European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 7, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse By Lawrence Kutner new York times few years ago a Iriondo asked his lather in he could Barrow the car to go to Iho Beach. His lather thought about it asked some questions and finally said no to did not Trust his son to Mke such a trip by Nim sell All this might to understandable in my Friend had been a teen Ager with a new Driver s License bit in fact. He had just ill a Job As the director of continuing medical education at a Hospital and had two teen age children of his own. My father still has trouble seeing me As an adult he said this situation Points out one difficulty of Bong an adult while you Are still someone s child. The roles of Parent and child Are not limited by age. The changes in that relationship As the of wild enters Middle ago psychologists say. Arc quite different from what most people Bel Rovo and from what Early theorists like Freud described. The Glass through which Adum children Ami their parents look at each Othet is warped and tinted by memories Wisnes and cais each has trouble seeing the Othni As he truly is. Understanding those shadings and distortions can help strengthen hat relationship. When i say mom11 a a whole Host of feelings that have very Little to do with the Curron reality of my 77-year-Otd Mol Herr said Eleanor a Flach Bromberg an associate professor of social work at Hunter College in new York and a specialist in gang such images developed 20 or More years earlier May contrast sharply with a Parent s arthritic wrist occasional memory lapse or other signs of age yet the changes in image that add stress to an adult child s relationship with her parents May have Little to do with physical Trail pics ii May be equally difficult in adapt to a Parent s new found sense of adv Luio after my Mother was widowed at 67 she went Bock to College took up Goll and Erma Bombeck the changing relationship of adult child parents Learned to re rave a Cai Bromberg said. I be had to reshape howl Sec she described the new relationship As More egalitarian than the of one. These Days to Don t just talk about she said. To also talk about her and tier Arthur Bodin a clinical psychologist in Palo Alto calif., and the president of the division of family psychology of the american psychological association described this same adventurous Ness As very upsetting to some adult children. Thoy May find themselves More conservative than their parents he said. They feel uncomfortable comparing their own caution to their parents willingness to take a risk " such conservatism among adult child in can often be seen when a widowed or divorced Patent starts id Date of considers remarrying or moving in with someone new. Most children even adult children. Are uncomfortable with their parents sox Wahly. Psychologists say. They respond to their parents the Way they would to a teen age son or daughter who is becoming sexually aware with feelings of jealousy competitiveness and refection. Someone is replacing a father or a Mother Thair lifelong assumptions about Lamity Are being challenged and May be fundamentally changed the Liming of the new involvement May also disturb adult children because they do not understand its meaning. Alter widowhood in the Parent gels involved again quickly it usually Means they had a Good marriage said or. Florence Kaslow a clinical psychologist and the director of the Florida couples and family Hist Lule in West Paim Beach. Children perceive this in being disloyal but parents who be had a bad manage May feel relieved thai it s Over. They Don t gel involved quickly. Adult children perceive this As being a Parent s aging May Shade her own perceptions of her children. Growing old in our culture usually leads to a loss of Power the body docs not behave As nimbly or As painlessly As the mind directs it. The prestige and Salish actions of a Job May disappear with retirement. With this loss of Power comes a loss of sell esteem adult children my Bear the Brunel of a Parent s attempts to gain control of something. The Mother who dolls her 40 year old daughter to Wear a sweater because in Schily out. And the father who won t lend his 40-year-old son the Carlo go to the Beach May be looking for the Power and re cognition they decl they no longer have. Arguing about the car or pointing out that even your own children know when to put on a sweater will not resolve the real problem. In lad in will probably sound like the print could arguments you had a generation ago. The relationship we have with our parents May not grow much during the Middle years snid Carol s. Pierskalla a co author of Holp for for fes of Tho aging support source 968. When Here s a crisis or change Lor Tho parcel. There May to no Way to comm male adult to adult perhaps the greatest myth about Tho changing relationship of an adult child and her parents is thai they Exchange roles that s a confusion Between dependence and nurturing Bromberg said. She said she believes that such confusion started with male psychoanalytic theorists who tried to imagine How they would relate to their mothers once their fathers died. You can till a need Lor your Mother or la chef without becoming their Parent she said your needs am changing Loo. By they can still do the Basic parental work of cheering you up and calming you today i m using this column to Honor the consummate Mother. She s the Mother who never gave birth to the child she holds in her arms. Yet she will teed it Bathe it and respond to its cries in he Middle of the night. Ii will become a pars of her me and a Par of herself. She will love Ilas tier own until she relinquishes Illo a permanent Home. The child will never Call her Mother and May no even remember her. She is a Foster Mother. There Are thousands of them All Over Tho country bul i want you to meet Barbara i have been blessed Wilh a wonderful husband and two healthy children. My husband and i it la a need to graciously accept our blessings and repay our fortunes. Foster parenting was our answer. Since August 1985, we have shared in the lives of six in lands. We have loved each As our own. We be mourned and rejoiced when each infant left our Homo and Ihen came Riggor since february 1366.1 have taken him to the Hospital eight limes. He has a severe heart defect and his prognosis is guarded. I have watched him in extreme pain and great Joy. I Havo loved him whenever i foil could t Walch those pleading eyes or listen to those agonizing screams i realized god must see something in me and my family that is just what Tigger there s a Graat lesson to be Learned irom Barbara on this Mother s Day. Ii is a lesson that most natural parents find difficult letting go. Love is not measured in the years we tend our children but in the ability to let them go on to the next stage of their lives. Children Are Wiser than we Are. They take whatever Hsy need irom us and know when saturday May 7. 1988 it s Lime to move on. We Don t own Ihm and we Ere not permitted to make Salish demands on them keeping a 35-year-old at Home and doing i laundry every week May be what we need bul it is not what a 35-year-old needs. Barbara is one of those Wise mothers who knows what her role is and How temporary it is. She is willing to be a Mother on those terms. I m not Evert sure it s important in Tigger remembers that wonderful woman who shared his pain and his anxiety during his Young life. When we were adopting our daughter the social worker shared a simple note with us Ham her Foster Molher who tended her the first seven months of her life it said she has allergies can t land Squash and likes to be rocked to sleep " Happy Mother s Day. Whoever and wherever you Are. Con night ills Ehm bomb ecu the stars and stripes Page 17
