European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - December 31, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 14 the stars and stripes wednesday december 31, 1986 columns carrying around lots of keys opens up nothing but trouble by Andy Rooney we be gone crazy with keys if we want to get in we re All forced to carry eight or 10 keys around with us. We carry keys every Day that we Don t use once every six months. I Don t notice the number of thefts going Down because of our keys either. If keys and locks were the answer to dishonesty we d have a theft free country. The drawers in which everyone keeps life s Bric a Brac and Memorabilia have keys in them we Haven t used in years. In Many cases we Don t know what the keys unlock but we re afraid to throw them away. Between the Dresser drawers the Kitchen drawers and the drawers in Hall and living room tables there must be 30 dead keys in our House. I still keep the keys to a couple of cars that were turned into scrap years ago. Is there a Market for the key to the trunk of a 1957 Ford Fairlane people have a terrible Lime throwing a key away. Akey seems like such an important item even though it no longer pits anything we own. If i saved Money the Way i save keys i d have enough to make a takeover bid for ism. Most of us have at least seven Basic keys two House keys one for the front door and one for the Back door one for the garage whether we lock it or not two car keys one for the ignition and one for the trunk one key for a door or locker at work and one that opens a padlock. Those Are the Basic keys although there Are Many More. If you own two cars you have four car keys. Often there arc two locks on the door of a House andean office in a City building can mean you la have to carry three keys. You la need one to get into your office area another to get into your office door and third to unlock your desk. We pretend keys Are More important than they Are. How serious an impediment to entry is a lock and key when the Only thing that stands Between a burglar and the possessions in your House is a pane of Glass i often ride a train to work and i m amused to see businessmen carrying briefcases to work with tiny locks on them. It s and Culous for the same reason Alock on a suitcase does t make any sense. If someone wants to steal something from a briefcase or a suit Case he in t going to Stop to unlock it. He s going to Lake the whole lot in the Handy Little carrying Case you be provided for him. He can open it later at his Leisure with an a. There must be 10 tiny keys in my Dresser that came with suitcases i be bought. I be never locked anything with them and i be never thrown them out. I always ask a Luggage Salesman for a suitcase without a lock on it and suggest to him that it should be cheaper. Most suitcases of course have locks. Some of my battered and abandoned suitcases in the upstairs Hall closet Are repositories for keys them selves. I often find two or three hotel keys for rooms i checked out of years ago floating around the Bottom Ofa suitcase along with the other flotsam and jetsam of Long trips. All the keys have drop in any Mailbox no postage necessary stamped on them and i feet terribly guilty but i never get around to returning them. People make a big Deal out of Locking their cars. More than a million cars a year Are stolen in the United states and i bet most of them were locked when the thief came along. I have a feeling that if we threw away All our key keys our kingdoms would still be there in the morn ing. A to Bune Media Sei Vicos merchants Selling toys of War enjoyed booming Yule season by Art Buchwald these two arms dealers met on the Street in Geneva. So How s business one dealer said to the other. It could be better. If it weren t for the moderate iranians i think i d starve to what was your big Christmas item we did nicely with spare parts for Iran. The mul Lahs can t get enough of where do you find spare parts these Days that s the question i asked myself when i first got the order. I was up the Creek until 1 met an israeli i Haifa who told me you want spare parts Call the White House " i Don t believe it. How did you persuade the Whitehouse to provide parts for fighter planes "1 told them i was from the iranian american Friendship society and if they turned Over the spare parts to me no one in the National Security Council would Ever want for Caspian caviar thai s not a bad Deal for it gels better. The White House asked for Permis Sion to Allynd the iranian american Friendship society Ball which is the biggest social even of the to show the . Had nothing but Good will the americans said they would Supply door prizes of Hawk missiles Tow anti tank weapons Uzi machine guns and 100 radar Stalions. They made me the middleman which As you know in the Gulf states is no Small the other merchant said that s a very Good Busi Ness Deal. You make Money and you re a that s where you Are wrong. I never saw any of the Money the iranians paid for the arms. It disappeared in a Swiss Bank account and no one has seen it maybe the Money went to Why Nicaragua the White House sends every Nickel it gets to first Man said la figures. So Tell me How s business with you i gave up hardware and i m now in software. You Don t get your hands dirty and you make More kind of software business i sell satellite photos to Iraq. Then the iraqis flyover and bomb the hell out of the stuff you sold to should the White House give you their satellite photos to permit Baghdad to make Rice pudding of All my hardware Why should you care every time Iraq bombs Iran it Means the Iran american Friendship society is going to have to order More weapons. The United states insists on being Neutral in the War. What Bette Way to do that than to sell arms to one country and i tech intelligence to the other Well it looks like we re both holding our own when it come to being helpful in the Middle this is the Way i look at it. As Long As the Iraq Iran conflict continues we have to do business with the until a better War comes c los angelas times sounds like no. I m simh1wtfumy satins in ins 1oi think if if Phi s inhhyp15 Carat or. Ein Jeffefson Ana Sun they act. A into a o a hse Coise -. \ today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across sssiilclieil1 Small 39 Kate rodent 41 "you5 Lohn la clock or Lane "8 Coak ulale 4, cubic 12 prolific meters aulh.? 46 improves13 she s lie copy Sweet As 50 str Tapple ii Pul cider 51 medieval 14115 area of 54 City on Scotland 24 a ross17 nocturnal 55 oni Issis creatures 56 hawaiian 18 Waldorf. Koose 58. Ink 59 surf ii down1 chums 2 wild nx3 Monk s Lull la 4 medieval 5 loud nois6 strange 7" Ofili a 8 cover up9 hindu social ills Lilly Lilloll 10 Herald. 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