European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - December 3, 1987, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns the world s fastest Tomato other saucy news by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers today s news update consists of three items i in nol making up Starling with the world s fastest Tomato As some of you May recall i have been participating in an ongoing s Ien Tiftic project to set a world Speed record for a Tomalo thrown by a Jai Alai . This project is being conducted at the prestigious Dania Jai Alai Institute of Dania fla., which used to Bill itself As the Tomal capital of the world which is How the publicity director Steve Bourie motivated by a sincere desire to gel Public Liy developed the idea of having one of the players gel into the guinness Book of world records for throwing the world s fastest Tomato. He asked me to be the objective Media observer who stands behind a plastic shield and times the oncoming Tomato with a radar gun and i agreed. It was a decision thai puzzled my friends. Dave they said in unison you Are blessed with a Good Job and a Loving family and a dog who is finally gelling Over the habit of rolling in filth and then trying to climb into bed with you. Why would you risk death at the hands of a salad ingredient and i replied Why i la Tell you. For the same reason that Christopher Columbus 500 years ago set off across the vast unknown Ocean which is How i found myself crouching against a Wall in the Dania Jai Alai parking lot protected Only by an inadequate looking transparent shield and easily breaking All existing North american records for armpit wetness while a professional Jai Alai player named Charles Chaz Brower who i would estimate is 9 feel 7 inches tall hurled greenish Lom aloes you Don t want them Loo Ripe he explained patiently to a local to news Crew at me from close Range with All his strength. Ii is not easy even for a professional to control the direction of tomatoes sometimes they would sail completely Over the building and sometimes they would hit the Wall next to me at breathtaking speeds exploding into Clouds of Tomato shrapnel. Also the first time we tried this Experiment last Spring we c Oulen l gel the tomatoes to show up on the radar gun but recently we tried again and i am pleased to report that we got a definite Reading of gel ready Lor this 103 Miles per hour. Probably you want to know what a Tomato looks like coming straight at you at thai Speed. I have no idea. My eyes were closed. But i do know this All of us As americans have reason to be proud of this achievement. Next summer during the olympics if the communists Are rejoicing because they won the Gold medal in some Weenie event like the uneven parallel bars we can lean Forward in our reclining chairs and say to our television screens with scorn in our voices of yeah name one single vegetable where you have a world Speed a a that should shut them up although i hear the East germans Are making tremendous Progress with rutabagas. Our second news item is new Ersey Man shoots computer an Alert Reader named Bob Ingraham sent me a news article from the echoes Sentinel in Somerset county n.j., which Stales that a Man named Michael a. Case was arrested at Home after firing eight bullets from his ,44-caliber revolver into his ism personal Home computer. These were not just any bullets either these were your hollow Point Dum Dum bullets which As you sportsmen know give you the kind of stopping Power you need when you re up against a product backed by the world s leading manufacturer of data processing equipment. I. Donald Van Tassell of the Passaic township police told me that Case was not very specific about his motive he said he just got mad at his computer and he opened up on i was unable to reach Case but i want to stale on behalf of All the computer users in the world that we Are behind him one million percent. If we have reached the Point in this country where a Man does not have the right to Bear arms against his own computer then we might just As Well pour new improved liquid drano on the . Constitution. Although at this Point it hardly matters consider our third news item. Termite flatulence threatens Earth i found out about this from Claire Martin a Denver Post reporter on the cutting Edge of journalism. She located a scientist named Pat Zimmerman who i swear i am not making this up has travelled All Over the world measuring termite flatulence and has concluded that termites May be responsible for half of the methane Gas in the atmosphere and that the rate of termite emissions is increasing so rapidly that they could change the Earth s climate and we re All going to die. He did t actually stale that last part. That was my own conclusion so i am urging All of you to proceed with whatever emergency procedures your stale or local government has established for termite flatulence Alert situations. As for me i am going to try to get this Tomato crud out of my hair. When the Check arrives he goes into hiding by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i have been dating a Man who when the restaurant Bill comes will sit there passively. Later he will excuse himself and go to the men s room. The last time when he returned he stared at the Check which was still on the table and then gave me an exasperated look. I realized that his excusing himself at Check time was his Way of permitting me to pay the Bill. I Felt he was upset when i did not. The gentleman makes two or three times As much As i do. Is it now customary for a gentleman to invite a lady out choose the entertainment himself and then manipulate the lady into picking up the Check i was under the impression that when a gentleman asks for a Date he pays. I have reciprocated by buying theater tickets inviting the gentleman Home for dinner Etc. Should i also whip out my Wallet gentle Rader so thai it will be Safe for such a gentleman to come out of the men s room miss manners is not sure she wants him out. The gentleman seems to be suffering from confusion about How to apply new egalitarian principles to old customs. Miss manners does not blame him for that it is confusing even chaotic. But she does not care for his solution. It is still customary for a gentleman who invites a lady out to pay the Bill unless they both clearly understand in Advance that they Are observing the custom of each paying separately. That is More usually practice by students by non romantic friends and by business associates than by mature people who Are in some degree or another courting. What has changed is that the lady May now reciprocate More openly by doing some inviting herself and paying that Bill. Dear miss manners i am perplexed about How i should addressed the invitations to my child s birthday party with an age Range of preschoolers to teen agers. I am not sure when to address the boys As master nor am i sure of How to address the Young ladies. Also should the teen agers names take precedence Over the younger children s names although it is or a 5-year-old s party Centie Reader this is quite a project you Are undertaking. Miss manners wishes you Luck in simultaneously amusing such a variety of guests. When addressing siblings together precedence goes by their age. The age of the Host or guest of Honor is irrelevant. If you want to do the Sweet old fashioned thing miss manners is judging by your interest in the term master which is used for boys under 10address the eldest daughter As miss Trisler and her Sisters As miss Miranda trister miss Melissa trister Etc. Miss is used for All Young girls but miss manners would like to Point out How very much children enjoy receiving their own mail. Perhaps you could spare them each an envelope. Dear miss manners i am writing to you on behalf of my Best Friend Cathy who is engaged to be married. She recently postponed the wedding Date indefinitely or financial reasons. Since then she has had some doubt about the relationship and has contemplated breaking off the engagement. She and her Fiance have received several engagement presents from friends and relatives. What should Cathy do with these gifts if she Breaks off her engagement temporarily or permanently if it makes a difference Cathy and her Fiance arc not cohabiting. Gentle Reader it probably makes a difference to Cathy and her fume but nol to miss manners. Anyway miss manners is occupied trying to figure out the Lime element. Postponing a wedding indefinitely is a euphemism for cancelling it forever. If indeed this is or becomes a permanent break the presents should be resumed. But breaking an engagement temporarily sounds to miss manners like what used to be called a lovers quarrel. In that Case they should hold onto things until try make up their minds for Good. To Bounce the presents Back and Forth would be a nuisance to All concerned. Oritt Enugu let duct Mytr 3, t997
