European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - December 29, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Column columnist remembers the headlines of 1988. It s Hein ,1 year to remember january tin new  it in on a positive note .14 a Mai Biff Mitzi Iii Curtid by the greenhouse effect slams into Iowa and traps an estimated 3,000 leading  Temli Andurs Frau Kalty most of Idem ire Able to survive by eating son Essen dial aides. A Michigan Supi Fhi Aiki l Shupper encounters Elvis Presley in i a Wen foods Section. Vic president George Bush s handlers concerned about their candidate s i Vamp image Check him into hip Ben inti thin clinic for sports Medicine. Toad Ike panamanian strongman and longtime . Ally Manuel Noriega speaking on panamanian in Levision vips anyone who wants to buy same drugs should Call me. I will sell Ciu some drugs because 1 am engaged in drug  observant . Foreign Pulley experts begin in suspect that something fishy might be going in. In a decision  will Taler prove to be a tragic  mistake Massachusetts gov. Michael Dukakis approves a prison furlough for . Attorney general Edwin Fri or George Bush gives a nationally televised Nogic locks Anchorman Dan rather and is rewarded by his hint Llars with a bowl of hormone Chow. February suspected iritis trafficker manual Noriega purchases a full Page advertisement for mail order narcotics in my weekly Reader. . Foreign policy experts examine this possible clue with magnifying glasses and secret decoder rings. Elvis appears at k marts in Vermont and Alabama. Alexander Haig reluctantly withdraws from the presidential race and urges his supporters to return to their spacecraft and Wail for 1992.  election  finally dawns in new Hampshire thousands of voters go to the polls read the names of the lending presidential contenders then he Down in the Snow to die. The Winter olympics Are marred by suspicions of possible drug abuse ask f ular Borgsen of Norway Winseth Cokl jump Wilh a leap of 14,7gb  item published reports reveal that a . B-1 bomber which costs $238 million and is designed to use the world s most sophisticated technology to be Able to penetrate deep into soviet airspace crashed because it Hil a Pelican. A  a heavy russian accent is arrested in Peris Acola pla., after he attempts to Purchase 250,000 pelicans for use As Pels. March v. " in a crucial first amendment Case the supreme court rules  Hustler Magazine does not have to pay the Rev. Jerry Falwell $200,000, but Drics have to return both his gerbils. Elvis appears in an american express commercial. Donald Trump purchases the mormon church.1 unfairly hounded Patriot Oliver North announces with deep regret that he must retire from  corps even though this Means he must Start making speeches for $25,000 and up depending of How Many limes you Waniel Vynice to crack with  the enforcer Bush explaining his Anli v crime plat form at a Texas Campaign Rany bites the head off a Jive Duck. Former White House press Secretary Larry Speakes writes a Book. Speaking out which contains the shocking claim that he made up quotations for v president Reagan. In response the president s aides inform Shirri that he is outraged. In los Angeles television writers go on strike to demand larger crayons. April Larry Speakes on a promotional Lour for his Book quotes president Reagan As having told him i love your Book. Speaking out available in leading bookstores and i think everybody should buy  Hopes for world peace soar As the White House and the Kremlin announce plans for a Moscow by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspaper Summit meeting intended to ease tensions Between Nancy Reagan ind Raisa Gorbachev. In the Academy award ceremonies. The last emperor wins the coveted Oscar Lor longest film narrowly edging out All the other entries spliced together. The Winner in the comeback of the year category is sentimental favorite Richard Nixon for his vivid portrayal of the Lead weasel in Alto framed Roger Rabitt May the Baltimore orioles having set a record by Starling the season with baseball s longest Ever losing Streak fire manager Cal Ripkin sr., who is immediately hired As a special advisor by the democratic National committee. Former White House chief of staff Donald Regan reveals in his new Book get ring even that Nancy Reagan regularly used the Blue room for animal sacrifice. The first lady angrily denies the charge through a while House spokes priest. In his regularly scheduled biannual press conference president Reagan is unable to explain How the Salt treaty came to be smeared Wilh what appears to be rooster blood. Iran and Iraq run out of teen age boys and sensibly decide to Call off their War. In Baton Rouge the Rev. Jimmy Swagart announcing that he has been forgiven by the lord returns to his pulpit where he receives a heartwarming reception from approximately 300 billion swarming . In the historic Moscow Summit for superpower wives Raisa Gorbachev accidentally spills nearly a gallon of boiling hot Lea in Nancy Reagan s Lap causing the first lady to involuntarily claw an 18-Inch Fingernail Gash in mrs. Gorbachev s Back. Spokespersons describe the Exchange As Frank. In a cover Story new Wedi Magazine reports that the greenhouse effect is getting worse and nobody can Slop it and the Polar ice Caps  to melt and we re All going to die. President Reagan nominates Shide Maclaine to be Secretary of astrology. Confirmation  Ings Are. Expected to last 65,000 year s.  7 july " / in .1 tragic International incident Art unarmed iranian Joelinor is shot Down  columnist car Rowan who tells police thai he Kepi an ,. Unregistered surface to air missile in his Home because lie was concerned about wind Shear. President Reagan inspecting the drought shakes hands with some Corn. The democrats,.warned by Campaign strategists that they Are in danger of winning several slate in november s presidential elections nominate Michael the human Quaal Ude Dukakis. August of. In Gdansk Poland shipyard workers finally reach an agreement Wilh the government after eight years on strike. They return to work Only to discover amid much Hearty laughter Hal they no longer have the faintest idea How to build ships. In new Orleans the republicans nominate George Bush despite the fact that in what medical experts say is a common affliction he has started to see Many Little Points of Light. Bush selects As his vice presidential candidate Dan Quayle who is assigned the important Campaign Job of Luggage Czar. In Gdansk the first ship to be built in the polish shipyards since the end of the strike the 5.s. Unit is dedicated in a moving underwater ceremony. Pieces of Republican Campaign Luggage Are found strewn As far away As Ecuador prompting George Bush to reassign Dan Quayle la the important Campaign responsibility of refreshments Czar. In Hawaii  Marcos says that if he s allowed to return Home Hill pay the fill i no government $5 billion which he earned by washing cars. Corazon Aquino says no. September George Bush his pupils the size of gnat eggs gives a moving speech commemorating the attack on Pearl Harbor then in oys a Hearty thanksgiving dinner. The Amedica s cup Competition reflecting Radical improvements in technology is won decisively by the .s. Vinc Etmer when skipper Dennis Conner mistakes t he new zealand challenger for an attacking iranian fighter Jet and Blosil away. The Bush Campaign hires the director of the. Popular Friday the 13th movies to produce a series of issues oriented Campaign commercials. In olympic action Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson wins the 100-meter dash the 200-Meler hurdles the pole vault platform diving table Tennis and Tae Kwon do. I fell very goad today he says. The Bush Campaign releases its first issues oriented commercial he f coming to your suburb based on the True life Story of furloughed rapist Willie Morion played by troubled Boxer Mike Tyson. A furious Michael Dukakis responds by mowing his Lawn. In olympic action sprinter Ben Johnson competing without a horse sweeps the equestrian events. October Throe California Gray whales seeking to break into show business arrange to become trapped in the ice near Barrow Alaska. Controversy erupts following the presidential debate when in mandatory Post debate testing George gush s urine Sample explodes. A debate official announces Hal the Michael Dukakis Sample cannot be Analysed until it thaws. The Bush Campaign scores another Box office smash Wilh its latest Campaign commercial release Willie part Xvi he wants your Onighter. Michael Dukakis retaliates by telling a rally Hal if elected his no 1 priority will be penmanship. True item Nancy Reagan s press secretory acknowledges that the first lady broke her Little Promise made in 1932, when she announced that she would Stop borrowing and not Rel turning expensive gowns and jewelry supplied by fashion designers. Cefaldo Rivera a his nose broken in a televised Brawl. For once his Rallings soar. Scientists using sophisticated Carbon Daling techniques to examine the Long venerated shroud of. Turin discover a lag Hal says dry clean Only. November the publishers of Batman comics responding to i poll of their readers kill fee woe Herman. George Bush wins the presidency narrowly edging Oul furloughed rapist Willie Horion. A newly svelte Oprah Winfrey reveals on National television thai she was Able to lose 243 pounds through a. Special nutritional program in which she spent five months under close medical supervision trapped in the ice near Barrow Alaska. Nancy Reagan checks into the Imelda Marcos clinic for women addicted to designer clothing the air Force attempts to Roll Oul the stealth bomber but cannot locale h. December plans for the gala George Bush inauguration proceed apace with the important assistance of newly appointed Valet parking Czar Dan Quayle. The space Shullie Atlantis lakes off Wilh a lop secret payload re. Nancy Reagan escapes from the Imelda Marcos clinic specially trained Indiana National guardsmen wearing coordinated outfits arc posted at the Entrance to Rodeo drive in a touching new year s eve gesture George Bush Lele vises a special Good Luck message to orbiting top secret payload Czar Dan Quayle. Decent bar 29, 19b8