European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 26, 1948, Darmstadt, Hesse Picnic trials and tribulations by Bill tinker illustrations by the author or a v or Why you d better develop a resistance to the of the open Road the lure of the great out of doors an up and coming Young writer of mystery stories one e. A. Poe of Baltimore Maryland has recently set the literary Bunch to talking with Little morsel of mayhem which he Calls murders in the Rue he set Forth therein the premise that a logical sequence of events is almost certain to terminate unexpectedly and with an often surprising conclusion to which notion i can heartily subscribe. So if you have the time draw up a big Settle Back and i la Tell you what recently happened to me jus because somebody Drew a map. It All began not Many evenings was at Home sprawled in Well fed. Ease in my one piece of authentic Bens Heim biedermeier idly leafing through the Kinsey in my fusty old smoking jacket and my comfy old slippers the leather for which my goo wife had chewed herself i Felt very much the Man of distinction. My Grace Ful Han supporting some seventeen centimetres of Ambrosia from the local class i package store my Blue eyes crinkling merrily in their eyes in time tiring of crinkling in their Corners returned to their natural position and i saw the object of my affections Down on her pretty Knees spreading Pray Are you doing i asked squinting through the Glass darkly. I m spreading your old paper on this floor which i have worn my fingers to the Bone scrubbing because this Isone of Gretchen s six nights a week out and you have invited company for dinner tomorrow night As you always do without consulting me by your Eye lids you should hang so was her terse reply. ". But i was impervious to her jibes. I was deep in pleasant meditation re calling the picture our Gretchen makes As she bends Over a sinful of dirt dishes. Suddenly the peace of the Hearth and Home was shattered by what passes out our Way for a cry of ecstasy. Just what i be been looking of chortled the old Goody. Look big brain they re Selling a Book of picnic trails and would t it be Nice to get away from these four Walls for a Day in the Woods a Day or so later she shoved a slim volume at me and i saw some maps the size of postage Stamps. Hastily snatch ing up my son s burning Glass i Learned that for the Mere expenditure of a pol Book i could Tak e my family for uninteresting and entertaining ride into the country. From Frankfurt to Fulda from Munich to Moosberg wherever the four winds blow the Day of our Heuga from the maddening throngs dawned Bright an Clear not a Cloud in the sky to bring me1 Hope of rain. I knew what was coming and brother i did t like it. That is i thought i , Don t be such an old Cross Patch said the lady of the Manor. The country air you Good. It will give you a new s nothing the matter with by old perspective i growled. I paid6.75 for it at Abercrombie and Fitch in 1929 and by gum it s still in Good shape. No i Ain t master in my own Home in less time than it takes to a join Export import Agency i was in the ,. Driver s seat and we were on our Way Down the beckoning Road. Presently we were beyond the houses beyond the farm son into the unspoiled wilderness with Only a drooling Honey Wagon or .two1 to remind us that Man had been Here before. Our limousine a gracefully designed Willys 43 Model sleek lindas an outhouse ate up mile after mile purring powerfully on at least three of its four cylinders. $&.? suddenly the engine coughed an choked then died. I trod on the starter but nothing have choked on All those Miles 10 it ate up offered the Duchess. Silencing her with a Well placed kick in the Teeth i clambered overboard to investigate. I checked everything All seemed to be in it s the ignition i muttered. Ill just rip off the head in a with my deft mechanical touch i gained during my first Echelon maintenance Days at Camp arrowroot Arkan Sas i shall find the i had the head off and was working on the shoulders when the Signora leaned outland called hey Cannonball what s this Little switch to the left of the steering Post ignition key you charge me Chauncey. I know it s the ignition key. I also know you have to turn it on to Start the motor by Golly she was right. The engine sputtered and roared. I struggled into my Linen duster adjusted my goggles. And we were rounding one of those hair pin turns that had been designed by Fritz Todt with an Eye to the occupation you know banked outwards when my myopic gaze found a figure in the Middle of the Road arms pumping up and Down , let s Stop and give old lady a lift i suggested brushing tear from my Eye. She May be some body s Mother you suiting action to words i brought the car to a smooth effortless Stop leaned out an spoke softly to the helpless old lady she was crowding Twenty four asking in faultless pidgin English if we might , you All she said in Broad South German. It is possible Ober Pfaffe Hofen join a twinkling she had climbed aboard displaying a fetch ing length of . Nylons and settled comfortably in the rear. My what a cute Little boy she went on chucking Junior under the Chin. Who do you look like i from the neck up i look like my Mother snarled the cute Little boy. Now you Tell one of there s not much to Tell. I m Casalotta Schnell the buxom Blue Eye daughter of sturdy Strong shouldered Max Schnell who has lived an honest life in these hard Rock ribbed Hills tilling the soil with crude implements. No party member heavens i murmured. Teu ".", tonic time-style.". On and on we went the Miles reeling by relentlessly. The Sun grew hotter bouncing shimmering Waves of heat off the Road into my was singing the Horst Wessel song while Junior beat time across my shoulders with the Jack m hungry i croaked. Let s Stop and eat.". No we can t Stop yet said Bridget. According to this cute Little Man we must come first to a quaint old Gast Haus that nestles against the bavarian Foothills Over which the sky beams benevolently. There we turn off into the Road that will Lead us to a proper picnic spot of yes there s our land ". Mark now. Let s Stop and make sighing with Relief i turned into a Dusty quadrangle before a sagging mud and Timber edifice. I came to what patently was the main Entrance of this hostelry. There Hung a wooden sign over1 a fat citizen who wore lederhosen and a Mantle of Large Blue flies. The Sig said Gasthoff Zum Schwan Max Bagel prop. Bismarck slept the fat one said nothing. His eyes were closed. 1"coughed. I had just finished setting up an elaborate hot foot when a window opened on the second floor and a Flaxen haired Damsel leaned out she had on of the neatest shiners i be Ever seen and her two Teeth gleamed in the . Hone Bunch i said coyly doffing my hat. You ?""natch. I am Bess the landlord s Black eyed daughter. And that s kindly bumbling old Max Furchtbar the Vil Lage postmaster who sits there All Day dreaming of his Tell me my pretty Cretin i said can you show me the fight Road i can t Tell you in so Many words she dimpled but if you la come up Here i can draw you a i coloured prettily. Playing hard to get i shinned up the rain spout an with Many a downcast Eye and maid enly sigh. Bess Drew me a full scale map on rare old sixth Century foolscap i pressed her moist Little Palm an hastened downstairs and out to the jeep. Well now i be got two maps isaid. We should be Able to eat pretty soon actually you have Duchess was caustic. But the two paper ones look better. Lets get going1 it was when the hands of my Mickey mouse watch stood at 1500 hours that my fair companion grabbed my Arm it is see that old Castle up there. That s our spot slipping my Arm Back into its socket i turned our and Cruiser into Goat track that climbed up and up. We had approached the last Timber Lin and were beginning to see Snow when my wife motioned me to a Stop. Slipping. Off my oxygen mask i noted that this indeed was a spot for a picnic. a Mountain Stream tumbling Musi Calls around Moss covered stones gnarled old Trees Shook their Leafy arms Over us As if in reprimand for our in Vasion of their Sylvan Solitude. In fact there was a sign nailed to one of the which read these premises posted. Keep off signed Sylvan q. Solitude mosquitoes Large As peacocks zoomed Back and Forth in perfect me an Echelon peeled off and dived at me singing the army air corps song in Lusty baritone. When i had recovered consciousness i Dis covered that my wife had spread a newspaper on the greensward and was busily unpacking the lunch Basket thereon. Shouldering my Way rudely through the ants who were thronging about impatiently rattling their mess kits i seized a piece of Chicken from my son. I snarled sinking my Teet ravenously into the tender White meat. When we had eaten our fill and if Ido say so myself no one can fricassee a fill like my wife can we Lay Back engorged Contentment at peace with the world. But As if in keeping with inter National trends peace seemed destined not to last. There came a rustling an crackling from the underbrush and my son yelled daddy. Look a cow. Bossy cow from which we get milk i want some i could do nothing but satisfy the lad s desires. Gingerly with an empty Coke bottle in hand approached the beast barely discern ible1 in the gathering dusk. So Bossy so Bossy i said soothingly. The Lumi Nous eyes regarded me with Bovine moment later there was an Earth shaking Roar of outraged masculinity and i was speeding across the picnic Glade my faithful family cheering Meon. Like Tarzan i sprang High grabbed an overhanging Branch and pulled myself up just in time. As the furious steer passed Between my legs one Horn neatly sheared off one of my Pant legs. The shredded gabardine waved gallantly in the wind As the Bull Cannon balled Over the rim of the Hill gaining momentum with every stride. A week or so later i was in the local general store and there among theother comic books was a volume of picnic with a Roar of outrage masculinity i charged the manager who by this time was speeding Down the aisle. Like Tarzan he. Sprang High and pulled himself up on the perfume counter just in time. One of my horns neatly sheared off a pants leg. The shredded gabardine waved gallantly in the wind As i Cannon balled Over therm of the Hill gaining momentum with every stride. Weekend. June 26, 1948 p
