European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - June 28, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                In. Most deaths come slowly through time for emotional preparation though some of those close to the a to unable to acknowledge that Mesa people can feel confused or Gry. In extreme cases such people 1 person which can Lead to intense no death. But if the approach of deals cd it can present an Opportunity to go i of life and reconcile any grievances. B Best preparation however news of rally comes As a Shock t course of grieving the research emotional turmoil just after the death around a persistent wish to do protect or please the dead person Ner has not yet begun to grasp the a might be served Lor example by id of funeral he would have  age goes awry the reaction to the solve panic with the bereaved person 0 the Point of incoherence by fear and Ler extreme some mourners suffer a Lalion. In which they seem to protect Ough a loss of recent memories Ore commonly enter a phase in which Tram their feelings by avoiding a death. Yet the dead person May reams. Denial comes at an emotional Cost May Leel numb to All emotions. But red it is a necessary prelude in which Jensa of equilibrium that will allow them loss. 38, some people make extreme he death out of mind sometimes age or alcohol or throw themselves 1 Woik athletics or sexual activity i the next phase when the mourners mental review of their life with the it they actually begin to adjust to the or memorial service those who were by the death will have the most in deceased Horowitz said. For set by the death though it is usually the later that the vivid memories Start lasy. This phase is marked by gets of the deceased or intense Nakes it hard Lor the Mourner to n anything else. Life with the deceased person and i that  with putting of mind so that mourning proceeds 5 doses Horowitz has found actions at this Point include recurring even night terrors nightmares so Reamer May Wake screaming. The of be flooded by overwhelming rage in guilt or tear. While ordinarily such As time passes in those who have Ling the feelings can go on for its the researchers said Tage is completed an intense in company of the dead person slops Horowitz said and sign lies a r t to deny the deals. This yearning is to an emotional acceptance of the to do not reach this Point however i marked inability to work to be t Ive. Or even to experience pleasant feelings. They May be plagued by anxiety depression or rage followed by shame or Guill Many irrational thoughts coma up during mourning such As if i d been a belter person they never would have died " Horowitz said. Normally people let go of these primitive ideas but some gel stuck in them especially if they Tell a Strong ambivalence or anger toward the dead  with the completion of mourning the person once again feels a sense of Mastery of life. Although some grief persists. The Mourner has decided that life can continue without the dead  Horowitz said they re ready for instance to take on the risks of a new relationship that they May be cherished or abandoned and  some kind of death Are More difficult to mourn adequately researchers report although some of the reasons seem obvious others Are Only recently discovered subtleties. Some recent research focuses on suicide which experts say is one of the most difficult deaths to mourn. In addition to suicide being a loss the survivor suffers he also experiences it As an accusation of sorts that his love was not Good enough to keep the Laved one alive or that their relationship was not important enough to stay alive for for instance said Henry Seiden a psychologist and co author of the new Book silent Griel living in the Wake of suicide published by Charlos Scribner s sons. The typical response of the survivors of a suicide is out of shame lobe silent about the tact the death was a suicide Seiden said. That interferes Wilh the Normal course of mourning. The bos i thing is to talk about it. Because they Don t do much of what is Normal to handle grief they can stay stuck in feelings of guilt anger or shame for  by Seiden s estimate the 50,000 suicides each year in the United states May leave a half million survivors to mourn. Bui because Why tend to be quiet about the suicide each feels he is alone he said. A child s death is also difficult to mourn. Research by George Pollock a psychiatrist and director of the Chicago Institute for psychoanalysis has Lound that for most parents whose child has died mourning is never  it s much easier to mourn the death of a Parent than a child Pollock said. To a child the Parent is the past while to the Parent the child is the Lulu re the child s death is a presence thai  siblings also find it difficult to mourn a child s death often the problems associated Wilh this difficulty do not emerge until adulthood. Paradoxically Hose who lose a spouse find it easier to finish mourning and snarl a new Lite when the relationship was Happy while those whose marriages Are Stormy find it harder to recover. This effect is sometimes seen in other relationships Loo. A sudden deals can also make mourning difficult. In a Harvard medical school study those whose spouses died with Little or no warning were More anxious or depressed two to four years after the death than those whose spouses died from Long illnesses. Suffering the slings and arrows and Needles by Enid Nemy new York times they re usually brie remarks tossed off i passing made casually without any great thought they re not mean. They re not Nasty Well maybe a tiny Needle occasionally but what makes them absolutely maddening is that there s almost always a Grain of truth nestled somewhere. And when do these Little nothings pop up invariably when you be already got a tiny twinge of guilt about something and you re making every Effort to submerge it. These brie remarks that land like a grenade to shatter your fragile equilibrium can be described loosely As comments you can live without. That in fact you would very much like to live without. No such Luck. They re absolutely non Diserio Nalory and it s a rare person who has t been pierced by one. Do you remember when you were walking Dawn the Street and the Little voice of guilt was whispering you know you should t have had Apple tart and ice Cream for dessert. You know you should t have been Ealing dessert at All for the last  it s True the Waistband was feeling a Little snug but thank goodness the extra Lew pounds were pretty Well camouflaged that s when you met the person the one who ruined your Day. You be gained a Little weight but it s becoming the person said. Is such a person Worth knowing perhaps compared with the one who listens to you order 3,000 calories of chocolate and whipped Cream and says Good Lor you. It s great to see someone who still eats Rich  and compared with the one who hears you order sirloin Steak medium and mutters cholesterol  in a holier than thou voice before turning to the waiter and asking for Lish and salad with Lemon juice it s True your cholesterol is up but whose business is Hal look out for your own health. It s possible for an Urban business couple pulling children through College to enjoy the company of single career Man and woman. It just gets a Little difficult to take when the single person describes his planned beachcomber trip 10 Bali Fiji and Tahiti and concludes with and where Are you going for vacation the guilt there in t so much at what you d like to do to the South seas bound traveler but that for a Brief moment or longer you have this urge to Trade your children in Lor two Economy tickets it s not a Given but almost that any Man or woman Over 40 without a Gray hair has had maybe just a Little hint of a tint. And everyone knows that glorious blondes and brunettes at 50 owe a Tot to science. Which does not mean that they want to hear such comments As i love your color ii looks so natural or i like your color the Way it is now it s much softer or worse still to someone who had to postpone a color appointment. Have you decided to let your hair go gray1?" the other Day a Young woman who travels to an exercise class each week heard two words thai rankled he the whole weekend. It s True that she and promptness do not have a hard and fast relationship and hat she is perhaps a Little Touchy on the subject. But still this one week she started out with More than enough time to spare. Naturally thai was the Day of a spectacular traffic snarl. By the time she got to class she was 10 minutes late and fuming late again said a fellow exerciser As she walked in. It was the last Straw after such an extreme Elfort particularly As there was that Kernel of truth in it. It s also the last Straw when the last thing you want to do is go out but you be committed yourself so you pull yourself together dress carefully drag yourself out of the apartment and land wherever you re supposed to land. By that time you actually Aren t feeling too bad and you think you look pretty Good. But of course there s someone around to puncture that illusion. You look tired says the someone. Most playwrights and authors have complexes about their work. They should be working harder longer it should be going Aster it should be better. They know exactly what they should be doing and what they Haven t been doing which is Why so Many of them loathe the people who Greet them with How s the play coming along or How s the Book coming along with actors the comments they can live without usually have to do with employment and age i Haven t seen you in anything since. What have you been doing will get you on the hate list of almost any performer other than Sylvester Stallone and Jane Seymour. And probably even they would t be too crazy about the fact that you weren t up to Date on their latest activities. And if that one does t work and you re determined to get on the list try i be admired you since i was a child or i can remember you in name of play or film. You were the most Beautiful handsome thing i be Ever  on second thought there s an even better one that performers love. It s when they re going into some glittery event and the autograph seekers shout Are you anybody the stars and stripes Page 15