European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - October 19, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse Flames of romantic love often Burn out i Hartford Cournal f you re dedicated to the idea of romantic love i i yur marriage May be in danger. You a a prime candidate or burnout says psychologist Ayala a Pines. Even those who have figured out that love does 1 conquer All Are still Pray to some very unrealistic notions about love and marriage according to Pines author of keeping the spark alive St. Martin s press. If you want life to be lived on a dream Cloud of love constant intimacy and magic if you expect the simple acl of marriage to give focus and meaning to your life to answer Allol file s Basic questions you Are going to be disappointed. Hanging on to those notions guarantees burnout Pines writes. True marriage burnout she says is a slate of physical emotional and mental exhaustion caused by Long term emotionally demanding situations in which a discrepancy Between expectations and reality exists. It is different from conflict caused by pathology such As alcoholism Pines says. But burnout is not All bad she says. Ii makes people confront the fact that things Are really not going As Well As they wish. So often people can go on in situations that Are not really of but not bad enough to do anything but Loo Many couples refuse to change. Pines says because the marriage is not bad enough. For Many couples especially those whose conflict is longstanding consulting a marital therapist is by far the Best strategy she says. She cannot overemphasize the importance of examining the marriage before burnout sets in. If after 30 years of bitterness disappointment and Hurt couples begin to address their problems it s Lar harder to resolve them. In her practice she stresses joint responsibility. I always look at the relationship As something two people Are creating Pines says. A couple will come to me. And one is the victim the other the victimized i Don t buy that. It s some Lhing both of them Are doing together. They re All too Quick to put labels on things to s such and so neurotic narcissistic. What s the Point affixing labels May make a person eel More in control of a problem but it works against open mindedness Pines says. She urges couples to address such questions As Why did you tall in love with him what was in it Lor you in this marriage couples beginning therapy often have lists of gripes about each other i Don t let them complain she says so they can concentrate on what want so wrong with something both wanted so much. Then you look Al the a lessors Pines says. She believes that whatever aspect a spouse finds most stressful in relating to the partner is related to same Lhing that initially was attractive. And couples olten need a third parly to Point out the insidious effects of everyday stress she says. Work overload conflicting demands boredom. Housework noise crowded living conditions or constant demands to prove ones Are draining. Bui often the difficulty in coping is translated As a grievance against the spouse. Burnout is not inevitable Pines says but All is not a romantic fantasy. While it is definitely Irue that the person we fall in love Ullh is human and thus incapable of fulfilling All of our needs some to Upas manage to live with this sad really quite successfully she writes. Thai to nol to say they never have problems in their marriages or disagreements or disappointments. But in is to say Hal they choose to take responsibility Lor those problems disagreements and those couples Success in part can be Ahri Buflod loan environment that is supportive challenging and relatively Iree of hassles and stresses she writes. But they also have a High degree of commitment to the relationship and a sense of control Over in. Friendships than Romance so the study focused on coping with jealousy in non romantic areas. In fact Salovey adds what Little data we have on romantic situations indicates that none of those coping strategies work As Well in moment la situations As they do in non romantic that coincides with the distinction that blues and country songwriters have fervently insisted on for years. As one put it i Cen t build a Bridge to get Over based on his prior research with Rodin Salovey has come up with some probable explanations As to Why some coping strategies work better than others and Why dealing with romantic jealousy is especially hard. Everyday speech often uses the terms interchangeably but the researchers make a critical distinction Between envy and jealousy. They define envy As social comparison we feel envious of other people when we believe they Are better than we Are in some Way that s important to us. They Are smarter better looking or Richer for example. Jealousy on the other hand has to do specifically with social relationships. It typically flare when to believe a relationship with another person especially a romantic one is being threatened. An earlier study based on a Survey of 174 students found that it mix of feelings in envy and jealousy ranging from anxiety to anger to sadness was about the same. The difference was that each of those emotions rated on a scale of 1 to 7. Was much More intense for jealousy than for envy october 19,1988 across All emotions jealousy got a higher rating than envy Salovey says. One reason Lor this is that in romantic jealousy you feel sick at heart not Only about losing a relationship but also because you believe that the third party must be better than you in some Way to have won Over your beloved. As one country Singer put ii it look a hell of a Man to take my Ann but it sure did t take him Salovey notes envy can exist on its own but jealousy rarely exists without envy being a part of another reason Why jealousy looms larger May be Hal its expression and thus its bitter experience Are socially approved. You Are permitted to express negative emotions openly in that jealous situation Salovey notes. You can feel so bad about in that you la write a country song Aboul but even in a capitalist culture such As ours which deliberately promotes envy to stimulate competitiveness and productivity it is considered improper and even unethical to express those feelings Salovey says society says it s of to protect what s yours to value it to try to keep somebody else from getting it. But it s nol of to covet what someone else has and especially it s not of to begrudge them for having it he says. Envy is one of the seven deadly sins but jealousy in the extent to which envy and jealousy can be evoked and intensified in experimental situations is striking. In a 1984 Sli Idy the researchers gave a bogus personality lest to 80 slide nos. In the Guise of Lake test results some slide nos got negative feedback Aboul themselves in an area that was important to them. Those students registered More intense feelings of envy and jealousy Aller Reading stories about successful people similar to themselves. Self Reliance May work because in shores up self esteem against the weak Points that intensify envy and jealousy. On the other hand self bolstering probably does t work As Well because it does t address these weak areas that really Are making you feel bad How can you think Aboul your Good qua Lilios when you re so pie occupied with the one you re gelling negative feedback aboul7" Salovey notes. Envy and jealousy Are such powerful emotions Hal they Are a significant motive in murders and a major complaint among people seeking psychological help. Salovey says. As Lor sell destructiveness one country song sums it up she s acting single i m drinking but since jealousy is found in Many different cultures some see it playing an evolutionary role. It May serve As an emotional glue holding together the relationships. Necessary for child rearing. And Salovey notes that Tor All the pain they evoke. _ envy and jealousy can play a positive role. If you Don t feel envy or jealousy in a Given situation perhaps whatever is being threatened in t Hal important to you. Emotions such As envy and jealousy May help us determine what our priorities Are. In a sense Hal s Good we learn from them the stars and stripes Page 15
