European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 22, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 14 the stars and stripes August 1985 columns till make you sorry you were born by re Baker August birthday people Pessimist from Here its still All Optimist now if next february Doest get ill bet i pm make it All the Way to my next those people who say youre just As old As you feel arc All sentimentalist poor having a baby in a and All the doctors away on take a miss Piccolo henceforth family members Are not to schedule new baby arrivals for August unless vacationing in philosopher the advantage in having an August birthday is the natural reluctance of All but the most insensitive gift giver to present the celebrant in that steamy month with milk sop As a i loved my August birthday because that Day they let me stand under the Shade tree and cat All the Watermelon i wanted and get the juice All Over my but now that they make me sit at the head of the table wearing the new neckties they always give and make me cat the Watermelon with a knife and id just As soon forget it and go sit with the kids watching the soap if they Only let Yuppie so the Calendar says 71 All Why lie about it the Calendar says and so what August babies age at Only half the rate of say that makes me in real All lets be realistic say in 48 or 49 in real so what nowadays you hear being called so starting today its going to be a Little exercise program jog those newfangled weight not until i Check with the of and Thall take a what with All the saw Bones at the Beach drinking too flirting with each others wives and doing All those other things they warn you where was i its not being 49 years old that makes the mind its this awful August steam communicator concentrate harder next year on not dropping clues that tip the mass audience that i am Over 17 years never use antique words or phrases like newfangled and tight As the bark on a or say milk sop when referring to a avoid boasting about being born in a month named for Augustus cae Sar audience will think in talking about a dreary old timer who invented talk Engineer the defect of August birthdays is that the parties Are commonly held outdoors under Shade Trees where it is inappropriate to wheel in a cake Large enough for a scantily dressed female to jump out with a modest it would be easy to construct a Large Shade tree that can be wheeled in after Necktie a tree with trunk Large enough to contain a lightly Clad female who could leap out after activation of a simple Springan Tratchel mechanism makes the trunk Fly remember to mention this to procure ment people at the who might want to have one built to entertain augus born defense fatalist considering the year i was born the necessity of enduring yet another embarrassing birthday is the less depressing historian a development of profoundly depressing consequence occurred approximately three quarters of the Way into the 20th this was a societal change that abruptly made it even Dur ing the insufferable heat of to drink Gin and in its the wretched people of that to be socially were required to ingest a cheap Pale liquid tasting strongly of Metal and referred to it was an age of heavy handed irony As White after that August which permitted one to drink a bit More than one ceased to be Worth labourer a especially in augusts filthy entitles a working stiff to Short Sheet the c new York times reviewing some facts for the Book by Art Buchwald while Buchwald is on vacation we Are reprinting some of his columns from the the average newspaper Reader May wonder How a Book editor goes about selecting someone to review a newly published novel or work of except for the few books that the Book editor chooses to review the editor usually assigns the Job to a a College b someone who has written a Book on a similar c a reporter Friend who can use now each one of these people can cause trouble for an the College professor usually Doest review the Book assigned to him but May use it As an Opportunity to discuss everything he knows about his review May Start off Murray Slotnick is no Marcel when Proust was a boy Slotnick is Lucky if the professor mentions his Book even once in the while the College professor is always getting Side tracked in his he is usually not malicious about if he ignores the he Only does it because the professor knows the Reader is much More interested in his knowledge of writers of the 20th Century than in Slot Nicks latest 1 he second category of reviewer is the most danger when the Book editor turns Over a newly published work to an author who has written on the same the writer of the Book is let us assume that stump has just written the definitive history of Staten the Book editor assigns the work to who two years ago wrote the definitive history of Staten Carstairs has no intention of letting stumps history replace his and so he lacerated stump in the review for factual Lack of shoddy poor illustrations and outdated Street in fiction the situation is even when an editor asks one fiction writer to review another writers he is signing the letters death there Are very few writers of fiction who Are capable of reviewing an other writers Book without slashing off an the author of starts off his review of Temple bars new novel big toe As follows Temple who showed so much Promise in the fifties with his first postage due has once again disappointed his what nobody knows is that Temple bar reviewed Brubaker last Book in a similar and Brubaker is finally getting his i know from personal experience that Book editors operate this Way because every time Russell Baker comes out with a new i am asked to review and every time i come out with a Baker is asked to review since i have nothing Good to say about and he has nothing Good to say about we have a we each write our own reviews of our own books and sign each others this is the Only reason weve been Able to remain friends for so Many if the author had his Choice of he would probably choose the third category the editors re Porter Friend who needs the extra the who is More interested in the Money than he is in Doest have time to read the Book so he just types up everything printed on the inside Book jacket and hands it in As his publishers know and that is Why most inside Book jackets read like favourable Book what of the blurbs that appear on the Back cover and in the advertisements recommending the Book in glowing terms dear Are written by friends of the author who Haven read the Book but owe the poor Guy a c los Angeles times 60rihave ethical ramifications of marketing a pki6nerpr1jg j Wobu we done a ujtofrk5akch Orthz anti can term in today crossword by Eugene Sheffer across 1 loony 6 leave out 9 Alamos 12 director Kazan 13 Equine sport 14 got a secret 15 Alcott Book 17 Disney movie 18 heed 19 contest form 21 behold 22 award of sorts 24 storm 27 Moungun 28 nuisance 31 French Friend 32 fire 33 Low 34 bit of folklore 36 Decimal base 37 wedding Wear 38 Candle 40 exist 41 phone word 43 group 47 pub brew 48 there was a Nursery rhyme 51 flight 52 famed canal 53 sell 54 single ton 55 moist 56 invites Down 1 Farmers place 2 it and others 3 tantrums 4 squeal 5 ajar 6 May honoree 7 France 8 moderated 9 Tenniss Maureen Connolly 10 finished to yesterdays Puzzle in Pirimi vhf fit Isie a l i loin so of flesh Dpi she Rasas Sefl Heo Ipi Rii  solution time 822 24 11 sensuous 16 sign be fore Virgo 20 siesta 22 23 Blissful place 24 whale school 25 Rosalynne daughter 26 Neil Simon play 27 kiss 29 Plant 30 great weight 36 2001 computer 37 Swiss City 39 pushed the raft 40 Barbara Geddes 41 Aura 42 verve 43 rung 44 Iowa City 45 vat 46 Termini 49 author Levin 50 comic Conway 822 Hubert of have adore of my tools than x starting a card checkout Gogh Only knows Cany find the card borrowed yesterday