European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 20, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse The stars and stripes Friday. November 20.1987 Colu Hins things ordinarily easily done Brand Rooney there lie a lot of Ordinary things i find hard to do 1 tither can t do them Al Alf or i do them badly. For instance i can i pack suitcase neatly. Make a bed. I could t do it to the first to recant i satisfaction in the army and 1 can t do it to Margie s satisfaction now. 1 Don t try often. Attach a Hose to an outside faucet without hav Najl want u rt-/1nnt Hon Cut the fingernails on my right hand with the Clipper in my left hand. Hold a Telephone Between my shoulder and my ear while i Turylo write something Down. Open a waxed cardboard milk Container i usually forget to look to see which Side i m supposed to crimp open. Take ice cube trays tilled with water from the sink to Lite refrigerator without spilling Waler on the floor. Press a pair of pants. I end up with two creases up the front of each leg. Draw a sketch of something on a piece of paper to describe to someone what i m talking about. This includes trying to draw a m a p for direct ions. Figure up a Check in a restaurant quickly to see if they be cheated me As the waiter stands Over me wait ing for the Money. 1 can t figure what i should lip quickly either. Sign my name so a stranger can read in. Someone said an illegible signature is the sign of an egotist. I Hope i m not an egotist but for the life of me i can l write my name legibly. Sharpen a knife properly. Read for More than an hour. I Admire people who can Settle in with a Good Book for three or four hours at a time but i get restless after 45 minutes and usually put Down the Book and do something else. 1 inadequate not my glasses. Put anything Back in the package it came in. The japanese Genius is nowhere better exhibited than in the Way their products come packed but if you have to Lake in Back Don t Aik me to try to repack it i would t want you to think i m being unnecessarily modest by suggesting there s nothing i do Well. There Are thing i do Well. For instance i can guess exactly what time it is when i Wake up in the Middle of the night. Eat a chinese meat with chopsticks. Make salad dressing. Paul Newman bottles and Sells his bul mine is belter. Park a in a space no More than eight inches longer than the car is. 9 come up with a column in an emergency when i Don t really have an idea. Be Tribune medi.1 s0rvicai How to avoid being a Turkey Byart Buchwald you Are going to your relatives for thanksgiving dinner and you want to be very Bright and say some thing meaningful. The subject up for discussion will probably be the Stock Market so put these in your portfolio and use them As needed. I would rather have a Black monday than a red nosed if Congress had done something about the Lousy deficit the Market would t have dropped through the if the president had done something about the president the Market would t have dropped through the the Nice thing about the Stock Market is that you never see the Money when you invest it and you never see it when in is Bernard Baruch once said. Wall Street is a crap game and All the world s a Casino with players making entrances and exits until they lose their shirts and pants. That s Why they say no matter who wins Lcona Helmsley never loses. " if there is volatility in the Stock Market you will have a Good sex my son works for Smith Barney and he makes Money the old fashioned Way. He takes it out of Park ing meters at nigh a trillion Dollar deficit Means Little to americans but because the j live on an Island it scares the hell out of the panic Selling can be fun but it should t be Don without first taking a stress if you ask me the big Guy gels Hurt worse than the Little Guy when the Market Falls Over the Side because the big Guy a to change his entire lifestyle while the Little Guy can Silil gel through the Winter in his ther Mal people who criticize the Dow Jones averages arc usually when the widows and orphans get out of the mar Ket then i will get Back if Donald Trump knew the Dow was going to fall he should have told mayor my banker has gone into the Valet parking Busi Ness if anybody is giving a Jim and Tammy Bakker just gave me a Good tip on some properly they i be listened to . Hullon once too i originally went into the Market for greed. 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