European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 14, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns snails find a Way to get even Are cows next by Dave Barry knig til Riderr newspapers it at the consumer command Post have Good is for those it Yun wish to freeze your Heads bul i isl we Ihk rim rep icy safely advisory i you must eat snails Wear goggle so this advisory i Sull. From a recent unfortunate Fuji Sumer tragedy that was brought to our attention by in Ileal Reader named Marie Sindoni who sent us an aspic Saied press arts it from her Hometown in a spider in Schnei lady. . The headline Redd Snail explodes when she was burned and temporarily blinded by a Snail that exploded on her plate at a Syracuse rc-ir.iur.9nt, police Sard. You can imagine our Milarm when we read these words. Our first chilling thought was what can explode to this something new could it be that after All these years of being basically Fri Erdly and passive Lille bags of slime snails have somehow developed a defense mechanism that would not be so bad in ii Sulf of course since irii1 major Consumers of snails ire French people. For Rcw Rin Hose of us the consumer command Posl quite frankly Don i care if snails develop thermonuclear weapons. But what concerns us is this suppose other animals learn How to explode. Lobsters for example. Or his makes us very nervous cows. Cows have taken a great Deal of abuse Over the years and we arc confident that if they developed a revenge capability they would not hesitate to use it. First Cowboy Earl Lei s for in Gimel Ronon Brand a i s Here Caw. Second Cowboy of Bull. I la last hell i Iii Iron up to 750fooo degrees then i la slowly press it afro it ibis totally defame Ess cow. K,vb1aml other cows standing around he Hil we became so concerned Alwill Liis Issue that we Lonk the highly unusual step of trying to obtain some actual facts. We called Syracuse my spoke to Charles Pascale the owner of Pascale s wine bar and restaurant where the incident occurred. Me explained hat sometimes you get air pockets in your escargots and when you submerge them in your hot melted Butler your air pockets burst and your Butler gets splashed around. Usually it Only splashes a Coupie of inches he reas uned i s. He said the woman is Fine now and the Only lingering result of this tragedy is that instead of gaining a nationwide reputation As a Fine restaurant which or. Pascale assures us his restaurant is Pascale s is gaining a nationwide reputation As the place where a Snail exploded. Perhaps he should ? on this. Perhaps he should change the try the exploding Snail. We would definitely patronize such a fest aural rut this is not a Lime to be Hinkin Daboul food this is a Lime to be rejoicing Over the recent court Victory for ill Consumers who wish to have their Heads Nuen when they die. This i a popular new trend that we swear we Are not making up. People Are having their Heads removed and Frozen the idea being that someday when Mankind has advanced scientists can Law these Heads Oul fix them up and clone Ihm new bodies. Of course Here is always the possibility the i Mankind will go backward and some Day these Heads will be thawed out and used As horse oeuvres. But right now we Are nut thinking about thai we Art thinking about the Case of Dora Kent s3, whose head is Froin out in Riverside county. Calif., where the Coroner wanted to thaw it out and see if by some Chance mrs Ken was nol actually urn dead when her head was removed. This resulted in a big court fight Between the Coroner and thy Alcor Lite Extension foundation where mrs. Kent had her head done. During this fight the head mysteriously disappeared probably with the Aid of an accomplice f3u1 As William Shakespeare whose head was recently purchased by Michael Jackson used to say adj s Welt thai ends we a. Because recently a judge ruled that the Coroner cannot Law mrs. Kent out a decision that was hailed by an altar spokesperson As follows the judge has spoken for the Fate of Many Heads not just this poor woman to which we Here Al the consumer command Posl can Only add mrs. Ken our hats ire off to you. There was a More effective Way to help the dog by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i was at a family Yard party As the Date of a Young Man. There were Many children theret and one Young child was kicking and abusing a dog belonging to the Host. The poor animal wat yelping in pain. 1 wailed several minutes for the parents who were nearby to Correct the child but they continued eating and laughing. Iii nil by corrected the child myself calling to tier As unobtrusively As possible to Slop abusing the animal i received an angry retort from the Par mis to which i replied that i could nol Walch them ignoring he situation any longer and fid nol intend to tolerate the abuse of the animal. During the afternoon i Wai criticized by several guests the consent i being that Ai a gun i should have kept my Mouth shut and left it up to the parents to Correct the child or ignore the situation As they chose. They argued Fiat if i could not Bear to tee the dog in pain i had the option of leaving but had no right to speak to the Hild. Gentle Reader morally you certainly Triumph in this Story with i our sympathetic concern for the animal compared to the parents irresponsibility about making the Chirt Duce Fly and the guess callous suggestion of dealing with such abuse by walking away from it however Youdu not Triumph in the Mailer of manners. Miss manners Fet k obliged to Point Oul that you could have Dune so while being More effective nol less in your Rescue Mission. If your object was to Rescue the dog Why die a t you just do so it would have been Kinder to the animal simply to step quietly in and Lake ii away from the third rather than to Jet this go on during the time you were reprimanding it child whose parents were present and abstaining from doing so. Dear miss manners Are coasters under glasses Der Euert or like Napkin rings Are they just a Middle class convention what s heir history gentle Reader a history of coasters miss manners would be in the Library for weeks. Perhaps you would Settle for a Brief history of the term Middle class As used insultingly in a country where everyone claims to be Middle class lower Middle class upper Middle class lower lower upper upper Etc the Middle class is usually spurned by itself for being orderly and cautious. Miss manners finds that somewhat curious. Yes the mad wild Devil May care thing to do is to loss All napkins in the trash after every mean thus eliminating the need for Napkin ring Sand to plop wet glasses smack Down on the furniture. Miss manners has decidedly nol noticed this being done in whatever class you Call it that has antique furniture. Those who think it too Middle class to have coasters May give out cocktail napkins with drinks. It is Jem Sueur in All classes to from issuing Napkin rings with those. Dear miss manners i am a blushing bridegroom seeding about i Perrei incurred for a wedding. I have for several years ranted about couples who refuse to pay or their own wedding e.g., to urdu rentals being paid by the individual groomsmen and dresses being purchased by the bridesmaid themselves this behaviour hat annoyed and offended me and now that it is my turn to consecrate my vol with my Bride i wish my friends to know that i will not Welsh on my previous opinions. Several old and dear friends have been asked to share my of on this Day even though they live tar away from where the wedding will take place. I feel thai it ii my responsibility to provide my groomsmen with Tram Portalios regardless of their economic condition. If hit if proper should i Purchase the Helen and Book their flight or allow them to do it and reimburse Themy also i plan to Reserve the rooms bul do nol know How Many Day 1 should pay for. My Bride and 1 will be going to Europe on the evening of the wedding bul the wedding parly May with to remain overnight. Gentle Reader miss manners approves of your Aii empt to fulfil the extravagant demands you have previously made of others. If nol for your past she would have told you Ihal a to Torii Fluom it nol responsible for All expense his groomsmen entail by Pilic Pating. It is always charming to Ireal people so it is in incorrect it is just nol required. But it is you they All remember whal you said and miss manners is proud of you for accenting Ihrl gracefully. She will make it As easy on you As possible by suggesting that you the hotel bilk for Only two nights Hal preceding and following the Wilding and Lei them make their own arrangements if they want or As for booking airline Nickels you naturally need o allow them to plan their own trips yet you do nut want to give them 1heembarrassm? of having to Supply you will a Bill perhaps you could have your travel agent Call each or merely ask them to choose the flights bul id give you the information so you May do i he booking. April of 1988 for Pitt
