European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 15, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 16 the stars and stripes May columns when the gnats return to Blue Ridge by Russell Baker new York for some people the Call of Spring is heard in the blood when the Shad Start to run and the first asparagus with texture More tender than Toothbrush bristles appear in the High rent groceries and the first soft Shell crabs Are announced on the menus of expense account but not for 1 can watch the Shad and the High rent Asmara and the expense account soft Shell and feel somewhere the Newborn Lamb frolics in the dandelions and the Dove sings Coo but that is not Spring to nor do the the the sinewy Wisteria make my blood when others say Hooray Hooray the Shad arc the Dove is singing Coo the soft Shell crabs Are in the bullets of the expense account elite and the Wisteria is constricting the House in its deadly i what a Mouthful to say and am thankful none of those things speak to me of for if they did i would surely go around uttering equally silly Bui then but then one Day in May there comes a summons from Fara Way Virginia get Down Here right away Treyve started those Are the words that unleash my incredibly repressed Anglo Saxon instincts and make me seize the nearest swing her High in the air and Treyve started swarming its Spring Spring at last whereupon i Light out ticket split for before putting Down that woman i have just seized even under Springs magic i am hard put to keep a seized woman High in the air for More than half a and in any event experience has taught me that scarcely a woman in a thousand is moved by the swarm ing of the it is the arrival of the gnats that signifies Spring to and to enjoy this event at its you must go to a Valley situated Between the Potomac River and the Blue Ridge Why the gnats come Back to this particular location every May is a mystery understood Only by experts in the Bug ecologists and Stu dents of lot Grade who also know Why the swallows come Back to Capistrano and will Tell you unless you have a gangster Friend who can handle people who want to bore you to new yorkers Are puzzled about the of new York has so few All i can Tell them is that new York has rus hour subway riders and Virginia in May has sure there Are a gnat cannot ram a Brief Case into your even if it it  glower at you afterwards As if to quit hitting my briefcase with those this is because gnats want Only to be close to the gnats sociability is after two Days among i  help but think of expense each count diners putting soft Shell crabs Down their bullets and of How unwillingly crabs made the can you imagine crabs fluttering around your head competing to see which can be swallowed first not is it soft Shell or a crab never makes the least Effort at that Why you need an expense account to enjoy Spring ought to be sociable and have a sociable effect on the earths gnats May or May not under stand but their behaviour sets the Standard of the Way Spring ought to affect us warm Crea Ture Celebration of renewal of old Mother Earth those Are the great Spring gnats have the right of a few Days later the mosquitoes catch then the houseflies that had been out in the Field feeding on the cattle until they saw what the gnats and the mosquitoes were up to with the and from there you can have As far Asim in going to stay in new York until the baby snakes grow enough horse sense to get Over their springtime youll be Able to recognize me on the subway by the bumps All Over my the nose full of gnat two Mosquito lumps on the Back of my and some body briefcase stuck in my c 1985 new York times Syndicate inventive Meese redefines and order by Art Buchwald we ought to take another look at the recent settlement of the Justice departments Case against the brokerage firm of the company pleaded guilty to felony counts of mail and wire fraud which involved kiting checks Worth More than a billion dollars to 400 american Hutton made a Deal with the government and was sentenced to pay a Fine of million which boils Down to for each count and million to the Banks it de when somebody asked the attorney general Why no individuals were de Meese in this Case it was More important to get recompense to victims read Banks than to prosecute the Meese called the settling of the Case a comprehensive and open handed restitution he said the plea bar gaining agreement showed the Justice departments con Cern for victims and its desire to make whole those Banks and other institutions who suffered any the attorney generals decision to let Hutton buy its Way out of trouble for a few million Bucks made us reassess our opinion of Meese As a Tough Lawa Dorder when it comes to crooked de Meese is a toasted Marsh a i called my Man at Justice and asked Why the big turnabout on crime by the Reagan Hutton has suffered he will Justice be served if we Send anyone to jail Over a Little billion Dollar Check writing scam youve sent people up the River for stealing a lot i pointed i know a lady who embezzled from her credit Union and Shes doing seven years in a Federal that was a serious White Collar and if we had let her plea bargain we would be sending a message that we were soft on credit Union the Hutton on the other involved Over a billion and the attorney general decided hed rather collect restitution for the Banks than try to Send a few misguided employees to Why  he have done both i you mean you would want us to Fine one of the leading brokerage houses in America and also put their people be Hind bars what kind of animals do you think we Are nobody wants anyone to go to i assured but what kind of message Are you sending White Collar criminals if people can get away with stealing million and not have to worry about going to the Pokey i suppose youd want us to prevent Hutton from Selling securities As Well Why if it would make other people who Deal with the Public Money think twice about committing one crooked Bond dealer in Florida almost brought Down the entire banking system of i say if you commit a felony you should get out of the invest ment business and go into making License plates where you he even if we wanted to we  prosecute anyone in the Check writing Why not everybody turned states evidence so we  Send them to Why did you agree to that because we would never have had a Case against them if they didst Tell us How they did ill take your word for it that you were As Tough on Hutton As you possibly could but what do i Tell the lady who is doing seven years for stealing from the credit Union Tell her she has to pay her debt to society like almost everybody c 1985 los Angeles times Syndicate aut Bady a venom it Whf a oking today crossword by Eugene Sheffer across 1 balloon i 4 ice Cream Holder 8 the Man in Black 12 fib 13 War god 14 table spread 15 greek Peak 16 blowhard 18 african tribe 20 soak 21 spoken 24 Frozen 28 lunch Container 32 hindu Queen 33 Conger 34 takes the part of 36 Many 37 a biblical people 39 doctors trademark 41 Roundup 43 French verb 44 Large cask 46 follow 515 50 trifle to yesterdays 55 Endeavor 56 Inland sea 57 levantine Ketch 58 mature 59 haunches 60 son of Adam 61 Garden plot Down 1 fluent 2 Verdi opera 3 author Ocasey 4 actors 5 harem room nation 7 son of 60 across 8 English poet 9 10 colleague 11 mortar trough 17 Haze 19 haul 22 ancient jewish month James and 23 soup Charles server solution time 22 Tiara Ling Wpm mom so huh 25 marys pet 26 Dolphin Genus 27 Dong 28 tavern drink 29 Italy 30 fetid 31 Hole in a casting Mold 35shrill scream 38 Gold and Silver 40 author Kesey 42 umpires Call 45 monsters Loch 47 rash attempt 48 Strong impulse 49 ogled 50 Ebenezer remark 51 Onassis 52 breach 53 new Guinea town 54 illumined v2 28 33 37 4t 50 56 59 29 51 30 21 38 44 16 34 42 22 39 45 57 60 23 43 53 20 31 54 17 24 35 46 32 40 55 10 36 26 47 48 11 27 49 515 Hubert Hes a doctor Thane a6ainst i according to hid everyone arrives at hi9 own natural who he Studva 7 Hippopotamus