European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 5, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Parents affairs children too feel betrayed by Andree Brooks new York times Hildren suffer when their parents engage in extramarital affairs. Oven when the parents succeed in keeping the affairs secret therapists and sociologists in the United states arc Linding. White an affair is lacing place children sense thai Tho Parent is expending emotional Energy outside the family the specialists say. As o result the children May become anxious or frightened or they May sense rejection and feel they must have have done something wrong moreover expert found such children Are prone to have Alfa ifs themselves when they marry. The common Assumption has been that unless a marriage was in jeopardy a discreet affair had Wile if an Impact on a child Bui increasing clinical evidence and a recent study suggest Hal the Subtle changes in Anabui serous Parent s behaviour can unsettle children regardless of whether the truth leaks out and even if the children Are Loo Young to understand what is happening should the truth ornery a the specialist say children Are Likely to Loci As betrayed As the other Parent these observations  Are among the Lisl to assess the Impact of an affair on children indeed few reliable statistics exist on fio number of married Rio pc who commit adultery. Annel the. Laws Orv a sociologist affiliated with the Institute for research on women and gender at Stanford University said various studies suggest that adultery has been increasing with about 25 to 50 percent of married women and 50 to 65 percent of married men now engaging in at least one Liaison at some Lime n a marriage in her , Lawson found evidence to bolster the View thai adultery is often used As a form of rebellion or As a Way o enliven an otherwise pallid 01 frustrated life the findings thai children Are unsettled by extramarital at aus represent Only part of net research which involved 600 questionnaires and 100 personal interviews in England from 1991 to 1583 some data torn the study were published in the British journal of sociology last september additional findings wore published  United Stales in. November in the Book adultery Basic books $ 19.95 corroborating evidence on the Impact of extramarital affairs on children emerge irom the observations of Marcella Weiner a professor of psychology at Brooklyn College. She is collaborating with Bernard Starr professor of developmental psychology at Brooklyn College to Analayne the experiences of 300 patients of eight new York therapists. That material is to be published this summer by Mew horizon press in a Book to be called stalemate. In the past clinicians say. The Impact on children was All but overlooked Bui interest in this Field is increasing among clinicians or. We incr said because of the new locus in therapy on the family As a unit in which the actions of one affects the behaviour of everybody in Tho family. Further material has been compiled recently by prank Pittman associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta. Pill Marks findings were based on a 30-Ydar family therapy practice in Allan la where he counselled More than 1,000 adults and were published in january in the Book private lies we Norton to 95 Allol these experts found that adults having an affair  swept up n personal needs that they seem incapable of focusing on the potential effect on the child it was something ing parents apparently did not care to confront Lawson said. What emerges particularly irom the clinical material is a picture 61 children growing apprehensive  sudden Maden Loveness of a Parent or Telephone conversations behind closed doors in whispered tones All o these exclude the child from the usual comforting a Plana sucking lire be ing temper tantrums night terrors in act anything that seems an appropriate response to the tear that Ihor family is about to be wiped out older children May Leel angry or betrayed when they Lind out what is going on. The child is asking who is More important your child or your of Lair " Pittman wrote in an interview he said parents would bring their children to him for counselling because of troubling behaviour. Often again when nothing else seemed amiss the child s behaviour could be traced Back to the Onset i the Parent s Allar. Sometimes even before the. Child knew parental affairs can also become the training ground Lor a child s adult behaviour. Even though they May swear they will never do the same Lawson noted it appears to become a patterned response Learned in  in instances where a father  his relationships to a teen age son As Many do her sampling showed she found philandering taking on the overtones of a family tradition. By contrast the researchers reported girls who Are aware of their fathers behaviour seem to grow up angry at men and Usu a of their relationships with them when the Mother is having an affair the therapists said they detected a Diller enl reaction in children because the Mother is still most often considered the locus of the family a child who learns of an affair is in danger of losing Confidence in the viability 61 marriage and Amity Bui even if the alias exposed the trauma or. Children can be eased Pitman said if the parents Are sufficiently in control of their own emotions to explain to the child that these things should not happen but do happen and can be survived for a child Tho worst thing a Parent can do in an affair is to Ash a child to keep the Allair a secret from the other Parent if the child has found out Pittman said. It s like incest he added the child is forced to carry an awful secret and is alienated from the other  a wilful adolescent he said May blackmail the adulterous Parent As a result and grow out of control the researchers counsel parents involved in an extramarital relationship to pay Strong attention to their children so they will nol feet rejected. If there is a confrontation with the other spouse or a child discovers the truth the res rehers advise on explanation and an apology. The children who have grown up the strongest Are those who had the Chance to Deal with parental inti polity openly As an error or a character flaw rather than Normal activity or an appropriate solution o a marital  Piltman said. Page 14 the stars and stripes wednesday apr