European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 05, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 14 the stars and stripes thursday september 5,1985 columns & comments Hafs Are off to the bygone Days b Russell Baker fifty years ago men wore hats but now they Wear Rojs laches. You can confirm it by looking at photo graphs of baseball crowds in the 1930i. See men Are wearing hats. No. Not nil of them and not All men nowadays Wear mustaches either but a lot do. Enough so we can Call this the age of the mus tache just As we could have called the 1930s the age of the hat. So what so this How Many mustaches do you Sec in that 1930s crowd How Many hatted Heads do you Sec when you look out the window today the answer in both cases is none. And yet. Consider that 80,90 years ago at the Dawn of he Century the typical american Man wore not Only a hat but also a Mustache. Are the implications Clear my dear Watson or must i spell them out for you for an entire Century from the Golden age of the hone and buggy to the brats age of the intercontinental ballistic missile the american Man hat been the the of an indecisive struggle for supremacy Between two Powers the hat and the Mustache which at the Century s beginning coexisted in Harmony on that rough masculine terrain. What has been happening Over the last Century to create this tension Between hat and Mustache so similar to the International political tension that has made our Century a time of terror certain facts arc obvious. It is Clear for example thai the hat and the Mustache Are both the kind of objects that psychologists Call adornments of that is both purport to be decorations of the male body although their True purpose is to hide an area that the body is not Loo Happy about the hat hides the top of the head the Mustache bides the territory lying Between the nostrils and the top lip. Why it different times in history have american men wanted to hide just one and expose the other in trying o solve this mystery. at the Gul Bury Institute used the usual research techniques Laboratory rats in hats chimpanzees Given theatrical Paige on mustaches to play around with and so on with ludicrous results. Their conclusion a generation whose father wears a hat Bat no Mustache will always grow a Mustache and refuse to Wear a hat just to make the old Man climb the Wall and vice versa. What about the generation at the turn of the Century which wore both hat and Mustache easy say the Gul Shury researchers the invention of the Telephone made them the first generation that could drive the old Man up the Wall by keeping the phone tied up Day and night they did t have to use the hat and Mustache technique to do the Job. Absurdities of this sort must be expected when you spend your time trying to make a snap brim Fedora stay on a Laboratory rat such alas is the destiny of the Laboratory scientist. Burden him with the additional freudian Malarkey about the male child s need to make the old Man climb the Wall and he becomes so blinded by the Romance of science that be cannot see the dust on a poorly oiled Scalp or the razor Nick on an ill shorn Chin. Yes this the sort of stuff that governs the american male s seemingly quixotic shifts Between hats and Miu aches. If we ask ourselves what those adornments of concealment Are trying to hide at various stages in american history everything becomes dear. What was the hat concealing in its heyday Well that heyday coincided with the Era of gooey hair Oil which produced two unhappy effects 1. When freshly oiled the hair was Apt to give off blinding Glare in full Sun. 2. The goo attracted thick layers of unpleasant matter floating in the air including gnats and birders. The Bat prevented embarrassing Glare and not Only hid trash captured by the hair Oil. Bat also reduced its accumulation. Note that us disappearance of the hat coincides with the introduction of Ngooey new hair oils while the simultaneous Rise of the Mustache occurs at the same time increasing use of drugs and alcohol by Young men has them rising from bed Loo shaky to shave their Kissa ble Region without leaving ghastly scars. What we have b simply a natural human response to changing technology both cosmetic and narcotic. Why did hat and Mustache flourish together at the Start of the Century Well the primitive stale of the hair Oil can be easily imagined if not the terror of a Mankind waiting for the safety razor to be invented. Ice my York Kiwi cleavage triumphs Over Kissinger by Art Buchwald while Buchwald is on vacation we arc reprinting Tome of his columns from the past just when i get my latent male chauvinist pig feelings under control the new fashions come out and i m Back to where i started. The latest trend if i understand it is toward the Panama look with see through fabric placed in areas you re not supposed to see. The backs Are Bare and in Many Cates the midriffs Are exposed. There is even rain suit that zips Down to the Navel. It is a terrible dilemma and one i Don t think the women s lib people Are facing up to. For example not Long ago i went to a dinner party in Washington pre pared to behave As the perfect liberated male. I was going to treat my dinner partners As human beings who had minds of their own and opinions on the subjects of the Day that should be listened to. Unfortunately the person on my right was wearing a Black net Panama top with a neckline that plunged Down to heaven knows where. The Blouse was held up by two tiny straps that looked As if they would break at any moment. The per son on my left was wearing what appeared to be a sheer Scarf wrapped in such a Way that her bosom was pushed up and out Halfway across her soup plate. Now you have to admit it s pretty difficult to discuss the president s tax plan when you re faced with this kind of situation. My heart said these women have brains. Find out what they re but my eyes kept wandering Down to areas other than their Heads. I wanted to discuss the Geneva arms talks and the Trade deficit with the person on my right but All 1 kept thinking was 1 wonder what would happen if one of those Liny straps broke while she was reaching for a piece of roast Lamb from the tray i then turned to the person on my left to or such evil thoughts out of my head. 1 was going to ask her what she thought about the situation in Nicaragua but i noticed that the Scarf she was wearing had shifted and there was even More cleavage showing than when she had Sal Down. I was so ashamed of myself because i forgot All about Nicaragua which i m sure she would have been delighted to talk to me about. I turned Back to the person with the two Ruy bitty straps. She had her Back to me which was Bare All the Way Down to her lower spine. It just did t teem to be the right time to talk about food Stamps. How i pondered can f Bow if desc people that f am interested a their minds when 1 have to Little to work with i would have Given anything to have Gloria Steinem at my table to Tell me what to do. As i looked around the room i noticed that All the men seemed to be having the same trouble. We were trying to make up for years of injustice and ignorance in our male attitudes toward the opposite sex and they were doing everything to thwart us. Goo knows we Veall been sinners and most men Are trying to change their attitudes toward women. But when you have nothing but Bare Back and cleavage to stare at during dinner How on Earth can any Man keep his mind on Henry Kissinger o lot aft tit them Tow blight. Smaage. Too Bantam rnai Stoa Mart pbhkj1 Uff b it today s crossword by Eugun Beffer across 42 Onei dog s Dot Stooge 4 spill the 44 plot Beans 8 altar words 12 period is part 48 heaven to "attack"51 assist 82 Orchid locale Gnu take 56 Nick s mrs. 6 card game 15 Lowers the 57 fencing fair. 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