European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 3, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse Helping children Cope with the stress of a remarriage by Lawrence Kutner new York timezone of every six american children under 18 years old lives in a Ste family according to a 1984 census Bureau study. By 2000, that proportion will grow to about one in four government studies estimate. For Many children and parents too the transition to a new family is upsetting. Even the most psychologically astute parents often find that they Are unprepared for the effects the new marriage May have on their children. We quickly Learned that it was t going to be the Brady Bunch said or. John s. Visher a psychiatrist in Palo Alto Calif. He and his wife or. Emily b. Visher a psychologist each brought four children to their marriage. The frustrations they experienced led them to found the Ste family association of America in 1979 and to write three books on Ste families. It did t help that we were in the mental health Field John Visher said. We were As unrealistic As anyone parents can do several things to help children Cope with the stress of a remarriage. The first task researchers generally agree is to spend More time building the marriage and less time worrying about How your children feel about what is happening. That is not to say you should ignore your children s feelings. But several recent studies show that divorced and widowed parents tend to Little attention to their own needs As couples and focus on the immediate needs and demands of their children. Many new couples with children postpone honeymoons or do not go out with adult friends for several months after the marriage. The remarried Parent feels guilty and holds Back from forming a solid relationship with the new spouse because she feels she s betraying her child if she does that said Emily Visher. But the opposite is True. The children get a couple that they can count on " children perceive the rights and privileges of stepparents As very different from those of biological parents. A stepparent who rushes into the role of equal Parent by making rules and enforcing discipline often finds those efforts rejected or ignored by the new stepchildren. Our research shows that the biological Parent should maintain the primary parenting role and use the stepparent to Back him or her up said or. James h. Bray a psychologist at Texas woman s University in Houston who has been studying children in Ste families. The largest number of behaviour problems such As getting into trouble at school and the largest amount of anxiety and depression in children occur when the stepparent moves in and tries to take Over the primary parenting role Bray said. His research showed that it can take four years or longer for a child to accept a stepparent As having an equal role to the biological Parent. In general the younger the child the earlier he accepts the stepparent. Parents should also expect girls and boys to react differently to the new marriage. Although divorce appears harder on elementary school age boys remarriage appears harder on girls said Bray. Two and a half years into the new marriage girls have a More Distant relationship with their Stepfather than boys his research showed. Stepfather need to recognize that there is nothing abnormal about that and that it is not a reflection of something they have done. For both sexes Young children usually adapt to the Ste family More quickly than older children. Children of divorced parents generally have More trouble adjusting to the new marriage than children of a widowed Parent. Teen agers who Are trying to break free of their old roles within a family and to test their Independence often avoid emotional involvement with the new Ste family. They May never View the stepparent As having the authority of the other Parent. Younger children sometimes express their uneasiness Over their changing family through anger at both the biological Parent and the stepparent. Behind the anger we often find a lot of sadness about the losses represented by the new marriage said or. David Fassler a child psychiatrist in Burlington vt., and the author of changing families a guide for kids and grownups role reversal when the child employs the Parent r by Franny Heller Zorn new York times last january Frank Ross was retired from his Job As a clerk for a new York was company policy he said. I never wanted to but by March he had a new career bookkeeping for his son s printing company in Sacramento Calif. It was a godsend when my son asked me to work for him said the 65-year-old Ross whose wife had died late in 1987. I am learning a whole new Field and i have the flexibility of my own hours. After All i m related to the such Parent child role reversal May seem like a scenario for a television family sitcom but it is one solution for retired people who want to re enter the labor Force in part time jobs with flexible work schedules. In 1987, according to the Bureau of labor statistics 3 million of the 28.1 million people age 65 and Over were employed. About one third of older people work at some time after they begin receiving social Security benefits said Philip Rones a senior economist with the Bureau in Washington. Stepping into the family business has been a Gateway to the Job Market for generations of sons and More recently daughters., experts see the role reversal with parents working for children As an Opportunity for family growth. This is a pro family policy said or. Robert n. Butler the chairman of geriatrics and adult development at the mount Sinai medical Center in new York and the pulitzer prize winning author of Why survive being old in America Harper & Row 1975. This is an inter generational strategy which meets the needs of the three stages of the life Cycle children parents and grandparents he said. It s what i Call productive aging the family has always been the no. 1 banker and caretaker for older these Days Elsie Sevin 70, of Hollywood Fla., is the banker for her daughter Betsy Eisenberg who owns the Welby Van Horn Tennis Camp in Boca Raton Fla. The Camp draws children from All Over the world among them Are mrs. Eisenberg s three sons who spend the summer there. Sevin is the business manager but she deals with More than the books. She handles the campers minor medical problems arranges their transportation and soothes their homesickness. A few weeks ago she rescued a camper from France who arrived at the Airport two Days earlier than scheduled. This Job has Given me a whole new life she said. It keeps me Young. The Tennis Camp has a different atmosphere a different age group and a different medical group from the one i am usually this is Sevin s third career. She retired twice from jobs As a teacher and an office manager for her husband a physician. After his death in 1975, she welcomed the Chance to work full time for the Camp season. A professional she knows who is Boss. Betsy runs the Camp she said. I work for her and i treat her As an Eisenberg 44, who lives in new York City when not at Camp said that the relationship was a Little Touchy at first. The child was the employer she said but now my Mother understands that this is a business that i have to take full responsibility. She can t be in charge of it. She looks to me for decisions and we work very Well working together has changed their relationship in other ways. I see a whole different Side of my Mother Eisenberg said. She has More patience with the Camp s kids than she had with me when i was growing when his children were Young Edwin l. Knetzger jr., 63, was Busy building a career in the insurance business. Until two years ago he was the president of Johnson & Higgins a multinational company. He is generally credited with or blamed for pushing through mandatory retirement for the company s directors at age 60. He stands by the policy. I think some schedule of retirement As imperfect As it May be makes both succession and personal planning possible Knetzger said. Although he admitted that some of his retired friends Are miserable he said he had looked Forward to retirement and travelling with his wife. But his family had their doubts. My father is a Type a personality said his daughter and new employer Louise Knetzger 38. She is a principal in Gallagher Knetzger an advertising and marketing firm in Conshohocken pa., where her father has begun a second career. When his daughter and son in Law were expanding their new business and asked him to join As their financial and business strategist he could t resist. Like Eisenberg and Sevin Knetzger and his daughter found that it took time to work out the role reversal. He d come racing in with his Agenda Knetzger said and we d All drop what we were doing. It was my role to say look dad can you see it this Way sometimes i have to overrule him because i m the advertising expert and i have to Call the it was an especially anxious time for Knetzger when she and her father began sales Calls together. He was so successful in business she said. I was afraid i would t measure up As a business the father daughter team unnerved others As Well. We d go to see old business contacts of dads she said. There would be this wide eyed look on their faces. But then we get past the social and into business and we walk out with my gaining the respect of the potential client and dad no longer looking like a retired Man filling his Knetzger s husband and partner in Gallagher Knetzger Dan Gallagher sees other changes in the family dynamics. Our relationship has gone from father in Law and son in Law to a wonderful Friendship he said. It is like a Hundred years ago when a family worked the land together. Everyone has a role in the ways to get child to keep room clean by Marianne and Stephen w. Garber and Robyn Freedman Spizman Cox news service w hat s the bes method for getting my 9-year-old daughter to cleanup her room or keep i clean a Reward system she just does t seem to letter from mrs. B. Dear mrs. A clean up your room is a familiar chant for Many parents so it came As no Surprise when we received a number of letters related to this Issue. When mom predictably does the straightening after the kids do the Messing there s no reason for children to learn to clean up their rooms or anything else. When we All clean up after ourselves is the prevailing attitude in a household however then everyone grows up assisting with the chores. If a child does get a Little Lazy there s incentive for her to reinvest the Energy when you allow logical consequences to run their course. If enter at your own risk is a sign that could be tacked to your youngster s door and if you be gotten in the habit of cleaning up for her Here Are some new Steps to try be a role Model by setting the tone and the example. Don t worry if you re not naturally neat and organized the kids will have a Chance to see you struggling with it. Set a goal and work through the muddle together. If you want your child to make her bed make every attempt to straighten yours. Define the task. You cannot assume there will be instant Reform. Nor should you expect a child to know what you mean by clean up your is out of sight out of mind acceptable or must there be order behind closed doors begin by teaching your child what you expect. Help her the first time through the project finding places and spaces that make organization simpler. Involve her in the process because when she finds ways to stash her stuff then Shell be More Likely to use them. Brainstorm solutions to the question where do i put. You can shop for colourful plastic bins or recover shoe boxes to make attractive storage spaces for ribbons barrettes socks and All those other items that get stuck in drawers. Take a picture of the room when it looks terrific and pin it to the door follow up pictures help maintain motivation. Make it a race for Little ones teaching children to accept responsibility at an Early age makes it easier. Toddlers love to help and they feel like grown ups when they Are encouraged to put their skills to use. If the fun wears off be inventive. Challenge your child to set a cleanup record and time her with a Stopwatch. You la hear shouts of glee As youngsters perform feats of magic by cleaning up while your eyes Are closed. Suggest there might be time to skate or take a walk and you will be surprised by the whirlwind your cleaning Crew whips up. Build the habit. Encourage your child to pick up her things As soon As she s finished with them. Avoid mount Olympus with Friendly inspections on a daily basis moving toward a weekly goal. Give your child an Opportunity to set the time when her room is open for Tours Praise your child s attempts with specific compliments. Set minimum criteria and Reward Effort with a selection of activities and ways to spend the free time that her efficiency creates. In addition prepare a Chart marking the Days that she meets minimum standards. Award Points and let them accrue to a Long term Reward of her choosing. Play out the natural consequences of disorder. Once the Means to be neat Are created it s fair to implement logical contingencies. Games and possessions left out by inspection time go in a timeout Box not to be played with until the next inspection or longer. The lesson will take hold when the toy she wants to play with is off limits. Provide extra practice to encourage cleaning up. Over correction Means letting your child undo the error of her ways in such a manner that she truly becomes aware it was easier to do it the first time. A Wash it yourself Box is the perfect location for clothes that weren t put in the hamper. When your child s favorite outfit is a mess the next time she wants to Wear it Shell get the idea. Furthermore on Wash Day supervise her picking up her dirty clothes collecting those for other family members carrying them to the laundry area separating them into piles and then washing and drying them. Yes the supervision will take some of your time but the experience will make an impression. She probably has no Conception of How much Effort is involved in completing this one task. Allow her the Benefit of additional practice if clothes Are left out again. Once your child is accepting her share of the responsibility on a regular basis be prepared to help her out occasionally. Don t fall Back into old patterns but it s of to pitch in when she s overwhelmed with school tasks. That Way she learns everyone is ready and willing to do an extra share when the demand Calls for it. That s what being part of a family is All about. Marianne and Stephen w. Garber and Robyn Freedman Spizman write a column on child behaviour for the Atlanta Constitution and journal which is distributed by Cox news service. Page 14 the stars and stripes wednesday Augusta 1988 the stars and stripes Page 15
