European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 31, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns news of Mars Mission made summer exciting by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers summer s almost Over and Here at news Central we realize that Many of you have been too Busy enjoying traditional warm weather activities such As Mayonnaise poisoning to keep up with the news. So today we re going to review the summer s top stories including the death turnip and of course the theft of valuable cattle gallstones in Towanda a. But first we want to share the truly exciting news namely we re going to Mars. Yes this goal was announced by president George Skywalker Bush who demonstrated the depth of his commitment to it by standing in front of an american Flag that was roughly the size of the Amazon Basin. Granted the Mars Mission won t be cheap the Cost is currently estimated at $400 billion not including reality but the potential benefits Are enormous. For openers we will earn As a nation More than 500 million frequent flier Miles. Also we will learn Many useful scientific things about a mysterious space neighbor that has fascinated human beings Ever since the Days when they were As dumb As suet. For example when Early astronomers first reported that the planet s surface was crisscrossed with lines that looked like giant canals Many people believed that Mars was inhabited by intelligent life whereas now we know thanks to today s advanced telescopes that these canals Are actually nothing More than common Railroad tracks. Nevertheless a burning passion to know More about Mars continues to sear the bosoms of taxpayers everywhere. And although the president did not explain exactly How we re going to for this exciting Mission he did put it on the fast track by placing it in the hands of vice president Dan Quayle who is clearly ready to take on new responsibilities having already mastered after less than a year in office the operation of two different kinds of telephones desktop and car. Speaking of the american Flag another summer news item that you should be aware of is that the penalty for Flag burning is now execution without trial. This is the result of a much needed Law passed by Congress during an emergency All night session following a widespread outbreak of some Guy burning a Flag in 1984. Please note however that thanks to the efforts of the National Rifle association you retain your constitutional right to shoot the Flag in another National Security item we re pleased to report the successful lest flight of the stealth bomber which costs $500 million but is Worth every single million because it s invisible to soviet radar. How is this possible the answer is simple soviet radar does t work. How could it it was built by the soviets. That s Why we Call it soviet you can get better results by manually squinting out the window. A a Hal we re just kidding of course. Actually soviet radar works Fine. The real secret behind invisibility of the stealth bomber is Don t Tell anybody it s Only 17 inches Long. Next time they show it on the evening news press your head real close to the screen and you la see that the Pilot is actually she a Princess of Power from the he Man collection of action figures. Please Bear in mind that this is All classified information this Liny size will enable the stealth to penetrate soviet airspace the Only drawbacks being that a the plane s total munitions payload capability is a single m-80 firecracker equivalent in Force to one a Millionth of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima and b the stealth has proved to be highly vulnerable to air Force guard dogs who keep running off with it and getting it All covered with tooth Marks and spit. Other than that the stealth bomber looks like another proven Pentagon Winner. And speaking of enormous sums of Money there was a major scandal this summer at the . Department of being named after a Paul Newman character Hud when investigators found that some of the Agency s multimillion Dollar budget had been funnelled to actual poor people As opposed to consultants. This is being straightened out. In Oiler news items several Alert readers sent us an associated press article concerning a Man in London who was killed we Are not making this item up by a turnip thrown from a passing car. This will no doubt Lead to a renewed push for mandatory turnip registration which will of course be Defeated by lobbyists for the National Rifle association. A meatpacking Plant employee in Towanda pa., was accused of stealing 2.2 pounds of cattle gallstones valued at get ready $20,000. This item which we Are also not making up was in an article alertly sent in by Nan Feist of the Williat port Sun Gazelle True headline area Man accused of cow parts theft. The article slates that cow gallstones Are valued in the Orient As an aphrodisiac. Police Are still trying to locate the missing stones so if you have any idea Aslo their whereabouts you can put us Clown for a Pound and a half. Gentleman pays Bill leaves single ladies aghast by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners our society for single people recently held a dinner parly at a local restaurant. Six women and one Man attended. After the meal the gentleman requested the Check from the waiter and took the Liberty of paying the entire Bill. The ladies including me were aghast. None of us knew How to handle the situation. As he was seated close to me i did request that each of us our fair share. But he insisted that it was his treat because he usually dines alone and he greatly enjoyed the meal and our company. I would have Felt More comfortable paying for my own meal or taking care of the tip or at least paying for my own cocktails but i think that to insist to the Point of being rude would not have been right. For the next week i was plagued by phones Calls from All the ladles. They said it was up to me to Settle the matter by insisting that we each our share. I did suggest to the other women that to reciprocate we might plan to have a covered dish supper and invite him or if they Felt at ease perhaps they could take turns in inviting him to dinner. So that a similar incident does not occur in the future would appreciate miss manners advising me of the Correct procedure. Gentle Reader there seems to be a bit of hysteria Here. One munificent gesture directed toward six ladies at once does not create an unbearable social debt. By suggesting that the ladles Cook for him or invite him out individually you Are Only confirming that they Are heavily obligated. Miss manners understands that you and the others to not want to change the rules of the group so that anyone else would be obliged to duplicate this generosity. Bui surely you could keep inviting this Nice gentleman Back with Ihu Good natured understanding thai lie would be the group s guest. Since this is after All a singles group if any of the ladies wishes to Lake it upon herself to invite this gentleman out As a gesture of reciprocation for the group she need t be discouraged. Dear miss manners while attending an uproariously funny movie i apparently had the audacity to laugh out loud and make some general aside comments of the thai s funny genre. When the film was nearly completed the woman sitting in front of me turned around looked me in the Eye and said will you please be whose behaviour was out of line is it improper to laugh and outwardly enjoy a comedy or was it this woman who by her admonishment took the Joy out of the remainder of the picture for me if it is she what should the proper reaction be gentle Reader you Are attempting to pull a fast one on miss manners Here by defining the difference Between laughing and saying that s funny which is superfluous at Best. The proper reaction would have been a regretful smile and the mouthed but not even whispered word this would have allowed you to convey the idea that you never intended to be a nuisance but just got carried away with the fun of it All. Thus it would not. Only have served As an apology but have absolved you from that feeling that ruined the rest of the picture for you. Dear miss manners i am hopelessly in love with my doctor who i doubt is aware of my feelings. I have visited his office three times in the past year. I was genuinely ill but am now recovered. Miss manners i have never Felt this Way for any Man before. Although As far As i am aware he is single i know that there is a code of ethics whereby doctor patient relationships Are considered sacred and i would do nothing to jeopardize his career. I really want to get to know this Man better outside his office environment. However i am quite a shy person and Don t want to seem vulgar. How should i Deal with this situation gentle Reader miss manners is searching her mind for some ethical Point that can get her out of answering this question she is afraid that the cure might be worse than the problem because the Only Way to avoid transgressing against doctor patient ethics is to sever the professional relationship. You would then be at Liberty to find an alternative Way to meet this Man through a Mutual acquaintance volunteering in some organization he is Active in getting Active in some organization you can ask him to Volunteer for and so on. But Are you really sure you want to do this he May or May nol turn out to be interested in you but a Good doctor is hard to find. Dear miss manners a Friend told me that at her wedding reception she plans on having Champagne for the wedding party Only. I think it is ill mannered not to include everyone. I have suggested that since they cannot afford Champagne for everyone they should t have it just for some. Instead they should just have it for themselves after the reception is Over. Gentle Reader the perversions of hospitality being practice at Modem weddings would make your hair curl and this has to be High among them. If one cannot afford something special for one s guests one does nol consume that very thing in front of them. Nor does one invite people and then demonstrate to them that they Are second class guests did the bridegroom have a part in this idea if not. Miss manners worries about him. If so she Only worries about their children. Anyone who has thus demonstrated what her priorities will be when sacrifices must be made is not a Good marriage Prospect. Augustl 31,1989 Tripet mtg line
