European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 11, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                It s the by Jane e. Brody anew York times i there is a Thorn in the flesh of my 24-year-old marriage it concerns gifts t like to give and receive them and my husband does t. A i shop for Holiday birthday and anniversary gifts months ahead he Waits for the Day or weekend before. / i keep my eyes and ears open for clues to presents he might need and enjoy he never seems to hear my rather blatant hints As to what id like. A a a a. A v when he does come up with a particularly wonderful gift like a Day with a personal color analyst which i never would have bought for myself lavish Praise and brag shamelessly but that does not necessarily reinforce the behaviour. My husband regards gifts As an unnecessary Burden and expense. He resents being it encumbered with items others think he should have Een if he likes them. If there is something he needs he says hell buy it for himself of course he rarely buys anything since he hates to shop. His attitude is Quot Why do i need a shirt i already have a  any of this sounds familiar done to be surprised. Gifts Are a far More common cause of personal discomfort and interpersonal conflict than most people realize. A. There Are Many potential sources for discordant attitudes toward  Ond family differences Are certainly important. Gifts May have been a big Deal in some families and All but ignored in others. In some families much time and Effort is spent finding just the right gifts for each recipient. Whereas in other families Little Token gifts often the same ones for everyone Are the More usual expedient solution. A. Psychologists maintain that issues of Power and vulnerability underlie Many gift related problems. Consciously or otherwise some people try to use gifts to buy love or Friendship assert dominance or instill a sense of obligation. A others men in particular a have difficulty accepting gifts because it makes them feel weak and vulnerable in effect in someone else a Power they seem to fear the feelings of tenderness that Are awakened by receiving a thoughtful gift. Others resent the controlling nature of certain gifts. For example articles of clothing can be taken to imply criticism of the recipient s usual attire or to reflect the givers but not the recipients a a taste. By Quot y sometimes people feel belittled by gifts. An older relative who is becoming unsteady on her feet May resent a gift of a Cane however Beautiful and practical it maybe. Or a Well Frie Aning gift of a shopping trip or meats for the Freezer May be taken to imply that the recipient cannot adequately care for himself. For still a this gifts evoke More guilt than Joy. The recipients May put think they deserve any gift let alone one that is elaborate or expensive such people May not have been Given much of anything As children or May have such Tow self esteem that they feel unworthy of a gift. In some cases the recipients May be embarrassed because the gifts they gave were a not  grand others May resent feeling. Obligated to give an  in return. Among couples having interpersonal difficulties underlying relationship problems can also show up As a conflict Over gifts. One person May always be the giver and the other the receiver with the receiver feeling helpless and dependent and the giver feeling resentful and unappreciated. Those who neither give nor receive May be too self occupied to nurture their relationship. And those who continually give to one another May be locked in a Power struggle that has Many other dimensions ,. In the  All possible worlds gifts would be Given Only out of love and appreciation. Everyone would have such a healthy ego that gifts could be graciously accepted without any feeling by givers or recipients that the gifts must be returned in kind. It might also help if More gifts were bestowed spontaneously without regard for special occasions or if the occasions chosen for gifts were not limited to the socially designated ones. For example a Friend or relative might be Given a gift for being especially understanding or helpful or for completing a difficult task or accomplishing an important goal. When a special Friend of mine finished her first novel i bought her a Charm Bracelet with a Charm symbolic of the Story.  have since Given her three More charms one for each new novel she s had published. A if you Are the Type who loves to give presents and is always finding something Quot just right Quot for friends and relatives it May help to lot the recipients know that you do not expect reciprocity in gilts. For me it is thanks enough to know they Are pleased with my gifts. Probably the hardest part of selecting gifts is choosing something you have reason to believe the recipient will enjoy rather than something you would like yourself. Quot then what is most significant is not the gift itself but the thought that went into it. For example a. Gift of Terry cloth headbands i use them for walking swimming skating and playing Tennis would mean a lot More to me than a fur hat i rarely Wear hats and fur offends my principles. Try too to avoid using gifts to assuage guilt Over tailing relationships or to revive them. The hollowness of the gesture is readily perceived if you Are on the receiving end of gifts practice accepting them graciously. To say Quot of you   makes the giver feel that you re right. Perhaps a better sentiment if it is honest would be something like Quot i certainly did not expect a present but i appreciate your  v try to let the giver know How you will use the gift if possible use gifts when you expect to see. The people who gave them to you. Perhaps the stickiest situation is ending or curtailing a tradition of exchanging gifts with friends or relatives like when the children Are grown and gone from their childhood Homes. It May already be too late for this Holiday season but  Start of the new year you could suggest a new approach for �?T91. You could say Quot now that the kids Are grown perhaps its time to rethink our Christmas packages or Quot How about placing a limit of our gifts a perhaps by giving one thing suitable for the family Quot As for spouses and significant others a heart to heart discussion May  remove the thorns and irritations Over gifts. To help those who have trouble selecting or finding suitable gifts you might consider making a _ list of possibilities months in Advance and maybe even suggest where the items could Beto and. Try to avoid absolutes like Quot i Don t wanting presents Quot and instead suggest two or More acceptable alternatives. For example my husband told the family he would always enjoys. Books and Fine wines but Quot please no More sweaters Quot and this year he let it be known that a new Wallet and ice skates would be Welcome no Surprise under the tree perhaps but at least the gifts will be appreciated. A. / tuesday december 11. 1990 the stars and stripes a Page 13