European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 22, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Open adoptions catching on Byma Yesch the associated press he first Days of Dylan Scott Piseczny s life were filled with Joy and anguish for his two mothers the one who bore him and the one who will nurture him to manhood. That first Day was wonderful says Mary Lisa Piseczny of Halfmoon , she s the adoptive Mother of Dylan now a cherubic toddler with Bright Blue eyes and Flaxen flyaway hair. We All took turns holding him and taking  the next Day Dylan s birth Mother went to court to sever ties with her second born son. Then she returned to the Hospital to say goodbye to him and to the Mother she had chosen to raise him. It was terrible Piseczny says. I could see she was in agony. We just sat in her room and hugged each other and  it was t a final goodbye though. Piseczny and her husband Scott have kept in touch with birth Mother Cena by Telephone and mail. They five sent her snapshots and Home videos. Jlas june when Dylan was 14 months old the Piseczny took him Back to his Birthplace in Tennessee to visit Cena and the 4-year-old son she is raising As a single Mother. Dylan also met his biological grandparents and other relatives whom the Piseczny s regard As congenial in Laws. As Dylan grows the Piseczny Hope he will keep in touch with Cena As he would with a Loving aunt through Telephone Calls letters and occasional visits. When i Tell people we have an open adoption they think we re crazy Mary Piseczny says. No one can really understand until they re in it open adoption was mainly a California phenomenon until recent years. Now it s swiftly moving into the mainstream of adoption practice across America open adoption is the Only kind most birth mothers want today says Kathleen Silber author and assistant director of the 11-year-old Independent adoption Center in pleasant Hill Calif. While most adoptions were closed a decade ago the majority now Are at least partly  the trend has triggered much debate among adoption professionals. At one extreme Are those who say adoption is harmful but Contact with biological Kin can Salve the psychological wounds. The other extreme says confidential adoption works Well and open Contact May do saturday january 22, 1994 new yorker Mary Lisa Piseczny plays with her 21/2-year-old adopted son Dylan. Last year she took him to Tennessee to visit his birth Mother. More harm than Good. A vast Middle ground says there s room for various Levels of openness depending on the personalities and circumstances involved. While one birth Mother might want confidentiality another might prefer a sem open adoption meeting the adoptive parents once and exchanging occasional letters on a first name Only basis through an Agency. Others May want a fully open adoption with direct Contact. The majority of our adoptions Are open says Cindi Fronk executive director of the 2-year-old family tree adoption Agency in suburban Clifton Park about 20 Miles North of Albany . We feel it s healthier because there Are no  in most cases openness Means Contact with the birth Mother. But birth fathers and sometimes grandparents Are getting involved More and More Fronk says. Her Agency placed Dylan with the Piseczny s in nearby Halfmoon. Gena 22, whose last name was withheld to protect her privacy chose the Piseczny s after Reading family resumes and interviewing three couples. We had so much in common it was like destiny says Mary Piseczny 32. At first Cena wanted to Stop the stars and stripes Contact after the birth Piseczny says. But an ongoing relationship developed naturally. One Benefit of open adoption Fronk says is that adoptive parents May be Able to share the experience of childbirth. She and her husband supported their son s birth Mother through three Days of labor four years ago but have had no further Contact at the birth Mother s request. But she acknowledges there Are drawbacks to open Contact. One is that adoptive parents May find it stressful to see the birth Mother s pain at their own time of Joy. And parents May tire of sharing their child s milestones. Piseczny says Cena s suffering made her feel a Little  but she says Cena assured her she was Resolute in her decision and pleased with the family she had found for Dylan. She said she could t have gone through with it if she was just handing him Over to an  sharing Dylan s milestones with Cena gives Piseczny special pleasure she says because Cena enjoys the news of a first step or new tooth More than anyone else. Adoptive parents usually fear open adoption at first Silber says. As they learn about it we find most couples want  on the family adolescent conform ties hobbies and nervous tics q. You have described adolescent conformity in the past and we recognize it in Bur teen age daughter. But what about adults in the Western culture Aren t we also vulnerable to group pressure and conformity a one of the great american myths is that we Are a nation of rugged individualists. We really have ourselves fooled at this Point. We like to think of ourselves As Abraham lincolns Patrick henrys and cowboys standing tall and courageous in the face of social rejection. But that image is palpably uncharacteristic of most americans. In truth we Are a nation of social cowards. It seems to me that a major proportion of our Energy is expended in trying to be like everyone else cringing in fear of True individuality. There Are numerous exceptions to this generalization of course but social Independence and Confidence do not appear to be predominant characteristics in the american psyche. I my 15-year-old is a nature Lover through and through. His room is filled with caged snakes Wasp nests plants and insects. Even the garage is occupied by animals he has caught and tamed. I hate All this stuff and want him to get interested in something else. What should i do if he keeps his zoo clean and Well managed then you should let him follow his interests. Just remember that at 15, bugs beat drugs As a Hobby my son has developed a nervous habit he constantly pulls at his ears for no apparent reason. Should i be concerned it s hard to say without More detailed information but your son s habit May be the result of stress. Such Behaviours Are usually the expressions of tension and anxiety. Some of them like Nail biting Are usually not considered problems of Long term significance and most will go away by themselves if left alone. But nervous tics of various kinds such As constant squinting or Jerky motions May be signs of emotional conflicts requiring the attention of a professional Counselor As families disintegrate As alcohol and drug usage proliferate and As addictive Behaviours such As gambling and sexual irregularities become More common it is often the children who suffer most. Even in More healthy Homes stress can result from the hurried harried lifestyle that characterizes so Many modern households today. Or. Jams c. Dubson answers is of Swent of focus on Tho family. Nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the Home. Correspondence to him should to sent to. Focus on the family . Box 444, Colorado Springs. Co 80903. 15