European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - October 11, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse                                By Jane e. Broom new York times Ive years ago my lather collapsed and died of a heart attack while grocery shopping Lor the Flash has Hanah dinner we were All to have shared at his Home that night. My brother and i admitted mat daddy died with his boots on doing what he loved most shopping. We consoled ourselves with the tact that unlike our Mother who was ravaged by cancer Tor a year Belore she died he did t suffer and that just live minutes before he succumbed my Stepmother had seen him laughing and of course he had lived nearly 72 full and Happy years and we had known for 13 of those years that he had heart disease and could die Al any Lime. Still the suddenness of it. On the eve of the jewish new year Celebration left a gaping chasm in my Lite. Gone was the person who had known me longer and better than anyone else on Earth and who had loved and admired me unconditionally since the Day i was born. No Chance to say goodbye daddy i love you thanks Lor All you have Given me and my children i m sorry Lor All the limes i must have Hurt  no hug Ond kiss closure for a Loving irreplaceable relationship of 41 years. For month afterwards i chastised myself for having not been stricter with him about his diet nor insisting that he participate in a supervised exercise program. And i wondered and still do in i had unwittingly added to the stress that might have triggered his final attack. In Reading about the reactions of owners to the deaths of their parents i discovered that my feelings were far Tram unique and in reality were considerably less disruptive than they might have been not a Tew adults Are emotionally or even physically devastated by the loss of a Parent and some need professional assistance before they can go on with their lives. Parents whether one likes them or not Are special people. One s relationship with them Good bad or indifferent cannot be fully duplicated Wilh anyone else. Thus when a Parent Dies something precious and irreplaceable Dies Loo and the response of children can be far More intense Complex and prolonged than anyone would have expected. Even when parents Are old and have lived fulfilling lives or when death terminates a prolonged illness and might be a Welcome Relief the pain fed by children can be surprisingly intense. And even when children had a hostile or an ambivalent relationship Wilh their parents they might Grieve Lor might have beens. The rapport they never experienced. Yet alter iwo decades of death awareness that spawned Many books articles and bereavement groups relatively Little attention has been paid until now to the effects on adults of the death of parents. It is expected after All that parents will die Belore their children and it is expected that adult children most Wilh families of their own can take the loss in stride and quickly return to the rhythm of their lives. Lou of Parent when you re an adult might Lack the poignancy of the toss of a child a spouse or a dear Friend to illness or Accident. And when an adult loses a Parent empathy and support irom friends White usually genuine is often Short lived. The 40-year-old Man who still cries three months Afler the death of his Mother is Likely to be looked upon Wim suspicion and cautioned to pull Hirsell together and get Back to the world of the living. Two authors both experienced in dealing with adults who Are mourning the loss of parents have sought to Correct this oversight. Edward Myers when parents die Viking. 1986, $13.95 grew out of his experience Wilh the deals of his parents an experience he discovered in numerous interviews was not unique. The second author. Catherine fair Donnelly an authority on bereavement wrote recovering for the loss of a Parent Dodd Mead 1987, $16.95also based on interviews. As Myers Points out. Every year 11.6 million adults 5 percent of the population lose a Parent parental loss is the single most common cause Lor bereavement in the country. When Donnelly asked sons and daughters to explain Why the death of a Parent had Strong Impact most respondents stressed the tone testing nature and uniqueness of the Parent chd i relationship. Here Are some of the comments she heard when you lose your parents you lose someone j the Star band stripes you can never replace. You can remarry and you can have Many spouses but you can Only have one Mother and one  even though i m married and have children and my husband loves me dearly when my lather died i knew there would never again be anyone who loved me the Way my father  my father loved me unconditionally. How Many people Are going to make allowances for your faults and your mistakes in life the Way a Parent will another expert Anne Rosberger executive director of the bereavement and loss Center o new York suggests in Donnelly s Book thai the Parent child relationship is possibly the strongest Bond  it develops during a Lime of our greatest vulnerability and exist through innumerable experiences both positive and  she said. At times survivors get fixed on one aspect of the relationship instead of viewing its totality. For Many bereaved children anger guilt and shame remain As a residual the loss of the  indeed both Donnelly and Myers found in their interview that these were common themes. Some mourners were sorry they had been estranged from the Parent and that death had now made in impossible Ever to reach an understanding others lamented quarrels thai had occurred shortly before the Parent died. Myers Points out that nearly every death leaves behind unfinished business but that this need not cripple survivors. He suggests writing a letter or making a tape pulling into words what you might have said had your parents lived. By talking to an internal image of your parents he says you can still resolve Many or All of the conflicts that you feel toward  sunday octet of 11,1987 still other bereaved children interviewed by the authors believed they had not done enough to forestall a fatal illness or regretted a postponed Elsil that was now too late. Even those who had served As devoted caretakers during a Parent s terminal illness often fell they Tad not done quite enough. Then there is the anger often unconscious at the Parent for deserting the child anger at siblings for not caring or doing enough anger at the tailings or callousness of the medical profession anger Al being left to lie up the Loose ends of a Long and Complex life both Donnelly and Myers urge those who Are grieving to seek the professional help of a psychotherapist or a bereavement Counselor if they find thai after several months their reaction to the loss is interfering with work with other relationships or with the ability to enjoy one s usual pleasures. It is nol that the period of mourning Ever end my Griel. For example is revived often whenever i encounter something i know my lather would Nave enjoyed. However bereavement should nol and need not be crippling. In fact Lor Many surviving sons and daughters the death of a Patent becomes the impetus Tor emotional growth. Some learn not 1o postpone the frills of life vacation trips visits and other pleasures. Some Are spurred to restore test contacts with friends and relatives or establish a closer relationship Wilh their own children some simply become More sensitive More aware of the needs of others and Mote wiling to give of themselves even without being asked. Myers quotes a woman whose parents died within a year of each other i grew and emerged a much stronger soil reliant capable person a belter role Model for my daughters and a belter helpmate for my