European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 7, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Swimming classes May be Good for Young children but mothers must make sure they Don t go off the deep end when trying to do what s right for their kids. A a not mom motherhood a test by Linda Lewis Griffith Scripps Howard news service of May know a few or even be one for they Are everywhere. They re a Breed of mothers called Quot Macho moms practitioners of a parenting phenomenon a that is characterized by an. Urgency to be the Best. Possible Parent and an irrepressible drive to compete with other mothers Over who is doing the Best Job of raising children. Mothers caught up in this syndrome Are obsessed with raising their children the Quot right Quot Way. They Are inordinately concerned with saying Correct phrases to their youngsters or using perfect discipline techniques. Macho moms constantly compare themselves and their children to other moms and their tots Quot am i feeding my toddler As healthy a lunch As they Are Quot they May ask or Quot is her daughter in a better pre school than mine Quot Macho moms feel compelled to have outstanding pregnancies postpartum periods and breast feeding experiences. They often push themselves to exercise until they deliver their babies then return to the gym in a few weeks to regain their pre pregnancy shapes. Macho moms also feel an unspoken Pride about their childbearing successes and their tots accomplishments. Quot of yes i breast fed Naomi until she was 3,&Quot casually announces one Mother. Quot i swam two Miles the Day before Jody was born Quot boasts another. Quot i had my Little Girt swimming at 6 months claims a third. Macho motherhood is a fairly recent phenomenon. Professional women who have put jobs on hold to stay Home with their children often suffer from a loss of identity. Quot who am i if i m not an office manager or accountant or systems. Analyst Quot they wonder. They then turn their Quot get ahead Quot philosophy into their mothering As if proving to themselves that they re still worthwhile. Working mothers on the other hand a problem develops when mothers feel compelled to maintain an unrealistic Standard for themselves and their families. May feel guilty about spending so much time away from their tots. They May attempt to make up for most time by being Overly Good parents. And any mothers can become competitive in her parenting subtly comparing herself with other mothers to see How she stacks up. Dads appear immune to Macho motherhood. They have traditionally defined themselves in areas other than child rearing such As athletics income or Job status. As a result they Are less anxious and competitive about their parenting. A. The results of Macho motherhood Are. Many. Moms feel stressed anxious and exhausted. And their incessant drive for perfectionism makes them less tolerant and nurturing with their youngsters. Children of Macho moms Are often Over stimulated and burdened with excessive expectations. They May even grow resentful of the demands foisted upon them. No one advocates that mothers do anything less than what they feel is Best for their children. And certainly each Mother should follow her own physical and psychological guidelines in terms of Energy drive and stamina. But a problem develops when mothers feel compelled to maintain an unrealistic Standard for themselves and their families. The wonderful a and chaotic a experience of raising children is turned into a contest no one wins. How can a mom Teil if she is a victim of Macho motherhood she should ask herself the following questions a do i feel guilty about How i m raising my children a do i often compare myself to other mothers a is it important that i prove my Worth As a Mother to others a am i very concerned about raising my children the Quot right Quot Way if the answered is Quot yes to any of these questions the woman May be headed for Macho motherhood. But she need no despair. She should simply remind herself that children Don t need perfect Gold medal mothers. They Don t care about intelligence weight or a education. All they want is someone who is nurturing Calm and dependable who makes them feel Safe and utterly a adored. A Linda Lowis a Rifah is a Mamago and family Counselor.  family a i want to control and Lead my Strong willed child properly but to afraid ill break his spirit arid damage his emotions in some Way. How can i Deal with his Misbehaviour without hurting his self concept a breaking the spirit of a child is different from shaping his will the human spirit relates to the self esteem or the personal Worth that a child feels. As such it is exceedingly fragile at All Ages and must be handled with care. You As a Parent correctly assume that you can damage your child a spirit quite easily. By ridicule disrespect threats to withdraw love and by verbal rejection. Anything that depreciates his self esteem can be costly to his spirit. / a a Quot a i a a. A a. However while the spirit is Brittle and must be treated gently the will is made of steel. It is one of the few intellectual components that arrives full strength at the moment of birth. In an Issue of psychology today this passage. Described the research findings from a study of infancy a a baby knows who he is before he has the language to Tell us a so. He reaches deliberately for control of his environment especially his  this scientific disclosure would bring �?��?�l�?1 i a no new revelation to the parents of a Strong willed infant. They have walked the floor with him in the Small hours listening to the tiny dictator As he made his wants and wishes abundantly Clear. Later As defiant toddler he can become so angry that he is capable of holding his breath until he loses consciousness. Anyone who has Ever witnessed this full measure of wilful Defiance has been shocked by its Power. One Mother wrote me that she found herself in a confrontation with her 3-year-old son Over something she wanted him to eat. He was so enraged by her insistence that he refused to eat or drink anything for two full Days. He became weak and lethargic but steadfastly held his ground. The Mother was worried and guilt Ridden As might be expected. Finally in desperation the father looked the child in the eyes and convinced him that he was going to receive a Well deserved punishment if he diff tit eat his dinner. With that Man Euver the contest was Over. The toddler surrendered. He began to consume everything he could get his hands on and virtually emptied the refrigerator. A now Tell me please Why have so few child development authorities recognized this wilful Defiance Why have they written so Little about it / a Quot a my guess is that the acknowledgement of childish imperfection would not fit neatly with the notion that Little people Are infused with Sunshine and goodness and merely a team Quot the meaning of it amp in. To those who hold that Rosy View i can Only say a take another look Quot or. James c. Dobson is president of focus on the family an organization dedicated to pros Orving the Home. Correspondence should be sent to him at focus on the family . Box 44, Colorado Springs Colo. 80903. A a saturday May 7, 1994 the stars and stripes 17