European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 21, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns cherished family traditions make Christmas merry by Dave Barry Knight Didder newspapers the vaguely snowline chemical compounds that have been smeared on the store windows since before the world series arc starting to turn Gray with age. You know what that Means Christmas is near. In our family this is a very special time of year a time when we engage in centuries old Holiday traditions such As buying the world s Dearest tree. We go Down to one of those Christmas tree places that Spring up in vacant lots and charge you approximately $1 per individual tree cell and we wander around knowledgeably examining the various candidates until we find a tree that was originally Cut Down by Cannon fire during the civil War and we say this one looks Nice and fresh then we take it Home and set it up thus triggering a Long dormant defense mechanism designed to prevent the tree s natural enemies from hanging ornaments on it which causes it to instantly drop All its Needles like a heroin addict in a police raid. Once the tree is up and naked it s time for another favorite family tradition which is putting on our darkest sunglasses and driving Over to Admire the Home of the tasteful display people. These Are people in a neighbourhood near us who every year turn their House and Yard into a spectacular giant electrified display similar to downtown Las vegas Only without the restraint. In addition to several bazillion Light bulbs their Yard features animated recreations of traditional Christmas scenes such As the Long ago night when the three Wise men gathered in Bethlehem with other traditional motorized figures such As Mary Joseph and frosty the snowman to move their Heads slowly Back and Forth Back and Forth As though they were watching the Bethlehem open slow motion Tennis classic. The tasteful display people s Yard is already Bright enough to disorient commercial aircraft but they keep adding new elements including this year the fabulous new general dynamics xr-47 laser equipped Manger. It s Only a matter of time before these folks acquire nuclear capability. Speaking of threats to human survival i want to remind everybody of the recent alarming Holiday discovery that Fruitcake is destroying the planet. Yes. Leading environmental scientists now Tell us that Fruitcake being the densest substance known to Man emits Gravity rays so powerful that they suck on the Earth s precious Ozone layer causing it to stretch and eventually break like a cheap brassiere that s repeatedly washed in harsh detergent. This is sad news indeed because the Fruitcake has been a traditional Holiday treat Ever since the first one was produced accidentally by a chemist attempting to develop an edible tire. In our household we always got a Large amount of pleasure from receiving a Fruitcake and seeing if we had any Kitchen implements or Power tools sturdy enough to penetrate it. Tragically those Days Are Over because the Federal government has banned the manufacture or Possession of fruitcakes with violators to be placed in brutal Holiday prisons where they will be forced to actually read All the annual Christmas newsletters from their friends and loved ones. But never mind. This is America and if we want to we can Start new centuries old traditions. For example since we moved to Miami we be been going out each year with a group of people who engage in Christmas caroling from a boat. We motor around on a Maze of canals that go behind people s houses caroling our lungs out trying to remember All the words of the 12 Days of Chris Mas and i m sure that it would fill the hearts of our listeners with the True spirit of the season except they can t hear us because they re in the family room watching to. Sometimes though we get so loud that they la come to the window and peer out with alarm. What is it George. It s some people out there on a boat Yelling something. It sounded like nine goats a barfing. I m calling the police Christmas crafts for children Here s a fun and traditional Craft that i Learned to make Back in first Grade. Get some construction paper some children s safety scissors and a big Jar of that White paste that they used to have in Public schools  during the Eisenhower administration. Now take the scissors and attempt to Cut the construction paper into one Inch wide strips and finally give up in frustration because children s safety scissors Don t Cut Worth i Dolly squat. Now eat the paste thai s what we always did. Editor not. Tonii Holiday column by Dav. Barry originally App Arad in dkimberl9m or. And mrs. John Jones was proper but by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners we sent a Christmas card to old friends this year addressing it to John and Mary  Mary ones promptly sent Back the front of the envelope marking it incorrect and writing a note at the top please address us in the Correct Way or. And mrs. John  no one i have asked knows Why my form of address elicited such a strongly acerbic response. As a matter of fact the very Day we received Mary ones note my husband and i received a card addressed to Bill and Jane  did i make an egregious error or is this woman being super fussy gentle Reader both. However when it comes to Christmas mean spirited Ness there is no contest. She wins hands Down. Miss manners presumes that you meant Well and indeed Many people do not seem to notice or care about being stripped of their titles. But the Correct Way to address a couple is Well it is not As easy As it used to be. Or. And mrs. John Jones is Correct unless you know that mrs. Jones does t like being called mrs. Jones. In that Case it would be is. Or countess or whatever other title applies Mary Jones or. John Jones on two lines. But a lady could hate that too and want to be addressed As  there Are two overriding rules in All this chaos 1. Always address a person As she wishes to be addressed if you happen to know what that is. If you Don t know take a wild guess and a leap and Pray that she knows the second Rule. 2. Let people know How you wish to be addressed but Don t make an unpleasant scene if they make a Good Faith Effort and guess wrong. Dear miss manners two of us Are having a problem dealing with co workers who consistently interrupt our lunch hour to ask if they can have some of our food. It seems As if they expect us to share our food with them when they Are hungry. We bring our lunch practically every Day. We Are very aware of the importance of eating right so our meals Are highly nutritious and we fix them accordingly for just two people. We Are not trying to be selfish with our food but they can easily afford to buy their own lunch. I think it is very rude for someone to come into a place where we Are eating almost every Day stare at us with big Puppy dog eyes and say cosh i m starving or i think i la have a bite of this or thanks you Don t mind do you and pick up the food and begin eating without asking. We Are almost at the Point of closing the office door when we eat. We have suggested in Small ways that they bring their own food and eat with us but they say it is too much trouble. We would like to figure out a Way of telling our co workers How we feet without causing a lot of problems. Gentle Reader close the door. Miss manners sees nothing wrong with a private lunch and it will be your Only defense until you learn to say no. The Way to do that is to smile and say firmly no this is my Only lunch. I m sorry i Only brought enough for myself. But if you want to organize an office picnic sometime when we All bring something and share let me  you May even have to accompany this with a gesture such As moving your food where it can t be reached. Dear miss manners my problem is with the friends acquaintances neighbors and merchants who inquire about my Christmas plans or after Christmas ask How i spent the Holiday. To some i simply reply that i am jewish and Don t celebrate Christmas but that i Hope their Holiday will be Joyful to which i often get a sympathetic close to pitying look and in one instance actual disbelief. To others i reply Fine thank you and yours and feel that i have lied to them. I feel that it is presumptuous if not Tacky to assume that everyone else shares one s culture or religious beliefs even if this season has seemingly evolved into a generic Celebration of mindless shopping for some and deepening debt for others. Nevertheless i am often at a lots for a response that is both polite and genuine. Gentle Reader miss manners doubts that such offhand inquiries have anything serious to do with anybody s culture or religion. A serious religious reply from a Christian about the spiritual meaning of the Day for example would be out of place. Christmas being a Legal Holiday the question is asked much in the same Way that people say How was your weekend Fine thank you is the All purpose answer to such purely ritual questions As this and How Are you it is not a lie because it is not meant to convey anything other than a polite acknowledgement of the question. However you can say that you spent Christmas relaxing with your family or doing nothing. The statement i Hope you had a pleasant Christmas will conclude the discussion. Dear miss manners on my first try with a soft cooked egg in an egg cup i smacked it with the spoon Bottom. Nothing. Then i took my knife and gave it a karate chop. Nothing. I finally hit it on the Side with the spoon and spilled the innards All Over everything. What should i have done gentle Reader what was this an Ostrich egg miss manners notes that you gave it two Good tries and declares that the etiquette error was therefore the egg s. But since you Are the one who wrote in she will give you her advice which is to mop up. Have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can answer questions Only in her column. It camber 21, 1989 stripes Magazine