European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 3, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns no room for skeletons in this family s closet by John Windrow Magazine editor one of the great things about writing .1 column is that friends and even strangers Lull you anything weird or comic thai they hear about. When  Roberts was up in the prayer lower raising Money by threatening to die people stopped me constantly to relate the latest development and urge me to write a column about it. When he said to had rated i he de Ari i was practically stampeded. One would think thai Oral would be grist for anyone s Mill but i could never i hink of a anything to write thai was funnier than the news stories running out of Tulsa on the wires. I Ricl get one great line from my pal frenchy the wire editor who said if Oral com really raise the dead Why Don t he bring Elvis Back but even that failed to spark a column. However i got a live Ono this week. One of the feature writers showed me an a article about people who make their living arranging other people s closets. Americans May not be Able to make a Good car anymore but we can certainly create jobs in the service Industry. We Lead the world in this Type of thing. The germans for example Haven t even discovered the closet. I have the ultimate Challenge for these Dost arrangers the mount Everest of closets. It s under the stairs in my aunt Lois House Back in Tennessee. The closet is nigh on to huge As Large As a Small room and anyone in inc family who had anything they did t want around but were Bath to throw away ended up parking it into aunt Lois closet. I spent Many Happy hours there on Rainy afternoons during my boyhood and am the world s Foremost authority on its contents. I want his stuff arranged mind you not thrown away. It s All precious in one Way or another. After stumbling Over my Lale Uncle Alexander s set of left handed Golf clubs the Arranger will notice a Row of empty whiskey bottles on a rickety shelf. We started finning them after my Greaf Auni Letitia died. They always told me she walked with a 30 degree list to port because of inner ear trouble. Gut after she passed on we started finding these empty fifths stuffed under the Couch behind Ibe sideboard under the sink in the attic and up the Chimney flue. She d even stuck one in the Atli . T turned it on and showered everyone within rare with shattered Milass. My grandmother does t want to throw Hern out because she thinks the in Range men might talk. Under the shelf is a cardboard Bux mini with Small dark bottles. All of the labels Are missing or illegible. These bodies contain livestock Medicine from the Days when my Grandfather raised cows. They claim to treat All sorts of parasites flies infections Blackleg Swine flu cholera diphtheria and Worms. Think there s also some tick powder for dogs in there. My Uncle Leo says we should t throw the stuff away because we might gel Back in he cattle business some Day and it does t matter what you give a sick cow anyway hey either die or they Don t. Inside a fishing tackle Box Are yellowed photos of my Uncle Leo s old girlfriends. Aunt Ramona thinks they were All thrown out years ago. Hanging on a Nail in the Wall is a Winchester ,2 2 single shot Rifle with a rusting Shell jammed in the chamber. I be been meaning to fix that sometime when i m Home. There s also a siring of headless Duck decoys that would be great if we Ever run into anybody with a Bunch of busted Decoy that have Heads. In a shoe Box on the floor there Are a dozen Glass Hen eggs. We used to put them under setting hens to keep them contented until we decider  we wanted to Hatch out. I had a ferociously mater while inborn who hatched out ducks turkeys and grow Livore finally let her bring some chickens into the world i feel rather bad about it now Anil Koc a the Glass eggs there As a memorial. I almost forgot the National geographies. 1 figure there Are about 4 billion of them in there crammed into a groaning pile in the Corner. Aun Lois like so Many other people cannot Bear to throw away a National geographic. There s an encyclopedia in japanese next to the magazines. My Cousin Clarence won it in a poker game in the King Cotton Motel in Memphis years ago and tikes to Lake people in the closet to Admire the volumes on occasion. Behind the encyclopedia is ,1  Rattlesnake preserved in a Jar of alcohol looking is if he were alive. I used to keep him Over my bed until aunt Kalonj went in to dust one Day saw him fainted dead away and broke her Collarbone. Be careful about this one because i Don t think aunt Lois knows it s in there. And there s Cousin Clarence s Complete collection of team photos of the Memphis Chicks. In the 19s4 photo the shortstop and second baseman Are holding hands. They an circled in red. Also my Grandfather s world War i Gas mask a p-38 my child Man took off a German ambulance Driver in 1945 my Shellbach certificate for crossing he Equator when i Wasj in the Navy a Squirrel suit i wore in a play in the 5th Grade a wooden leg bought by my Cousin weeks who would buy anything a Large ring of keys that Don t fit anything six Rusty Roach traps for catching fish bail and a Sel of false Teeth that Don t til anyone now but might fit someone someday. Mason Jan till a pile of boxes that reach the Selling. Someone told aunt Ramona that folks out in los Angeles would pay is for old Mason jars. There Are enough of them to Send us All to Harvard if Only some free of pending californians would show up that s not everything but it s a Start. I want it arranged. I m not optimistic. I Don t believe  Roberts could save that closet. Coffee dessert vacuuming miss manners Speaks by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a few years ago my Mother held a urge dinner party at her Home. Although her Elfei Cylc and her friends Are very informal i a appalled when she pulled out the vacuum cleaner after dinner because she was afraid thai the cake some guest had dropped would get ground into the carpet. Needless to Lay the vacuuming was loud and disruptive and i thought h very rude to her guests. She considered it practical her husband i throwing a big party to celebrate her 50th birthday and i want to know what i can do Short of stealing the vacuum cleaner to prevent other embarrassing vacuuming incidents and to gently Correct her when she goes Way beyond the boundaries of convention. Gentle Reader one cannot Correct one s Mother. She is responsible for her own behaviour. Therefore one might just As Well forget about being embarrassed for her. She u among friends after All at her own parties. If you really must do something other than silting there and dying in your chair go with it. Lean Forward enthusiastically after she performs the first swipe Call out yay Mol and begin to App Bud. If the guests did t already think she was cute they will i Hen. Dear miss manners do you have any suggestions about possible uses for a Large collection of Napkin rings some Are cute some Are fancy All were Given by people i still see and together they Lake up a lot of space in my Odds and Endt drawers. When we re at Home alone we use paper napkins. On More formal occasions i use Beaul jul embroidered table linens and i la be blessed if i m going to Roll up the napkins and stuff them into rings. Gentle Reader my manners does t suppose she could talk you into using cloth napkins for the family could she that s what Napkin rings Are for. But no you la Tell her How much ironing that will add to your already overburdened life and she Wilt be too sympathetic to make any Compromise suggestions about no Iron fabrics. So whal shall we do with them it seems a shame to throw them away. If the re round perhaps you could play racing games with hem on the floor. Ii they arc Odd and interesting you could Sel them up As a Little decorative collection. And if they have no such use yes you can give them away. Dear miss manners How do i know if i should Call people by their first names or by their titles gentle Reader recommended method Call the person by his or her title and surname. If you Are Laid of no. Please Call me Joe then you will know to use the first name. Not recommended method use the first name. If the person draws up stiffly and says i am or. Smythers if you please you will know that you should have used the litre and last name. Dear miss manners i am embarrassed chagrined angry and sorry and at the same time. During after dinner conversation recently i quoted what seemed to or the thou git Provo Reg views of a editorial on a highly controversial subject. The Arline was loosely associated with the subject under discussion at the time. Unbeknownst to me the views were in direct conflict with our guest deep religious convictions. It was obvious immediately thai they were offended and they left soon afterwards. What do i do now should this incident to allowed to pass unacknowledged or is a note of apology in order i never would have deliberately offended them. Gentle Reader then say so in writing. A note of apology is never out of order. Of perhaps sometimes one should never apologize for having delivered a marriage proposal. Especially if it has been accepted. Where was miss manners of yes. At the dangers of discussing religion and politics at the table. Although these taboos have pretty much been removed it is never Porte to attack someone else s beliefs. That you did so inadvertently just gives you a better excuse Lex the apology i m so sorry that my Clumsy efforts to be thought provoking offended you. As you must know i have the greatest respect for you and your beliefs and 1 apologize sincerely for having offended  so rift Nuga in  3, 1917