European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 3, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse Page in cot the stars and stripes Friday. April 3,1687 the Rev. Shorty talks to the lord Byar Buchwald lord listen to me. This in the Rev. Shorty Beans broadcasting on Channel 83 from the electronic Church of the tender Wallet in boost Erville va.,and i m up to my Cowboy boots in trouble. Somebody s trying 10 Lake my flock. I suspect it that Garden Snake my. Jimmy Haggard the one who lakes Mastercard and visa to heat arthritis , 1 need you 10 come up with a defense against this hostile , Don t listen to the stories about me commit Ting a sexual transgression with my Secretary. You know and 1 know there is less Hanky Panky in the Church of the tender Wallet than m any to pulpit in incl nov Haggard is pulling out the word that i be sinned in Church business administration he can go to hell. Last year we grossed $ 100 million of which you gut two. Sales or my wife Barbie s gospel album have soared through the roof. The Condo on the red sea Golf course Are finished the Cain and Abel amuse ment Park is so. And we re adding another Wing to the 25-Story Sodom and gomorrah Motel lord we re willing 16 make any changes you want to Cut expenses Barbie has dumped the entire sym phony orchestra that always accompanied her Andreve Cut Back on the fireworks display we set off every time a pledge of $3,000 lights up the telethon i have decided to Lake a Alary Cut 1 will accept no More pay from the Church of the tender Wallet than tee Iacocca takes Oul of Chrysler. Haggard is asian i Hatchet Man. F you allow him to Lake Over our to show the ratings will plummet to Zero. -. Lord i be got a great idea to Stop the m going to announce that if the listeners Don t give me j8 million to prevent Haggard from grabbing my Church you Are going to take me Home. If thai fails i halt Lay thai if my congregation does t raise the Money 111 run for president of the United states i know what you re saying. Lord. Where do off running Tor president it s very simple. I have All the qualifications any candidate has this year not to mention my own to network i m going to Tell my flock a vote for me is a vote for you and if you Don t mind. Lord i m going to reveal that i have your endorsement. And if this does t do the trick j Wili bring up Roy War record. You Don t have to make any personal appear ances for me lord. By the same Token you Don t have to make a big Deal of it if you Are nol going to be there. I think i be covered everything. We re Only three minutes to air time. What i m asking from you lord is to help me Stop the takeover of my ministry. Trustee lord. I will always keep one Eye on you and the other on the Bottom line. Cd land ten to not Sam teak agony of being an orioles fan by Bussell Baker i m a baseball fan. It is a game you Don t have Loreigh 250 pounds or stand 7 feet tall or be South american to play Well. Also it is not played on ice. I used to think 1 could grow up 10 be a major league baseball player. What changed my mind was inferior baseball gloves. It is amazing How hard a baseball can be when it is thrown Al maximum Speed by the biggest idd on the Block and has to be slopped by a band wearing Glove without a Nice thick Cushion in the Palm. When it was my Lum to Bat memories of How hard the ban Felt smacking into a thinly protected hand made me worry about How hard it would feel colliding with a Lotah unprotected head la is hard 10 Bat when All you can think about Asgel Tinghir in the head. As a fan my team is the orioles. The trick to being successful baseball fan is 10 ignore one of the two major leagues and half of the other. For instance 1ignore the entire National league and the Western division learns of the american league. This leaves Only the american league s seven Eastern teams to worry ignoring All but the big seven i have Long spells when f hardly have to think at Alt about baseball. 1enjoy Long breathers when the orioles disappear below the Western horizon As they frequently do to play teams 1 have never heard of and would t can about if Only games that count Are those involving the orioles red sox Yankees indians Blue jays tigers and also Means agony and one agony in being an orioles fan is that the Only seals they la sell you for games with the red sox Yankees indians Blue jays tigers and Brewers arc so High above the Field that acrophobia can make you hysterical and so far from Home plate Tibai you need a radio to know what s happening in the tans say in makes More sense to stay Home and listen to the orioles on radio but these Are no real fans. 1 am n real fan. I drive an hour and a half to the game where parking lot tyrants Bury my car so deep that 10,000 other cars will have to leave before can get Oul. In the Park 1 climb up to where he oxygen is away 1 can see some men in Oriole Orange and Black but can1 Lull whether they Are the great Eddie Murray or just six Guys named Juan game Star Yankees Bat for 30 minutes and scoreline runs. Oriole bal for Ihrcke minutes and score nothing. Second inning Yankees bal for 35 minutes and score five More runs. The Yankee fans behind us having gloated themselves out and finished the last. Keg of Beer left in the Park depart without violence. Yankee fans have no loyally. Not like orioles don1 leave just because it s 10 to 0 in the second inning. No sine. 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