European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - March 9, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns now it s pigs that go Boom by Dave Barry this is getting pretty scary. I in referring to increase . Number of spontaneously exploding animals. If you read his column regularly you definitely need to gut some kind of Ili Crapy but you also Are aware Over the past few months we Hove presented Tocu Mellary proof of explosions involving the following a foal spa Irum of life 1. A Snail. 2. A t my. Hit Snail you will recall exploded in a restaurant in Syracuse n.y., whereas the exploding cow was in new zealand. In clearly we Are looking at a global trend yet our so Calls d leadership remains silent. it in going to Lake Musi we Wail until the. President of the United , concern fur agriculture poses for a photo Opportunity a i Dairy Arm and suddenly the air n filled with the unmistakable sound Humph of detonating Boul and the loader of the free world is caught m .1 of Bovine organs including up to tour stomachs at up to 350 Miles Pur hour to Uklyn l be great a i he i me go ahead and have your cheap sophomoric laughs. Hut perhaps you will not by so amused when we a Pawl the shocking information we have obtained recently concerning exploding pigs. Ves pigs. This was brought to our attention by several Alert raiders who sent us a recent article from the weekly Wark it h a a respected supermarket Theta unit publication whose journalism motto is licenli.1 Vatu ver italis literally boy eats mom. The a Riff be concerns Farmers in Brazil who Are Jisi l because Llmer pigs .14 the news sensitively puts it Are exploding like bomb sin Case anyone might have the slightest Daubl about the accuracy of this Story Here is in actual photograph of a pig which Heen Tut in half we re talking about the photograph with the word bang realistically various redder sent in clippings of thit photograph Otan afghan Fisherman. Inserted Between the iwo halves. Case closed so we How have solid evidence of explosions in three species of animal. And that vie fear is not All. This whole situation is turning out to be a lot like an iceberg where you see Onty a Small portion clicking up air but when you look below the surface. You find a huge Quantity of exploding penguins. Lately we have been receiving a lot of alarming animal related news articles such As the one concerning the obsessed attack owl. Alert Reader Joyce Schwettman Send in this article from the Anchorage daily news concerning a Man Bruce Talbot who was skiing in a Park in Alaska minding his own business when a great horned owl swooped Down and Over the course of in next few minutes relieved the increasingly alarmed or Talbot of the following articles of clothing his hat his gloves his Coal his Vest and finally his shirt. We arc not making this up. The owl would gel his talons into a garment and the Only Way or Talbot could escape was to remove the garment and Ihen he owl would Latch on to another garment ind so on until the owl had ass obied almost a Complete ski went ensemble and. Or. was half naked ind skiing for his life hoping to make it to safety before the owl developed a hankering for his ski pants. The article Ulm a stale wildlife .14 saying that horned owls regularly attack people they have very powerful feet the official explains lending us to believe that in is us a matter of Lime before these creatures Are employed by automobile dealerships no thanks . I was Uil looking. Heyl let go of Riel help j. But we Don t want to think about that now we want to devote All our mental Energy to trying to comprehend an article from the Mong Mifty county journal m Maryland,.sent to Tii . Brei-riluvvjr., concerning ,1 dramatic lobster re Viciie. You re going to be sure we made this up hut we did seems that , mil., restaurant called the House of chinese gourmet installed a lobster Lank which Lissel some curium i is who Belling in a group to vote fur the 1 treat Cal of animals whips c Apper onily have i a Dee i respect for ill living things and 21.1 tremendous amount of spare Lime i Eta bought seven lobsters fruit the restaurant for $40, removed them from the link Ichii Rodihn to Iii article a 1 Eta member talked softly and Rubycil the lobsters to reassure Iceni. Ind Ihen paid 420 1 id Fly the lobster to Portland min where they ihi.1 lobsters were released Sumii where they will live Happy productive lives until they Are recaptured by lob Lermen who will re soil them to i he i Louse of chinese , which Willie sell Thum in i Fia ind thus will the great cedi of lid Tonline until the lob slurs become in air sick that hey do libera Ely curl them solves into boiling water. Our final alarming item is on associated press photograph sent in by various readers showing an afghan Freedom fighter using a Nikki to pin Puller grenade launcher Fri doubt paid for with our dollars to shoot . We in ii it you pct i seyhers should Gnu should author still thank sex friends for their help by miss manners in Ltd Caluri by Mirtte dear miss manners while i was writing my first Book which has now been accepted Lor publication i received a great Deal of help from two people. One gave detailed critiques of my work and " the other allowed me to live rent free in his House while i was writing. Since the Book was accepted however both people have become very angry at me and have asked that i never speak to them again. They refuse to give me the Opportunity to Clear things up. I have been hurl by their sudden and Complete rejection and hive not been in touch with either. I a not know what Book acknowledgement etiquette Calls fur. Were i still on speaking terms with these people 1 would thank both of them by name. Since they wish to forget that i a isl however perhaps it would be More appropriate to avoid mention of either of Thorn Thi is what my friends Tell me. But i am not convinced for the help they gave me was enormous and occurred before the dissolution of the relationships i am Stilt grateful for in regardless of what has happened since. Gentle Reader like you. Miss manners is unable to judge whether these people would feel i hem wives besmirched by any Public linking of their names Wilh yours no Mailer How respectful if things Are nil All that bad your gesture might open he Way to reconciliation. A Way to find out is to have your editor write them thai you would like to include their names acknowledgements if they have no objection. That Way they will at least have to word their objections politely dear miss manners please entertain the possibility that you May have been wrong. I refer to your response to the Reader who did not recognize the names on a wedding invitation you assumed that it was a Case of people inviting guests they did t really know such is Distant co workers. My husband and i received an invitation to a bar Mitzvah from a family we could t recall. We fretted for weeks wondering what business associate or neighbor we were forgetting. Then we received a phone cull from the mysterious Host. It turned out that his daughter had compiled the Gucal list and gathered addresses from the phone Book. She dearly wanted to invite her classmate who happened to have Hie same name As my husband so she used our address by mistake. Imagine if we had attended an obvious error. " _ in retrospect i think it would usually be advisable to Call the Host and be diplomatically honest about one s ignorance. Perhaps the invitation was really meant for someone Reader wrong miss manners All right but you will have to of give some awkwardness in her manner of acknowledging it As it is the first line indeed such a mishap had not occurred to her As she hears so often from people who want to Issue wedding invitations fsr beyond their actual social circles checking mysterious invitations is an excellent idea although not recommended for those who have a tendency to forget the names of their relatives and old friends. I mirth 9, 1989 in riots Mig tint
