European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - June 18, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns save the Buck get those glaciers moving by John Windrow we re saved. I think. For  years now he United Stales has been trying to figure out what id do about the Trade deficit. The japanese sell us can stereos computers watches tvs and radios by the shipload. We try to gel them to buy something we make like Cowboy hats Catfish Blue jeans Collon guns butter soybeans hamburgers or Rock albums. You have to sell one hell of a lot of Cowboy Hals to get enough Money to buy a color to or a Dat Sun.  s Why we re not breaking even. All of this has driven a stake through the Dollar s heart and buried the Greenback at the commercial Crossroads. I won t snivel about How Al affects me personally but i la say this it s looking Tike t May soon be living in a $1,000-a-Monlh apartment. Thai s going to be something to brag about next time i see the Home folks. I be been toying with the concept of America raising whales and Selling them to the japanese. If we could gel. Say $1 a Pound i think we could make a bundle. The japanese like to eat whales. We have All kinds of space in America. What do you say to getting the army corp of Engineer to Drain the Lake of the ozarks and refill it with sea Walterf then we put broke Farmers to work raking Whalean ship therial pan lust think of All the construction workers it would take to dig a ditch from the Pacific to Missouri so we could pump Hie Salt water into the Lake. We could whip unemployment solve the agriculture crisis and ease the  deficit Ait at once. But no. There s a whole lobby of people out there who love whales and would never stand for in t withdraw the suggestion. Forget that i Ever mentioned in. Nevertheless we could be saved anyway Hanks to the ingenuity of a Man named Mark Wilson. He lives in Alaska and he s Felling water to the japanese. There has l been anything this Good since the sharpies at hot Springs ark., used to sell water to Yankee tourist. Water i might Adri that the government owned. Wilson who lives in Anchorage says he has sold the japanese 300 tons of melted Glacier ice. He s marketing it As a Novelty item with snob Appeal. Something to impress friends and acquaintances. Care for some Bourbon and wafer old Pill by the Way i just happen to have some melted Glacier ice Here. I have it shipped in from Alaska you know. Some May Call it extravagant and i suppose it is but i find nothing matches the brisk bracing fresh taste of melted glaciers. May poor you some the la panes Are prosperous Folk. Maybe alaskan ice water could catch on Over Here. I know they love american stuff. I was in Tokyo once in the Navy and every kid bopping Down the Street was wearing an american football Jorse. They had the names All loused or and i kept  things like new York Colts Oakland chargers or Chicago pirates. All the japanese girls had on to shirts with the names of american universities on them. And they re crazy about baseball. Several of my friends and i were invited to a party because a Bunch of Tipsy japanese businessmen thought we were the new York mets who were in town playing a a Pancose team the same Day our ship Pulyad in. Think we All look alike to them ii seems to me that i introduced myself As Tom Shaver after i finally figured out what was going on. Melted glaciers would be idea for Export. Alaska has mites and Miles of ice. Get sonic lug boats  shoving those glaciers  California As Ibey melt pump the Waler into plastic jugs. Ship it to the far Easl. Charge enormous prices or they won t think it s special. Well charge about a ,1 Jug. First of course we have to make them think that we re crazy about it. Nancy Reagan May  to serve some at the White House. In would be very Good if she could Call Princess i Over and gel her to drink some on National to. Elizabeth Taylor could get interviewed in people Magazine and he photographed wilting booze mixed with melted Gia Cler ice. People could have titanic parties and serve the stuff with Little glaciers floating in the punch bowl. Football players could drink in on the sidelines during big games. We could float a few stories in the National Faquir Eethal melted Glacier ice May be a cure for cancer. Paul Harvey could make fun of in on his radio show. T know what you re thinking now. Windrow you fool you say if we do All that americans will be buying All of the stuff they can gel their hands on. So Whatt let pm. The Money will stay Here at Home and people won t buy As Many japanese products. And we can Jack up the Price. Maybe we could Engineer a phony shortage. Trot out a few scientists on the evening news who la say if we keep melting Alaska n glaciers t he world s weight will shift and Well All lip Over sideways. It la make everybody want if even More. This could be our salvation. There s tons of glaciers of there nobody wants them. Met ing Idem Down won t pollute won t Cost much and As far As 1 know Here s no save the glaciers lobby Mil there to throw Sand in the gears of the operation. Sure other countries have glaciers but they Don t have Madison Avenue to write their and copy. I want to see full color ads of girls in bikinis lounging around on glaciers drinking melted Glacier water. And i want to see in soon. Mark Wilson May be our next Henry Ford. Constance s Girdle not subject for polite chit Chat by miss manners United Feduk Syndicate dear miss manners during a dinner party at our House for a few couple we have known for come time we Are All in our 40tthe ditch icon got around to aging. I remarked that my Friend cont Lance who Wai there and i help maintain the illusion of youth by colouring our hair and wearing girdles. There were a few chuckles and other people talked about Tome of their Little ploys. Yesterday Constance chided me for my comments. A lady s hair colouring and even More her Gintle the maintained Are Milf kit not mentioned in Pottle society. She claimed that i had humiliated her by giving away her Screti especially in a pretence of men. I told her that these taboos Are Long gone and that the fact thai we color our hair is probably obvious anyway. As to girdles i think a lady should be More embarrassed at having it thought Ihal she does t Wear one than that the Doet. Constance however is still miffed. Did i do something terrible wrong gentle Reader you certainly did. You May decide on your own Thali that you no longer wish to observe the custom of reticence annul your personal habits but you May not do so on behalf of Constance or As you presume of the entire society. When taboos Are abolished Mies manners will announce it if you please. Until then please allow others the Courtesy of keeping or giving away their own secrets. You owe your Friend an apology. Dear miss manners for a Friend i wedding for which i am coordinator there is no Mother of the Bride and the Ile Mother will not be attending. They Are from out of the country and the Bride and Stepmother do not have a Good relationship although the Bride did invite her should there Bea stand info the Mother of the bridal no relative will be attending from out of the country except the father there will not be an aunt or older Friend. If the answer ii no who will stand when the Bride enters giving the signal to the other guests the Groom s Mother is deceased and lie has one sister. Should she act for the Mother of the Groom gentle Reader act indeed. You do seem to have the impression thai the parts of the Rno hers Are rules which must be cast for the spectacle of the wedding to be Complete. Actually mothers of the bridal couple Are Liere  Len Yaretzi mothers. If there Are none Pam no so in.1 in. V of Don l have to i out and Hiru . Such minor duties As having the Bride s Mother sealed Tost to indicate the wedding is about to Bitin. Or standing fur the Bride can safely be omitted you will find. Dear miss manners help my in Laws have done in again. The latest is a typed business letter from my husband s father lolling us Ihal he s decided to buy my Mother in Law a four door car Wilh automatic transit Filion and asking How we would like to pay 15 percent of it the reply card his the following options count me  i win participate " sorry can t Cut  charming also we re supposed to answer Pronto hit wording. I find it galling particularly As we arc in compromising financial conditions As his father Well knows. What i the tactful Way to handle this f he s also asked Hii other iwo children to help and in looks As if Well be the Only ones who can t afford it. We d have to borrow Money. Gentle Reader what makes you think you have to choose one of the options uttered the truly charming thing to do would be to Wilu across the reply card congratulations on the new car come give us a spin in it some  dear miss manners i Don t like to clean the Kitchen so my mom got mad at me. I d rather stay in my room watching to and listening to my radio. Also 1 Don l like to go to parties but my mom and dad make me go. I am mad at Ihm. Please Tell me about manners. Thank you very much. Gentle Reader you re being brought up. Put another Way you am the victim of child rearing. Manners which is what laity Are teaching you include both consideration Tor others and the Learned ability to mix school his Wilh a variety of other people. Miss manners Symn Alhi s Wilh you about the difficulty of this pm i is Anil to not expect you to believe Ihal in is your parents whom you will one Day be Hanking Lizul such ii la c Case. If Ipei Magazine june la 1987