European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 24, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns learning to Cope with the Many Joys of moving by Dave Barry knt Ghl Ric Lucr newspapers we re moving again. We re not going far maybe two Miles As the heat seeking radar equipped South Florida stealth Mosquito lies. It s hard to explain Why we re doing this. Call it a crazy whim. We just woke up one morning and said i know let s put everything we own into boxes and that s what we re doing. The giant cardboard mines of Peru Are working overtime to meet our Box needs because we have a lot of stuff that we need to take including Many precious heirlooms such As our calculator in which All the keys work perfectly except the "4," and our Complete mint condition set of 1978 visa statements try replacing those at today s prices. Stuff Wise we Are not a lean operation. We re the kind of people who if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we d need to carry in our backpacks for the final treacherous ascent to the Summit of mount Everest would Lake along some aquarium filters just in Case. The humorous part is we never finished unpacking from when we moved in Here. The other Day i watched my wife Beth As she opened a Box that has been sitting around unopened since our last move removed the contents and carefully packed them every last one into a new Box. I Grant you that these Are not the actions of a sane person but you would t be sane either if you d spent the last few weeks doing what Beth has been doing namely trying to gel hold of workmen. The workmen Are playing an elaborate prank wherein they come to our House and do a Liny smattering of work and then run off and hide in the Everglades for Days at a time breathing through hollow Reeds and refusing to return Beth s phone Calls. Every now and then one of them win come sneaking into our Kitchen frogs clinging to his hair and shout nyah nyah nyah at her then sprint off before she can hurdle the boxes and grab him. We need the workmen because we re trying to make our current House look Domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We re making a lot of simple obvious improvements that never would have occurred to us to make while we actually lived Here because tragically we both happen to be domestically impaired. If we were Birds our nest would consist of a single Twig with the eggs attached via scotch tape. We lived for 11 years in a House with a Light fixture that we both agreed was less attractive than if we simply had suspended a urinal from the Selling. But of course we never did anything about it until we moved just As in our current House we waited until now to Clear out the giant tropical spiders who live next to the front door subsisting on Federal express men or to replace the electrical ceiling fan switch that has three positions Low medium and Bush Down House or to eliminate the violently Pink Carpel thai made our bedroom look As though an Exxon Tanker had run aground there and spilled millions of Gallons of pc to Bis Mol. Yes we have plenty to do and we re doing everything we can to attract workmen including lying a string around a Small bundle of Money and placing it on the Lawn As bait. When a Workman approaches we tug it slowly toward the House and when he gets close enough we slam a Box Over them. During this difficult Lime we have received a Large Mound of assistance from our two dogs. Using their keen nearly Asphalt level intelligence they have sensed that something important is happening and have decided that their vital contribution will be to kill anybody who comes near our House. This Means they have to spend a lot of time shut away in my office Barking. They be reached the Point where they automatically Start Barking As soon As we shut them in there whether or not there s anybody to bark at yet. It s their Job Barking in my office. Somebody has to do it they produce approximately one bark apiece every two seconds so if i leave them in there for say 45 minutes Ihen open the door i gel knocked several feet backward by the escaping Force of 2,700 accumulated barks. Sometimes prospective buyers come to our House to look at it and we have logo hide in the Everglades with the workmen. Buyers Don t want you hanging around when they look at your House because they want to feel free to make Frank observations such As what Are these toenails they would make this remark in my office which contains Many Large unexplored Toenail deposits that have built up Over the years because i am a professional writer which Means i spend As Many As five hours a Day engaged in fool maintenance while waiting for professional sentences to appear in Rny brain. But the rest of the House is looking real Nice thanks to Beth. In fact she s starting to make me nervous yesterday she put some magazines on a table in a fan arrangement. This is of course one of the Early symptoms of the dread june Cleaver disease which ultimately leads to the appearance in your bathroom of soap shaped like fruit. So i m hoping we sell this House soon. Make us an offer. We re motivated. We re reasonable. We re accommodating. You get the dogs. Flirtatious behaviour makes interesting viewing by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i am employed As a scientist at a very Large firm that recently held a joint training session for the scientific and engineering divisions at a Remote company owned resort. The course instructor was an attractive Man in his Early 40s, representing one of our company s vendors. A Young woman in her Early 20s from the engineering division made advances to the instructor. He had mentioned in class that he was married and had even told us a Story about one of his children. The Young woman told me that she was engaged to be married. Yet one evening at dinner she brought him two glasses of wine he had not requested each time walking across the room As she was not sitting at his table. She used provocative posturing toward him and made several flirtatious comments to him in the company of Many of us. On the third Day she even went so far As to recline her backside against the instructor s front Side. He did not appear to encourage her. Ninety percent of the employees attending the session arc married. I rather doubt that the Young woman s behaviour escaped their attention. I confess that i said and did nothing in regard to her Lack of discretion. Would miss manners please instruct me As to what would have been an appropriate and proper response on my part gentle Reader a response to what As far As miss manners can discover from your letter you have not received overtures requiring a response. Rather you and the Oiler employees Are in the not unpleasant position of observing an amusing show without having any responsibility for the behaviour involved. The instructor is in a More awkward position. His defences of advertising his family and ignoring physical advances do nol seem to be working. However he need Only outlast the occasion and go Home. Presumably he does nol want to risk rejecting a lady who could Ihen indignantly claim she was just trying to be Friendly. A supervisor of he event or of the employee might hint that she should exhibit More Businesslike behaviour or might simply take Nole that she has More on her mind than her Job during working hours. This is nol a Good thing to have one s superiors observe. But thai is her Lookout. The rest of you have merely been handed a Titbit of gossip to report when you gel Home. Dear miss manners for 20 years my husband and i had a reputation As party givers often hosting affairs with As Many As 50 guests. What seemed strange to us was that our guests never reciprocated. Not one. Never. Still we enjoyed the parties so much that we kept having them. Two years ago my husband died. I sold our Large Home and bought a smaller one nearby. I have not been a hostess since although i do miss those Happy times when we got together with people i still like to think of As friends. Now when i run into these people in Church in stores or on the Street i am confronted with such remarks Asoh you must come for dinner.  i be been tempted to respond Fine i la be there arc six o clock next  but of course i Don t. Instead of receiving invitations i m also getting a lot of invitations to be  they say things like when arc we going to Sec your new Home Why Don t you Start having Small dinner parties we d really love to  what did i do wrong and what should i do now gentle Reader Only your second question needs answering. Miss manners trusts that you know that not Only did you do nothing wrong but that you have 20 years of generous As Well As hospitable behaviour to your credit. Collecting on this debt will not be easy. Of course your guests should have been reciprocating All along. And now would be an especially appropriate Lime for them to take Over the responsibility for continuing the socializing. Whatever reasons they have been giving themselves that they ate Loo Busy to entertain or Don t know How to do so As Well As you or that you probably prefer to be the hostess Only serve to rationalize their failure to do their part while profiling from your efforts. When you receive one of those vague invitations you can say warmly and cheerfully you know i. Really would love to. I Don t quite feel up to entertaining As much now As i used to but frankly i have missed seeing you and would adore to come to dinner whenever you say. When would be Good Bui All these years you have been big enough to Overlook your friends omissions in the interest of having a Good social life. Now that you Are widowed they with All their faults Are probably More important to you than Ever. So miss manners urges you to continue your previous selfless policy in whatever modified form you feel you can now manage this time for your own Sake. August 24,1989 " stripes Magazine