European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - December 11, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 14 the stars and stripes thursday december 11,1986 today s crossword columns  i Hibib he life is More tasteless than fiction b Russell Baker the sequence seems to go like this 1. An american is kidnapped in Beirut. 2. Somebody at the White House hears Hal Irani ans have influence with the kidnappers. J. Humane impulse motivate the president to approve secret contacts with somebody in Tehran 4 the iranian somebody says Iran will use ill influence to free the Kidnap victim if the White House will change policy and Ull it some weapons for its War with Iraq. 5. The president humane impulses overpowering common sense agrees to sell the guns secretly to Iran. 6. Through sinuous mercantile channels the goods arrive in Iran which pays a substantial Price for Ihm. The hostage is freed. 7 Back in Washington creative accounting begins. The cooked books show that what the iranians paid for the guns was Only whal they originally Cost the Pentagon actually they pay a sleep markup which makes the Deal very profitable for the seller. 8. Instead of using this profit to Cut the  somewhere orders it deposited m a secret Bank account in Switzerland. 9. Somewhere somebody empowered to write secret checks on this secret account sends somebody else somewhere the Money to finance the administration backed Effort to overthrow the marxist govern ment of Nicaragua. Tel learning that Money from the secret guns for hostage Deal has been spent to fund the nol so secret Effort 10 undo the nicaraguan government the presi Dent is appalled for Congress has forbidden such financing which Means somebody somewhere pos Sibly in the while House has broken the Law. Here Are inc makings of a Fine mystery Lale of International deceit High level double crossing top drawer espionage and big Money Capers on the out come of which As a Book jacket burble might put ii hang the destinies of nations. 1 am tantalized by the fictional possibilities of inc Story. Scratch any Newspaperman and you ii find Aman of letters who knows he could easily top John be Carre on the Best seller charts if he chose to sacrifice the cocktail hour. Being unwilling to sacrifice the cocktail hour i herewith disclose the nub of the tale for any creative writing graduate willing to rack up s2 million in hard cover sales alone. My plot owes something to the Carre whose splendid books tend to demonstrate Hal we Are Likely to become the victims of the very Mereoni institutions or states to whom Tad which we Are Moit Loyal in Ihil Story of hostage iranian and Nicaragua for example the most plausible explanation for fictional purposes of course is that the kidnapping of americans in Beirut is being directed from the while  essence of the thing n that somebody at the White House under pressure to Fulwil Congress and find a Way 10 continue financing the War to overthrow Nicaragua s marxist government comes up with scheme for turning american hostages into Cash for the centres the Joo pages of hopelessly confusing action detail i shall leave to the author bul it is simple to outline mister somebody at the White House knows that both the iranians and the contras Are desperate for weapons thai government policy forbids the . To Supply. He meets with the mysterious col. Cotrano of the co  easy it would be he tells the colonel for a few nicaraguans with towels around their Heads to dash around Beirut waving Kalashnikov until they passed for muslims. After that How easy for them to Kidnap an american or two. Desperate Lor u.3. Weaponry u Yuu  unlisted Telephone number in Washington and offer an exorbitant sum for heir satanic guns they May come across upon being informed that you can also deliver certain hostages which we arc in a position to provide to you  pays big Money nicaraguans free the hos tages excess profits from the transaction Are paid into a secret account then paid out to another secret account for the  a freed hostage is brought to the White House for a photo Opportunity with the president. How does the denouement come out details details. I m an idea Man not a detail Man bul i imagine the Kidnap victim has to learn somehow while confront ing somebody at the while House that he was t a Kidnap victim at All but a device to prevent Centra America from going communist until Congress recovers its  hostages into Cash for the contras is Only a Story idea of course bul life is even More tasteless than fiction. Gift ideas for Man who has if All by Dick West baffled Over what to buy for the proverbial Man who has everything Well permit me to pass along a few suggestions from Michael Korda editor at the publishing Bouse Simon & schuster. Among other things he lists a 34-hour Day. Pali nun credit card a personalized parking place a perfect Secretary and a permanent brass nameplate. Korda As you can tee Goe in big for "pv1 1 can see where a 34-hour Day might come in Handy in the Book business although opinions May vary As to what constitute a perfect Secretary. Anyway a Platinum credit card should Lake care of the Man who has everything. But what about the kid who has everything probably you Are shopping for some children who already have been Given portable Lape players television sets and computers. Have you considered they might like to find a gift wrapped rechargeable Battery under the Christmas tree i can Tell you from bitter experience there u no greater disappointment than getting the Battery pow ered device you asked for Only to discover hat of Santa has for Gollen the  Phillips Home products company of Akron Ohio a do in yourself manufacturer estimates that americans spend about $2 billion a year on batteries. Sales Are brisk except on Christmas morning when All the places that might sell batteries Are  giving the fed a rechargeable Battery you could become a bigger Christmas morn hero or heroine than if Yon shelled out for one of the billion Odd and the children on your list Dent have to worry about it running Down. All they need do u plug it into a Wall socket and Presto the appliance is As bul maybe the kid who has everything already has a Battery recharger. Kids nowadays Wernert l hiding behind the door or out somewhere buying batteries when the brains were passed out ii does t Lake them Long to figure out their stupid parents Likely will Forjet one essential ingredient to that Case maybe you would like to gift wrap a robot according to a Magazine article i saw earlier this year the robot Industry is in a depressed state mainly because Many potential customers now realize that fac tory automation in l the answer to All their problems. Iut . 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