European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 27, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                I _ Page 24keep level head in the face of exploding things Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspaper Quot a Quot Quot a Quot to e have been very Busy Here at the / Institute of exploding things. We have received so Many alarming y t explosion reports that our Elco tronic computerized data base overflowed the Beer Box where we keep it and got scattered All Over our office floor when our Small auxiliary dog Zippy started digging in it. Dogs will do that.  lie around and do absolutely nothing for five hours then suddenly  receive an urgent radio message from dog. Planet saying Start digging right now Quot and  leap up and just tear into whatever surface they happen to be standing on whether its a Nice Oak Loorom the Institute of exploding things data base. This is an important instinct that dogs have dating Back to millions of years ago when in order to survive they had to act stupid. Nevertheless we can clearly Sec that the worldwide epidemic of exploding things has reached epidemic proportions. Consider the following London daily Telegraph article which was sent in by Alert Reader Ralph Gage. We Are reprinting this article in its entirety a a wet to shirt exploded in the hands of miss Gail Salter a beautician As she Hung it on her washing line in Hucknall Notts. Firemen blamed a huge buildup of Static  we certainly do not wish to be critical but whoever wrote this article has the journalistic instincts of spam. A to shirt explodes in a woman a hands and the firemen of Hucknall Notts casually reveal that this was caused by a a huge buildup of Static electricity a a and we re supposed to let it go at that if this article is True millions of americans Are walking time bombs especially our Young people who arc known for wearing to shirts and scuffing their feet on carpets which is where Static electricity comes from. One minute a Young person could be full of life listening to loud ugly music while you re trying to sleep and the next minute. A blame a the Hope of tomorrow is snuffed out along with $387 Worth of rap cd. So lets not worry about it. But we should give some thought to our next item which was sent in by Alert Reader Jonathan Ward. Its the instructions for a product called Fly spider which uses a chemical attractant to trap Flics. Under the heading helpful hints appears the following a never Seal dead Flics in a closed Container., doing so May result in hazardous explosion a we have read this helpful hint Over and Over and do you know what happened to us we have been seized by an overpowering urge to Seal dead Flics in a closed Container. We can to help ourselves at parties we find ourselves asking pc Pic a you got any dead flies you re not using a its All we think about. But we should also be thinking about the alarming implications of our next item an article from the Richmond a times dispatch sent in my Alert attorney h. Watkins Ellerson. This article concerns a doctor who being a doctor was probing around in an intimate Region of a male patient with two medical objects a viewing device called a a sigmoid scope a and an electrocautery device Tjit according to the article a generates intense  this proved to be unfortunate because without warning the patient had an intestinal event that we will not name Here except to say that it is usually caused by being in a crowded elevator. In the doctors words this is what happened next a i saw a Blue flame. And with a loud Boom an explosion occur cd thrusting the patient Forward. The sigmoid scope was propelled Back into my hand forcefully enough to push both me and. My attendant backward a a the patient turned out of but we Hope this serves As a reminder of the importance of exercising extreme caution whenever you Are in a Doc. Reisinger Zagreb. Yugoslavia Quot that a Why its 30% cheaper Quot no kidding percentage of applicants accepted at service academies coast guard Academy �?8 air Force Academy a 12 naval Academy a 12 military Academy West Point �?13 merchant Marine Academy �?19 a Harvard accepts 15 percent of its applicants source the 300 most selective colleges How a Dracula changed Bela Lugosi wore his Cape in Public played monsters rest of career buried in his costume gave interviews from a coffin source classic movie tors waiting room. Its too late to react when your doctor and his assistant come crashing through the Wall propelled by a High Speed sigmoid copy. This is Why the american medical association now recommends that All waiting room patients take the simple precaution of lying on the floor and covering themselves with a 6-Inch protective layer of old issues of Fortune Magazine which Are kept in All medical waiting rooms for that purpose. A a a a a a a a. A a a. A a a a unfortunately we re almost out of space so we can to discuss the Many other alarming reports we be received such As the one concerning the gasoline that leaked into a Lake in fort Collins colo., causing a rash of exploding barbecued fish or the blackout in Thornton colo., that occurred when a Squirrel got inside an electrical transformer and according to the Rocky Mountain news a exploded loud enough to be heard a Block away or the similar incident that occurred in Syracuse n.y., where a transformer detonated a Raccoon. God alone knows what will happen when inevitably a transformer is infiltrated by a cow. A a. A a a a the important thing right now is do not panic do not go to pieces. Disregard the fact that at any moment in any Given area you could be wiped off the face of the Earth by a Hail of Squirrel fragments. You must Force yourself to remain Calm. And no matter How great the temptation a believe us we know what you Are going through a you must not Seal your dead Flics in a closed Container. Instead mail them to us. Gunski Moscow user. To plus sunday january 27, 1991