European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 7, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse By Iris Krasnow uni Eccl Prass International w Omen Are born Wilh ? that natural instinct to cuddle nurture an adore our offspring Iro the moment their Sweet Imecs tinier inc world. To All Leel like those gooey Model moms who Ollen Grace mag 7fnc covers. Hardly. Say family therapists and women who report Hal the Molher s a pc led role As inc love oozing artery of Iho Home alien Lakos plenty of work. I was t one of those people who fell instantly enamoured of my child says Wanda Wigwall Williams Whoso 14-year old son wan born when she was a Junior in College i got nervous As it got close to the end of my pregnancy because i was t feeling these wonderful maternal feelings. Then he was a Lull month late so by i m Lime he got Here i was really Quilo irritated ii was t this instant bonding being 21 did t make in easier ii was i i a very opportune time Lor me i was i really sure i d be Good at being a Mother at Oil " for Marie the Mother of a 7-year-old son. There was also a difficult adjust men she was married of nine yogis before giving Birllie to her first child. It took me a while because Thoro was a different lifestyle involved i was an Only child myself so 1 did t Seo babies on a regular basis and i had a Milf cull delivery a caesarean. So i did l feel very Good when i Gol Home did t have Itiat Iii if Lime when you be had a Normal delivery and you re ready to Kreasl iced and you re relieved i was getting aver an Sheila Salomon ki3s3, a professor of English in now York and Iho author of 10 books give both to her first child at ago 30 during an anthropological Field trip in a Trinidad Village the poor East Indian neighbourhood women Lastin aled thai such an old woman would be giving birth coaxed their american visitor through labor according to local custom such As making sure Klaas ate plenty of Slippery Ukia to prom oct easy delivery and advising her to live lots of sex to keep the pm Arjoo open 1 i had very much wanted to be a Mother but it was much More difficult than i had imagined 1 says Klass. Here we Weic in inc Middle of the Bush with a now baby i had planned to nurse but did i have enough milk so every Lour Home we had to boil water and i powder m it and make sure no insects came near As for natural bonding she recalls there was no instant anything. It was fraught Wilh i error we really did t know How to handle this new child. We were promos signal adults and had t lived near Young children. Later. I got wonderfully belter at in. A Efimio Ken Olin let and Mai Harris in Acme front to trim thirty something mothering it does t always come easy with baby no. 2,1 was much More competent and baby no. 3 was a now her firstborn pern is a. Molher herself a birth Klass witnessed. This grandma who had her third and last child Al age 40, has this to say to new. Young mothers what tools impossible is very possible but Lirgg the most Dif Licursi and the most exhilarating and Tho most consistently rewarding thing in my whole life is Tho Lack i have my and. Iho difficult part never stops experts find that Well beyond infancy anxiety Aboul falling Short of the role a woman is brought up to believe Shell effortlessly fall into is a Normal stale for Morns. Normal that is until the anxiety level throws satisfaction out of balance. Like anything else you do Wilh mothering you need to Ponder it. Practice in. Have anxiety. Then have satisfaction ii the anxiety lakes Over the Joy and satisfaction Thal s when we Odd people says social worker Marianne Walters. Bui natural feelings Are i ust Don l want to talk to this kid or in he throws his Lood Down again i la explode. Thai kind of aggravation May be considered non nurturing but it s Normal. "1 think the important thing to know Aboul mothering is that it differs for a great Deal of Walters the Molher of three grown daughters has experienced her share Olun Motherly sentiments. Of course i have. 1 Don t think any Mother can escape Walters work Wilh older newlyweds of the 905 Points to evidence thai delaying parenting creates a positive Dildo Cinco. In the Way women approach motherhood. A More mature woman Wilh a stronger sense of self identity lends not to be As swayed by society s stereotypes of Tho old fashioned instantly love gushing mom. Froma Walsh a Chicago clinical psychologist became a Mother Al age 40. An associate professor at Iho University of Chicago. Walsh recently so edited women in families a Book that examines the changing roles of women in the Home. While an advantage for Walsh to having a baby later in life was being Able 10 establish a career identity in her practice she finds clients lamenting How professional ascents can gnaw at mothering the research shows Hal women feel More fulfilled and satisfied when they do have paid employment outside the Home. The dilemma is that women Havo moved into Iho work Force but they Are still carrying 80 percent of child rearing and household responsibilities. It s not just in infancy. There Are constant demands Nihro Ghoul childhood and the teens. Let me add another layer continues Walsh. Although our society pays tribute to mothers one Day of the year the lest of the year we devalue parenting. We place much More value on work achievement outside the Home which is one reason Why it s hard for men. Although they want to assume More parenting they to been reared to believe they re Lai lures unless they succeed in the work a Modem woman who wants Bolh achievement in inc Woik place and a Strong Mother role has to work Wico As hard. And alien it s a double edged sword when children develop behavioural or emotional problems often in is blamed on the Mother for her absence or her smothering. The Field of mental health has tended to blame mothers for any problems the children have it s the psychoanalytic Ira Dillon says Walsh. And i think Mol hrs got a bum rap " family therapist wallers embellishes on this double bind you re damned if you do damned in you Don a bonding is considered absolutely essential but then Yau have to Start letting go or else the sailed Molher becomes a possessive Demon. " a Kjall Williams found that to become a Molher who is both comforting end liberating is a Challenge that takes time her hard work has paid of with a teen age son who has turned out to be a sensitive soul and a budding basketball Star. Mothering for to is making a conscious Effort to try to always remember what it was like to to his ago says Wigfall Williams. I think i be become his teacher in Many ways but i m also his Friend. That does t mean i m nol a Mother i m really his Molher who lays Down rules find who to looks to Lor Wigfall Williams a free Lance health writer is flexible Wilh the hours she is Able to spend with her son. For other working mothers like Sarajane Alioto Quality time must be carefully carved out. Alioto runs a booming table top business and 15 at Iho office most Days. I Choso to have these children and therefore it s my business to make time Lor them says Alioto. So Al s o clock no matter what i m doing i leave and go Homo to Cook dinner and spend Tima with my two kids. My oldest is already 12, and in another five years she won t be around. The time you really Havo them is such a Short period of Alioto comes from a Large italian family and is used to having tots of younger cousins around. She says giving love freely came easily Lor her my Mother had cancer when we were kids and she was in and out of hospitals. So we were Farmed Between aunts and cousins and when i became a Mother myself it was in me she is proud of her Honor Roll kids and feels they Are growing up Wilh a healthy and updated image of motherhood. They know when i m nol Home alter school h s because i m Oul there working for the family. Then i Stop at 5 o clock and i m Home Lor them i Tell mothers who Are struggling Between family and work put your priorities in order. If you decide to have children. They have to be no. 1. " Page 16 the stars and stripes saturday May 7,1983
