European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 17, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns a few remembrances you can sink your Teeth into by John Windrow stiff Chi Multi i had a pal once whose Uncle claimed to hive pitched a game for the cardinals Back in the 40. I met the Man one Rainy dreary Day in Southeast Missouri Uncle lefty my buddy called him. Uncle lefty was leathery and raw boned with plenty of muscle still on him. He looked like he could Knock insulators off phone poles with a baseball. But he did t have a tooth in his head i mentioned that later when we were sitting in the Idle hour tavern Over a Bud listening to the Ivory balls Click on the Pool tables of that my buddy said sprinkling Salt in his Beer and looking the waitress up and Down. There s a Story behind that Uncle lefty drinks pretty Good. He had to go to the dentist once for an abscessed tooth. He d rather eat fire than go see a. Dentist. So he got drunk before he went to Deaden the dread. He took a bottle along. The dentist was a booze hound Loo a drinking buddy. They drank the bottle together and the dentist pulled All his Teeth. Uncle lefty said it was the wont hangover he Ever had and he has had some spine crushers believe Teeth Are weird. I went to a journalists convention in Nashville this Spring. You could Tell the newspaper people from the to people by their Teeth. The print Hacks had the Odd crooked Eye tooth the cigarette stained from Teeth the Gold crowned molar or the chipped canine tooth. The to people had rows and Row of gleaming capped Teeth. They smiled like piano keyboards. I carried a Wisdom tools around in my pocket Lor Good Luck until my dentist told me not to they re Nasty he twid you can t imagine How Many germs you re exposing yourself to with that but i have a head full of pm i said. They Don t Hurt you any when they re in your Mouth he said. How can thai bet imagine a pretty girl with no Teeth. Can t visualise it Rig Hlf but put a tooth in your hand and give it a look Leech. And biting what a Nasty wound. Dog bite shark bite Snake bite rat bile Arigh. Wonder if mosquitoes have Teeth what about the tooth fairy who the Devil Ever dreamed that tip my Little sister used to have me yank her baby Teeth out before they were Ripe just so she could soak the tooth fairy for quarters. Ii made me Strong in the fingers. But Teeth can be funny. Other people s false Teeth for example. Uncle lefty should have gone out and gotten himself some artificial chomp Era. I had a Cousin on my old Man s Side named snapper who ruined his Teeth with Bourbon and Coke. He got false ones. He had a fishing buddy also toothless who was real bad about taking his false Teeth out and leaving them around to clutter up the place on the Kitchen table on the dashboard on the window Sill on bars on Juke Bones or on lop of Fence posts. Clyde was his name. Snapper and Clyde went out to Jerk a Perch one dazzling autumn afternoon Clyde look his choppers out and Laid them on the boat seat. Snapper took his Teeth out and switched them with clydes he put Clyde s Teeth in his shirt pocket. After a while Clyde picked up snapper s Teeth and stuck them in his Mouth. Snapper was overcome with mirth until Clyde yanked the Teeth out gave them an evil look and said these Damn things never have tit right and tossed them Over the Side. Snapper Sal there awhile and thought about the 400 Bucks he d paid for the Teeth. Then he look Clyde s Teeth out of his shirt pocket and said Well these Don t either and sent them Devn to where the mud turtles sleep Long and Sweet in the wintertime. When i worked on a paper in Missouri one of the editors who was Long in the tooth told me a Story about a couple who were bitterly divided Over the 1956 presidential election. He was Republican the wife was a Democrat. When he could t convert her the husband hid her dentures on election Day so she would t go to the polls and vote for Adlai Stevenson. I Don t guess it mattered too much in a landslide but it was a foul thing to do. I Vegol another Cousin a particularly Squirrell one. When he was 14 he found his Mother s false Teeth sitting in a Glass in the bathroom. He decided to fan the flame of hilarity by putting them in his Mouth and sitting Down at the dinner table for supper. After his father said Grace my Cousin grinned a great big Grin to show everybody his extra Teeth. No one noticed. So he shouted Hil the false Teeth flapped out like a ruptured Duck and landed in a Large bowl of mashed potatoes then they slowly Sank from sight. The old Man did t say nothing my Cousin told me. He just yanked his Belt As for Uncle lefty i found out he really did Pilch a game for the cards. They brought him up from the minors in the 40s. He came on in the ninth with the bases loaded. He hurled a strike and the Umpire called it a Ball. Lefty blew up and threw one at the Umpire. It banged into the Backstop and the winning run scored the next Day the headlines said lefty Nickels the million Dollar Arm and the 10-cent saying no to a matchmaker without hurting feelings by miss manners would you be a dear and break it to her in whatever Way you think would be least offensive United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i am a Tingle Middle aged mate who recently moved to a new Day where Tome dote relative reside. A Friend of one of them to the presence of the relative provided me with the Suim and Telephone number of an unattached woman whom i Wai strongly urged to Call. For some Yean i have Stead Faflik avoided such introduction. The ensuing meeting Are invariably tense often culminating in an exorcised or implied and hurtful rejection by one parly or the other. In thai Case the go Between knew i was unattached 101 could not plead the existence of an ongoing relationship elsewhere. I accepted the name and number promising to Call but intending not to anticipating that the go Between would ultimately accept my inaction As a Demurray. However the go Between persisted and my relative is somewhat chagrined. What should i have Laid to the go Between what can i Lay to my relative to restore her Confidence in my etiquette gentle Reader what you say to your relative is really i know your Friend Means Well so i did t have the heart to Lell her that i m not interested. Perhaps you d better not mention it to this is lets firm a refusal than miss manners generally advises for things one does not want. But before the invention of singles and thus of a singles problem it was just such attempts More or less subtly made that rendered unnecessary the impersonal tactic of personal advertising. Miss manners is not asking you to accept such an offer you understand Only not to think scornfully of someone whose motive is to make at least one and probably two people Happy. Deax miss manners i cawed an Accident at a wedding reception my husband and i attended and desperately need to know How to Salvage what Little relationship therein i introduced myself to the Bride whom i had met once and a lived her Well. Later when we were getting ready to leave i bumped into the Groom who had a drink in my hand and wat Arm in Arm with the Bride. Hli tie got waked and the drink splattered onto her sleeve. I feh this happen but i did t turn around and apologize. My husband and another guest said the Bride was furious that her look could the Groom was not angry. They immediately went upstairs. I was so upset t wanted to crawl under a Rock. I finally got up the courage to 30 upstairs but when i saw her i could t say anything. We got our Coats and left without a Yang goodbye. I Haven t slept very much. Every time i think about it i feel Rick. I feel i should tend a note of apology arid some Money but i Don t know what to Tay. Would Money be an insult gentle Reader not Only is Money an insult but Money combined with your failure to apologize would show that you consider that the Bride deserves no Courtesy but can be bought off instead. Now do you feel even worse Good it is not miss manners policy to allow people to think that guilt should by cured by removing its symptoms rather than treating the cause. Nor does miss manners care for the whiff of a hint that the Bride overreacted. If you had immediately apologized and she had not been mollified. Miss manners would have agreed that anybody who can t allow for a perfectly understandable Accident i going to make much of a marital partner but it is All too possible that the bridal anger was a result of your rudeness nol your clumsiness. You missed the proper time for an apology and then you missed a second Chance. So now you must Grovel and offer elaborate reparations. Write her an emotional Tetter saying How terrible you feel nol Only about the Accident but about your subsequent behaviour. Explain that As Best you can paralytic shyness or whatever. Then ask her if you May have the privilege of cleaning her Beautiful wedding dress. That Means picking it up taking it someplace where they have careful treatment for wedding dresses and bringing it Back. You May notice thai this will indeed Cost. Money but the Money part of the offer becomes incidental then to your offer of Lime and care. Don t worry. She probably won t Trust you with it anyway. Or 17, 98s if Jwj Mig int
