European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 25, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 Colum the stars and stripes wednesday september 25, 1985 rus Mobile keeps rolling along by Russel. Baker new York there Here my Iii heavy col Iona moments at our House this week after i said it looked As if we d final have to junk the Rusl Mobil. I did t use the word junk of course. What i said was we might hate to put lire rust Mobil to hut it Only got 132,000 Miles on said daughter who h id single hand edly put on at least 70,000 of those Miles plus the big Dent thai made it impossible to open the door by the Driver s scat for three years until nor Man s body shop hammered it out in 1979. Thai was the year Norman sprayed a fresh coat of Blue paint Over the exterior rust. The car was Beautiful again for two months. Then the old rust thai had been sulking underneath started frying to break through into the open and had considerable Success so that the Beautiful Blue paint began erupting in big pimples As it were until the rus Mobile looked like a car with a severe Case of Blue Chicken pox. The Rusl Mobil has been Good to All of us said Large brother who for years had badgered me to Trade Itin for a new Mercedes Ben so he would t be embarrassed about having to drive his friends around in a1969 Detroit four door Sedan thai Gol Only seven Miles to the gallon. 1 knew what he was thinking. He was remembering the time he d Lenl it to his Friend Phil who was t see again for several months though we found the car a week later and could Tell it had been in a High Speed rear end collision. Experts later surmised that Phil had backed it into a fir plug at 55 Miles per hour. After that the trunk never closed right again but it did t matter because widening rust holes in the trunk lid already let in so much rain that the spare tire was covered with algae. Yes i told Large brother if it had been a Brand new Mercedes that you Lent Phi so he could drive around backward at High Speed i might have behaved rashly. Having the rus Mobile made it possible for me to continue being a kind and civilized he is a Good boy though maybe too Nice to his friends and he has never thrown a Tantrum when i asked to use the rus Mobile. In fact he has put Only 40,000 Miles on it. Also he once paid for an Oil change and has bought 55 Worth of Gas for in several times. Now of course he is getting Long in the tooth. Therein Gray in his Beard just As there is Gray at daughter s temples. 1 used to think that when they got Middle aged and tired they might lose their for the rus Mobile and they have slightly. Last time the car needed a new Windshield they let me drive in to Norman s body shop and pay for it. That was the third Windshield that cracked. For some reason the Windshield never rusts it just cracks. When the third one cracked both daughter and Large Broth or said it was time to do something about the situation so Why did t i drive the car to Norman s and buy a crack proof Windshield for a change in was the discouraging crack in our latest Windshield Windshield number five that made me think it was Lime to Grant the rus Mobile death with dignity. Also the Frame around the Back window is rusted Clear through allowing rain and bees free entry to the Back scat. Also inc right front door now opens with a loud noise sounding like a Light artillery shot which brings the neighbors Rushing out to see if the National guard is holding War games. Also at 40 Miles an hour he rus Mobile has Slart shuddering like a tight plane in heavy turbulence and throwing rust All Over the Highway. What s More the electrical system has come Down with electro sclerosis so that the windows they arc Power windows can no longer be opened. Daughter said $5,000 was All it would take to put the rus Mobile Back into tip top shape. When i asked if she had 55,000 she phoned Little Broth or who wanted to speak to me about injustice. While daughter had put 70,000 Miles on the car and Large brother had put on 40,000, he Little brother had been allowed to Orive in Only 20,000 Miles he Aid. What right did i have to junk it until he had his fair share it was a hard question an emotionally draining ques Tion for a Parent to Cope with. I m taking the car Back to Norman s tomorrow. It s cheaper than buying a new Mercedes which they d probably never let me use even now and then. C new York times some people always come in last by Art Buchwald while Buchwald is on vacation we Are reprinting some of his columns from the past As if there in t enough trouble in the world a British doctor by the name of Trevor Weston discovered not Long ago that people Are suffering from an alphabet he claims people whose last names begin with the final eight letters of the alphabet s through 2, have three times at Many heart attacks As those whose names begin with the letters a to r. Or. Weston Sayi he believes the reason for it is that the people at the Bottom of the alphabet Are always at the Bottom of the list always waiting for their names to be called. Since they first face this in school the s to children arc filled with anxieties hat carry through to their adult years. I was very sceptical of or. Weston s theory so decided to see if there was any basis for it. I went into a bar and asked a Man sitting on a Stool what his name was. He looked frightened. Why me Don t be frightened sir. I m just taking a Survey for my Stevens he said. George May i buy you a drink or. Stevens i m Only drinking milk. I have a bad ulcer. It Skilling that s very interesting. How did you go it Arkin and Blauvelt gave it to me. They re in my advertising Agency and they re out to get me Why do you think they re out to get you they got Thomas. Ungrum Young and Vogl. I Mihe Only one left except for Zimbalist where s limb Alcil i asked. He had a heart attack his third this year. God knows i la probably have one myself he started biting his nails. I did t mean to shake you up so i said. It s not you. I m trying to get the courage to go Home. You see i was up for a promotion today and i thought i make vice president. Carstairs made it Douglas made it is Lin made it Jacoby made it. King made it Logan made it Robertson made it and that was it. They said there we Reno More up positions that s a shame.11 said. I guess i can t complain. Tail Upjohn Crick Washington Xavier Yale and Ziegenthaler were let were they Given any reason Allenby the president said they could t stand the pressure. They were always blowing up in front of the clients. thought everyone was out to gel him and they were. Say by the Way what kind of Survey arc you taking he asked. I m trying to find out if the people whose last names begin with the letters s to z arc More insecure that those whose names Start with a to Why that s ridiculous Stevens said As he swallowed three tranquil Lizars. What will they think of next c los ans Lei rime Kkt Talf. Anti wenan. Nita a i Oft today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across1 fireplace projection 4 mad wet Hen 7 unusual8 trades 10 new11 claws 13 Mersey opus18 sword ?17 Alaska 18 soft leather19 solitary 20 yield21 satiates 23 reason28 former Sec. 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