for my own Amity. 1 do buy so i Don t hurl a Friend s feelings and so i Don t lose their Friendship but then i worry about my own Christmas shopping. How can t refuse these youngsters without hurling anyone s feelings gentle Reader just is Friendship is hot for sate neither does it require periodic payments in order to survive. There is no social requirement to buy things from one s friends or their relations and doing so alien this creates financial difficulties is foolish. Miss manners cannot imagine thai any Friend Worth the name will hold a polite refusal against you. Bui perhaps the Way of doing it politely Hsihe difficulty. Miss manners suspects that your problem is disappointing children who Don t understand that people Are not obliged to put their Money where their Friendship is. Consider however How much boiler it is for them to learn this fact now than to grow up ruining parties by hustling. Just be charming to the children. I am so sorry but i Don t believe i la Lake any but it was Nice to see you is More kindly than an exasperated Ohall right with in order. Dear miss manners we Are planning to give a baby Shower for a dear Friend the Mother to be Wilt lie having an Ultra sound test to determine the sex of the baby prior to the Shower. How do we let our invited guests know inc outcome on the invitations without sounding crass a gentle Reader you will Only sound if you dwell on How this information was discovered. There is nothing wrong with inviting people to 3 Shower with an invitation in Honor of Megan Bass who is expecting a dear miss manners my Mother is Iii. She has a respiratory disorder and an Acula Case of depression. She looks Trail and walks slowly. These. Problems have made her rude and impatient. How do i to Cal people she is ill indeed should i bother to Tell heat How do i handle inc. Inconsiderate people who gawk and stare gentle Reader there Are two problems Here How to treat those who Are rude in your Mother and How to treat those to whom your Mother is rude. People who stare rudely should be stared Down Asil were. This is done by a fierce answering gaze Wilh a questioning look added by raising the eyebrows Ai if to ask do you have some business with if your Mother hurtful to someone need you apologize for her. The dignified Way to do so is to say i m sorry but my Mother in t Pear miss manners if my daughter is living with a Man but not married to him and they give presents at Christmas is in proper to say they re from her and her live in Boyfriend i m not particularly Happy that they arc no married. Gentie Reader whether you Are worried about How inc card should be signed or How the item should be identified when Yog Are showing in to others you have not made Clear to miss manners. You have made your chief worry quite Clear but Tjit is not a question of etiquette. In any Case a present from Twu people is associated with both their names love Kelly and Clint or Kelly and Clint sent me this Lovely etiquette does not recognize the title live in Boyfriend to use. In his connection As for example a card might be signed merry Christmas from aunt this is from my Uncle dear miss manners i collect old etiquette books and have come across several references to a or Grundy which have puzzled me. For example from the cyclopedia of social usage by Helen t Roberts published in 1913 by a special dispensation of mrs. Crundy one hallowed to lift the Woody end of the boiled asparagus stalk in one s fingers to dip the head in the sauce on one s plate. A Bui even when deftly accomplished this is not a Dainty v r please Iclet me if mrs Grundy was a real woman and an authority on Correct deportment Early in this Century a sort of precursor to yourself or was she some mythical creature whom our ancestors invoked As an excuse to relax the rules of etiquette gents Reader mrs. Grundy a character in Thomas Morton s rollicking 1798 hit 5pee / the plough arid Ihus roughly a contemporary of mrs. Malaprop the Richard Brinsley Sheridan character who had so much trouble with word was a lady who disapproved of everything usually because she found scandalous possibilities in innocent actions. It is a Liberty to presume that mrs Crundy would have Given out dispensations which would have been quite against he nature. Thus mrs. Crundy is quil u Liike your own reasonable warm hearted tolerant miss manners. However miss manners has noticed that the once popular expression what would mrs. Crundy say has been replaced in this Era by a similar expression that modesty forbids her from repealing. Tutti Phi might zone
