European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 20, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns sure would be Nice to find a Barbershop by John Windrow t am preoccupied these Days with brushing my hair out of my eyes. Like the time Between paychecks it s too Long. There s a reason for ills i live in Europe where Here Are no barbershops. This poses a great cultural adjustment for me. I grew up in Dixie where every town no matter How backward had a service station a hardware store a Pool Hall and a Barbershop. Barbershops Wen marvelous affairs where men got together to talk about Hunting dogs football games fast horses fast cars and fast women. They were real places to sneak a drink place a bet and upon occasion get a shave or a haircut. When Faulkner wrote a Short Story about a Lynching he often had it begin in a Barbershop. What i m trying to say is barbershops were a location for male pursuits. And if you wanted to get your hair Cut you did t have to Wail until the cows came Home to sit in the chair. In Europe women and men Are supposed to get their ton4ori.il needs ministered to in the same place of business. Ii does t work. Here in deutschland we have the famed Damen Herren Haa Schnitt Emporium. A business thai is supposed to Cut men s hair and turn Ordinary everyday females into sex goddesses. They re trying in my opinion to do too Many things Al once. I went out to get a haircut last week. 1 did wants shampoo. I did t want a style or a wave or a change of color t did t want someone named or. Andri to nuke me took 1s years younger or to transform me into some creature who would Stop traffic when 1 walked across intersections. I just wanted the length of the collective hairs on my Skull to be red need. It s True that i could have gone in base and gotten a haircut at a military Barbershop. I see Cis Waif Long the streets every Day with very presentable haircuts. But i did my time in the draft Days and the Barbers were All trained by sitting Bull. They did t seat you m the chair they lashes you into the chair. I know thing have changed but i stir have these nightmares and i dare not stir up the old memories. So i take my chances downtown. When you walk into the european hair palaces one Ihling hits you in the face immediately. Right inside the door is a room big enough to play football in. This cavernous area has bubbling fountains hot and cold running maids steaming mud Baths dazzling lamps plumes of coloured smoke Roor to ceiling mirrors and no less than 16 hairdressers with master s degrees on hand at All times. That room is for the ladles. Off to the right behind the coat rack is a space the size of a janitor s closet with one chair one Mirror and a 1 a year old apprentice who is serving her obligatory time in Purgatory until she graduates to the big room. That room is for the men. If there Are a dozen men waiting or haircuts they will wait in the minuscule room until the pimply faced apprentice is damned Good and ready to mess with them. Meanwhile Over in the big room the ladies Are Laid out like zombies each in her own chair that looks As if it were designed for the Guy who flies the space shuttle. There will be at least two people beside her one working on her hair and the other on her Toet. They a do everything to her hair except Temh a sweater out of it. Tiwe a Long curtain Between the two room but on the occasions that it has mysteriously parted i be noticed that the women have their head tying in porcelain bowls not unlike the ones dentists have you spit in after they be yanked your Teeth. I Don t understand the significance of this. There Are magazines to read White one Walls. Not the detective stories rewards Treamor a Soutne mat we found in barbershops. They Are fashion magazines that he women Don t want to read anymore. There s lots of pm since fashion rages have a life Span of about 10 Days. So you sit and you Waitas if that weren t enough to Bear Here in Europe there s always some Fop who wants his shampooed and styled instead of merely Cut. This takes time. I go in and sit Down and get up and walk out Many a Day. I plan to make a trip to Tennessee this Winter i am going to spend at least one full morning in the Barbershop. There will be tobacco juice stains Alt around the wastebasket. The Shoeshine Man will be asleep in his chair. There will be plenty of crumpled detective and sports magazines. Al least three idlers will be on hand to Wax eloquent on How Lousy last year s crops w"6 i f16 veal crops May be better How Long it is until fishing season and How no one can get a decent Squirrel dog even if the Barber has a breath Tike troll lne bail and alcohol palsied hands i won t have to wait. I May go twice. Meanwhile my hair grows like crabgrass on a mud Bank. We a a vat Tun. Tot expected to throw their arms around you and How wonderful White inwardly trying to Deal gracefully with the Tail a comply that went against their wishes. If you Hope to squelch heir objections by forcing them Inlo swallowing them for the Sake of not making a social scene you Are taking a terrible risk. They might not be Able to manage it and even if they do they will have a second grievance to match the submerged one. The Way to do it is to set up private meetings with the two families separately and break the news to them by saying How sorry you were to disappoint them but How much you believe they will understand your impatience and make the Best of ii. In each Case the new in Law should make a special plea to be welcomed into the family. Then when everyone is reconciled you should have the party. Miss manners promises you it will be a lot jollies. Dear miss manners what do you think of a dinner Hotten of Odelon thin who after Ter inf the main course pane wound cute Drue diet buttons that read he who indulge bulge and taste nukes Waist a the Only fat person at the table i feh terribly humiliated and in con com. Why Mist Manown do people who would t dream of saying Tome Diing unkind to a Blind Penon or to Neom in a wheelchair fed free to i nth to tit or Rug their Friend who ire by Dolce or Chance overed Ghitl a it happen 1 tort Mot of my thyroid to cancer Bat 1 Iho Hunt have to announce the in order to gel a Little Courtesy and Relief from end Leti comments about weight met Etc. Etc. Cent header Mist manners is sorry to have to Tea you that people insult tease nag and is difficult to overstate the amount of niceness rampant in the Modem world. But it is a new one even to miss manners when a hostess first feeds her guests and then insults them for having eaten. People have got to Stop putting up with such insults by even partially attributing them to concern for their own welfare. If she Wens you she would have Arisen from the table at that Point apologized for having assumed thai the hostess had provided food with the intention of your eating it and departed. Dear miss manners several week before a bar Mitzvah party we attended recently the Botn asked me for Tome Derek of Friend mine not her whom the had met Al dinner Partie Ami other occasion to my How info emf me that the wanted to invite at the party my children at Ted me what time people were doing there meaning thai they knew to Fame people were tory Ramil of the he flu. I need and reaffirmed what i bad Ahvay emf it Mem one Don not invite people for the very first time to an oct Seton where they Are expected to Bomfa valuable gift. But 1 started Wood Erini whether that wat perhaps an outdated Rule of my european upbringing hut do not apply by More or perhaps new did apply m this country. Gentle Reader the Rule is that one does not induce at family occasions people who have not had an Opportunity to care about the family to the extent of warning to celebrate their milestones. But then of course your friends could have declined the invitations could t they in any Case you have a Tittle Home etiquette project of your own to do. Please teach your children not to comment on the behaviour of people in whose hospitality they Are partaking at least until they Are out from under their roof. Have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manner regrets that she can Onty answer questions to her column. 2 it Lett attain
