European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 13, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns Way out West psychiatrists going to the dogs by John Windrow staff columnist i have an old pal named Fred who is a mental health worker in Kansas City. The last time i saw him he told me about one of his clients who thought he was the Queen of England. The poor deranged soul was forever calling up the cops in the dead of the Missouri night. The conversations went like this ring Ringl police  this is  Elizabeth who. Elizabeth ii House of Windsor you fool. Get out Here Quick. My jewels Are  then the cops would get steamed and Call up Fred to complain about his Lunatic associates. The crazed and crazes came to mind recently when i read a dispatch filed by the associated press from where else los Angeles. It seems that the latest craze out on the Golden coast is psychoanalysis for pets. That s right people Are paying Between $45 and $100 an hour according to the a to have Rover plop Down on a Couch so some shrink can delve into the Depths of his psyche. The article quotes a pet psychiatrist named Sandy Miller of a canine mental health outfit called the tender  i would have preferred fraud for do but As usual no one consulted me the a discussed the various methods of animal Skull scrambling which seem rather primitive. The Field is still in its infancy. Then there was this but the Counselor agreed that in most cases people need therapy More than their pets do. We actually Psychoanal be the owners More than anything else is. Miller  just As i suspected. Who s really crazy Here the dogs or the people who Are paying real american dollars to have psychiatrists talk to dogs it must make for some interesting conversation. Tell me or. Windrow How Long has your dog had these delusions of grandeur about a month now. He thinks he s president Reagan s dog.  How do you know he thinks he s Rex he told me so just last week when i was trying to get him to put on he suit so we could go out dancing  what about that other dog you have there this one s crazy As hell too. He s not even a dog. He s a parakeet. He just thinks he s a dog he sure is  that s another thing. The Dern fool won t eat his Birdseed no matter How i beg him  i be had vast experience with animals and i had some i thought were crazy. When i was a kid i had a Buckskin horse named Frisky who thought he was a dog. He followed me everywhere right through the Back door into the Kitchen if i d let him but he never let me ride him once. It could get pretty scary when Frisky saw you from about a Quarter mile away and came running up As fast As he could go until he threw on the brakes and stopped with his head hanging Over your shoulder. Maybe i should have had him committed. And i had a Coon dog named Abraham who barked at his fleas instead of scratching them but i think he was just Lazy not crazy. The a filed another unusual dispatch recently about a lapped faced vulture named Rosa. Rosa lives in a zoo in Tel Aviv where animal experts Are trying to get her to reproduce. Evidently one of the Many scourges of the 20th Century is a dwindling Supply of lapped faced vultures but Rosa won t cooperate the a said because she thinks a 53-year-old zookeeper named Yaacov Segal is her mate. So they re going to try artificial insemination. I be got to have a Long talk with Fred the next time i see him. I m getting to where i Don t know who s crazy and who s not. Some people should expect to be snubbed by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners at a recent informal dinner a female acquaintance approached me while i was talking to a male and without even saying hello blurted out Are you expecting i was mortified. I said no but nothing  immediately responded it must be your dress which admittedly was Cut loosely. My manners n0 married and i am not carrying around excess weight. I was Cool to the woman during the rest of the meal but continued socially smiling As though nothing had happened. Am i wrong in thinking her question an extremely rude Way to approach any person especially one she knew was not married in t is Jonh to apr try because there is so much Rueno longer realize it when they be " " manners would be the first to beg you not to be offended when the general ignorance of manners and absence of agreement on Standard forms results in Well intentioned actions that do not happen to fit your philosophy. In other words Don t vilify some poor soul who has opened a door for you when you think he should to or has failed to do so when you think he should. But do you truly believe that you May be wrong in taking offence at someone who asks you to declare the contents of your womb much less at that person s feeling free to speculate publicly that you Are an unannounced unwed Mother and by the Way even noting aloud that you were overweight would have been a Clear insult. Yes miss manners would have handled this in some other fashion than smiling at her insulted As though nothing had happened. You better believe it. Etiquette forbids insulting others even if they have insulted one first but it also requires that one defend one s own Honor. That Means registering that one knows when one has been insulted and refuses to tolerate it. The All purpose answer to insulting questions or remarks is How dare you miss manners regrets that this Handy phrase has fallen into disuse but perhaps that makes it All the More serviceable because it has a startling ring to it reminiscent of an Era when everyone knew the boundaries of decency and expected to be taken to task for overstepping them. Or perhaps miss manners might have been Quick witted enough to reply Well i certainly was t expecting to be asked such a  dear miss manners we will be using Romul Cardi or our Mai i bar Mhz vah. These include 1 the invitation to the services at the Temple 2 the reception card and 3 the response card. Normally the fourth part of the above set would be Matching thank you notes. However our son being a computer Whiz would like to create his own thank yous on the computer. Each one would have an individualized message and would be folded like a greeting card with graphics on the front. Gentle Reader your son is about to become a Man. This is an excellent occasion for seeing to it that he also becomes a gentleman. Gentlemen write their social letters with their own Sweet hands. They do not show off their wizardry in order to invent supposedly new social forms that violate the established ones. They do not Send greeting cards of any kind but actual letters in which they express appreciation for the thoughtfulness of. Others. If they wish to make their friends presents of their artistic achievements they May do so but that does not excuse them from writing letters. Which reminds miss manners your set is not quite right. One and two Are Fine. Three is at Best a Compromise with the dreadful state of modern manners an attempt to nudge people who Are assumed not to know that they must answer their invitations. Can t you do your guests the Courtesy of assuming that they Are already ladies and gentlemen and skip that and just put  or the favor of a reply is requested on the reception card four is outright wrong. Thank you letters Are written on paper. It is just As ghastly for a gentleman to have the words thank you printed on paper rather than writing them out in that dear hand of his As it is to spew the message out from the computer. As a matter of fact it is worse. Your son was at least suggesting that he Compromise his letters even if he did not understand that he also had to copy them out. Feeling incorrect address any etiquette questions to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211, . Forces. Fenbury 13,1916 Tripet Magazine