European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 14, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns horse tale about one who never made it Home by Paul Bourgeois stiff writer one of the reasons t m glad i live in Europe is  i m too far Avay from Home for Cousin Claude and Uncle Mullet to Pesler me about going to the horse races Wilh them. If i was stateside they d Corral me into going to the Trock every Day. It not thai i Clon l like horses out i also have other interests worthwhile pursuits Tike hanging out in seedy taverns and playing pinball machines. Trouble is Guys like Mullet and Claude have blinders on when in comes to horses. Mullet s real name by the Way is Ernest but nobody except his mama Ever called him that and she s been dead a Long Lime. Claude s real name is Claude so we never saw any need to Call him anything else Claude and Mullet retired a few years Back Anil pretty much spend their waking hours at Chi rack. They love the Aroma of the stables. The Click Click Click of the parimutuel Board causes their eyes to Mist Over. They smoke cheap cigars drink even cheaper Bourbon and Between the fourth and the fifth race they Eal corned beef sandwiches with extra fat and lots at Mustard. Later they Mel heir Racetrack cronies lie about their selections and How much they won and Tell Racetrack stories which Are also mostly lies. One Story involves Claude whose wife a a left him because he gave the ponies More attention than he gave her. She s got herself a bad Case of Pony envy Claude told his friends. Mullet claim she was gone nearly three weeks before Claude knew it. Anyway one morning while prowling around the stables looking fora Trainer who owed him Money it Giurle overheard a couple of jockeys talking about a boat ," which in local rack parlance meant the race was  Claude s Friend the Trainer denied any fix was in the works but Claude had enough horse sense to know a lie when he heard one. He d been in on fixes before and made a Tol of Money. He d also lost a lol of Money. But this one. Said Claude fell  Claude was an instinct horse player. So he called in All of his poker Lous borrowed several thousand dollars look out a second mortgage on his House and sold his car and his wife s tar he figured she would t mis in since she was gone anyway and he reasoned that Filer he d made his Fortune he d lure her Back Wilh the Promise of a new car Wilh Power windows. Claude arrived at the track Early wearing his fancy Racetrack duds while pants with big pleats two toned White Artel Ian wingtip shoes Straw Fedora and the yellow and Green Checke red sports jacket with the six Inch lapels one of which was adorned with the american legion pin he d won in a bet on the 54 Derby. He d already converted his Money to Crisp j100 Bills 121 of them. The Early Odds had the horse slap Happy was the name coming off at so Tol Mullet who had $ 1,000 Riding on slap Happy said Claude was so excited he made seven visits to the men s room Between the third and the fourth race. Claude figured that even if the Odds fell to 30 to i he d take Home More than $350,000. He placed his bet at the last possible moment before the window closed for fear a targe amount placed on slap Happy would lower the Odds. Ii was perfect. Everything went according to plan. Slap Happy was going off at 40 to i and Claude had j 12,400 Riding on him. The payoff would be $500,000. At the first blast of the Horn announcing the race Claude ran fora drink and another trip to the men s room. He returned just As the horses were being led into the starting Gate. And they Ryree off slap Happy broke late from the Gate. I was ninth in a 10-Hnrse Field but soon was Well Inlo the pack. They re just making it look Good Claude told Mullet without removing his eyes from the binoculars. A Mun  Happy c Mon ship Happy c inn you son of await he s making his Movel sure enough. Just As they were coming into the stretch the other jockeys Rose up to rein in their mounts almost in unison. They looked just like them rocket Les in new York Mullet said the pack opened up lit Moses parting the red sea and there he a slap Happy in a full Gallop nostrils flaring Tail flicking and hooves flashing. Mullet remembers Claude yanking him Forward to the rail near the finish line All the while screaming a Mon slap Happy and twisting i Straw hat. He s Gonna do it he s Gonna do ill it s slap Happy Fay six lengths said the announcer it s slap Happy by eight lengths. La s slap Happy by nine  he s Gonna do i yelled Claude. He s Gonna Doit then it happened. A moan and then a Roar Rose up from the crowd. Slap Happy had collapsed he was 10 feel from the finish line. In a blink Claude was Over the rail his White and Tan two tone wingtips kicking Din Back onto Mullet. Slap Happy was on his Side. The jockey was pinned under him. The horse s spindly legs were flailing. Claude grabbed soap Happy around the neck and started dragging him toward the finish line All the while Yelling hysterically in Mullet help Dimmit help his screams were deafened As the pack thundered past. That s when Claude slapped slap Happy in the face As hard As he could. He slapped him again and then again and again. Get up. Slap Happy gel up get up you miserable son of a. Get up slowly the hysteria turned to anger and Ihen Back to hysteria and finally desperation and tears. It was t Long before the Security guards led Claude away. Mullet had o borrow the Money to bail Claude out of jail. They later Learned that slap Happy  suffered a heart attack and was destroyed. Claude would never be the same either third time around Calls for no big doings by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners when my husband and i were Tut tried the Flat time in Wai by a Justice of the peace with a big informal reception at a nearby club with a band and a Buffet. This was Fine with everyone except my grandmother dear grandma was not settled in her mind believing that we were living in tin if rot married by a priest so a year later a were once again married along with my father and Mother. Grandma had been pressuring dad w year to do this i wore the Fame Drew Ai the first time a regular Drew off White with ruffle and lace. Ii was a Verv ilm ple three minute a Leiting Olathe marriage and afterwards the four of us invited dote family and Fri cedi about is to 20 people to a party at my Parent Home. Here is where i need your help about a year ago my husband and i split up for a Lew months during which he lived and everything else with another woman and her children. It was a truly difficult time hut love did indeed conquer All and we worked Oul our differences and Learned to love each other in other ways too. I manner i truly want another religious wedding. I know cod put us together and brought i Back together. Since the original vows were broken i feel strongly we must do it again i always wanted to Wear a wedding gown and Pau in on to my daughter some Day. If i do have another ceremony i plan to Wear a Plain simple off White gown now i can afford it and have the priest come to our new House. As for guests i intend to have my parents and siblings and my husband s parents. Am i asking Loo much should i just ice the priest at his residence and have no witnesses or forget the whole ideas gentle Reader you have Here an interesting mixture of religious and secular desires. Please understand hat invoking god s Blessing and indulging your desire to Wear an expensive dress that you envision As an heirloom Are two different impulses. Ii is True thai Many brides manage successfully to Combine them actually it always turns out later thai the daughter Hales the dress because styles at the time of her wedding Are entirely different but As it takes the Bride a generation la find that out in does t spoil the wedding but you have had wedding festivities twice now for the same marriage and that is enough. Perhaps your immediate family will stand still for another round but miss manners doubts even that. What if you have another fight with your husband after which you can afford a still grander dress dear miss manners my relative read a self help Book thai he really liked and did i should read. I gave her no indication previously that i was interested in such a Book and i am insulted thai she in Ink i should read it i recent her trying to fix me. Haw do i refuse this Book and the mothering it regret Enlil gentle Reader it is rude to refuse a present unless you Are positive that in was intended As an insult. A Peculiar subdivision of this category is the Diamond Bracelet from a gentleman one hardly knows that is an insult one refuses very sweetly. Unfortunately that is not your problem although you Are offended by this ill chosen offering the fact hat your relative herself used the Book indicates that in was not offered As an affront. Miss manners does nol realize Why More people Are not aware that presents and advice May easily be accepted without Ever being used. Every lol knows instinctively that the Way to accepted unwanted mothering is to say certainly Mother and then do nothing about in. Should your relative make the further mistake of asking if you have read the Book or changed your life in Accord Wilh its dictates the polite reply is nol yet but i m looking Forward to  have an etiquette questions address queries to mint manner in care of the Stan and stripes Apo 09111, . Forces. August 14, 1906