European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 10, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns colors for the ladies Cowboy garb for the gents by Dave Barry Knuhl Hidder  we arc pleated to present our annual fall fashion Outlook it realize we Are a bit late but when we saw the exciting new fashion look for both forties and men quite frankly we were so overcame with emotion that we had to lie Down in i he fell. Position for Lite better part of october the a or source of our excitement concerns you ladies because this year you will be permitted to Wear gel ready for an involuntary lower Back spasm of Oil colors yes colors As you Are aware for he past several years it has been a serious fashion violation for women to Wear anything except Black the result being that when you went to a social gathering you fell As i Hough you had been beamed to the planet of the Yoko Onos. Everywhere you looked you saw women dressed As widows and after a it drinks you d find yourself weeping into i he Avocado dip. Things reached the Point in More fashionable areas that when there was an actual funeral the real widow had to Wear cheerful pastels jus so she could be identified. But it s Over ladies Black is out. We realize that we told you Block would always be in fashion but the simple truth is we lied. So sue us. But first we want you to donate your Black garments to the poor for use As halloween costumes and then go out and buy yourself a completely new wardrobe in the exciting and mandatory fall colors. To find out what these colors Are you must consult the major fashion magazines which have thoughtfully provided special fall issues each weighing roughly 30 pounds or More than inc average fashion Model. This is because the fashion magazines have courageously decided to publish Many articles about the new look despite the risk of attracting Mil lion of dollars Worth of advert Ising for designer clothing. Our favorite color related article from Elle Magazine was written by Paris novelist Madeleine chaps Al who states " remember How excelled we were when designers like Pierre Cardin de ques Faith and Christian dior audaciously began combining greens and blues after world War ii we Only wish thai we could have seen these courageous designers in action Al this crucial juncture in France s glorious  the nazis Are Gonel thank heavens now we can Combine greens and blues a speaking of courage you men Wilt be pleased to hear that this fall we have a bold Strong and rugged look for you a look that we Call pretend  look in your leading male fashion magazines and you will see Page upon Page of Manly models wearing Cowboy style ensembles consisting of Coats n hats n Bools n jeans just like what a real Cowboy might Wear except they Cost More per. Ensemble than a nuclear submarine. These models Are grimacing at the camera in a rugged manner their eyes reflecting Trie film Frontier awareness hat they Are Miles from their Supply of hair gel. The biggest designer name in the pretend Cowboy fiend is Ralph Hombre Lauren whoever has a Cowboy Cologne called chaps. The West has always reflected the Sparil of the american Man slates a chaps advertisement. Crops is a Cologne thai captures the spirit of this  we Are certain that it does. We Are certain thai Back in the Days of the wild West the cowboys never went Oul on the Prairie without first splashing on some designer Cologne despite the hazards this posed. Say pardner How come those dad burned indians always seem to know where we Are you know what we think would be fun we think it would be fun to go with or. Lauren and a group of pretend Cowboy models on an actual Entile drive. Think of the excitement of listening to them yell out traditional Western cowpoke remarks. Hey i specifically requested beige Calliet these cattle do not go with my ensemble another look that remains fashionable for men i the enormous Clown style pants featuring pleats Large enough to hide illegal aliens in accompanied by a hang glider sized Shir with this very important the top Bulton buttoned. We fashion experts considered taking the next logical step which is to have you men actually Wear Large hand lettered signs that May Geek but we decided to save that for next year. In terms of business fashion we continue to recommend that you males Wear conservative suits accessorized by win clips suspenders Bow lies slicked Back hair pursed lips and wire rimmed glasses a look we Call deceased  Low income in t synonymous with Low class by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners perhaps miss manners a become aware that Many people use the terms Tow class and High class when they mean people of Low or High income respectively. Perhaps miss manners will have encountered a High income family whose adults and children she would not allow anywhere near her own. A person would not truthfully Call this family High class in contrast perfectly delightful considerate and educated people Sivc been categorized As Low class simply because of income level such imprecise terminology allows imprecise thinking and incorrect behaviour. For example it is easier to callously accept legislation or other actions that May harm the status of Low income families if they Are thought of As Low class in social moral and behavioural categories. Perhaps the worst effect of All is thai a grossly improper importance is placed on wealth As opposed to education social awareness responsibility and proper behaviour. I am pleased to say that my very first image of miss manners was wrong. I have teen that manners arc not conventions of archaic snobbery but rather if applied properly a Way for people to be gentle with the sensibilities of Al i others. Gentle Reader miss manners is delighted to give you a gentle Welcome to the Good fight. She has always been puzzled by the Peculiar usage you describe. Does t she vaguely remember from perhaps of some 200 years Back an idea about this nation being a classless society Bui even if one must use the term class to describe Levels of a achievement in a meritocracy is ridiculous to assume a match Between manners and Money. In the most strictly class bound societies aristocrats Are always scrambling for Money which goes a Long Way toward explaining Why they find the heirs of Middle class achievers so fetching but manners Are free. In a society As Ridden As burs with expensive status symbols where every Purchase is considered a social statement there is no easier or cheaper Way to distinguish oneself than by the practice of gentle manners. Dear miss manners t recently received a Telephone Call after i had gone to bed. It was from an old Friend. Awakening from a deep sleep i listened with monosyllables of acknowledgement. Besides her calling me after 10 on a work night my question involves what is the proper response when she announces that she has remarried her second husband her third marriage. Does one offer congratulations or a sigh of Relief that she is coming to her senses and adopting a financially secure Way of life for herself and her child this in t the first time i be wondered about such things As another Friend recently announced marriage to a former mate. Does one Send a gift or a gift certificate for psychoanalysis gentle Reader now now. Estimating any newlywed couple s chances for happiness financial or otherwise is properly confined to the whispers and biggies of Ihler friends. When talking to the couple themselves unrelieved optimism is required. All you need to say is How Nice i m so Happy for you 1 wish you both great  presents Are optional for any but first marriages. Also optional on the occasion you describe is a Yawn and the sleepy inquiry what time is it anyway provided you answer any subsequent apologies with of no that s quite All right i m so Gud to hear your Happy  dear miss manners would it be acceptable and proper on the response card of a wedding invitation to ask an invitee to select one of two main dishes to be served Al the reception gentle Reader miss manners understands that you mean Only to please he guests and that the Advance information would enable you to inform the caterer what is required however she begs you instead to choose a menu from which people could satisfy a reasonable Range of tastes or requirements. Treat ing a wedding d inner like a restaurant Outing is a poor idea. What would you do if someone crossed out the choices and submitted a menu of his own dear miss manners there Are few terms used for close relatives that make me bristle. If one chooses to Call his Mother mom that s just Fine. But hearing people refer to my mom. Her mom or he mom brings Oul the worst in me. I remain Calm to the observer but inside i am judging editing and fuming. There Are some women who actually say things like i m a mom  i also bristle and edit when t hear my dad has dad her  of and i die a Little when an otherwise Fine woman Speaks of her  whatever happened to Mother father and children in the third person what say you on the matter dear miss manner so gentle Reader Pear miss manners prides herself on being something of a stuffed shirtwaist. But even she cannot extinguish the warm glow he gels from hearing people refer with obvious affection to being parents arid grandparents. Please pick a less charming informality for bristling purposes. Dear miss manners when you Are invited to a restaurant for dinner and you have chatted for a while does the hostess or the guest suggest leaving gentle Reader either. The hostess might say would you like anything else when it is obvious to All that nothing further can be required until breakfast. The guest replies of no thank you this has been delightful when the Bill has been paid everybody stands up. The next thing you know you Are headed out the door a weary guest can also say Well this has been delightful heartily and often enough for the hostess to get the idea that it is Over. November 10,1988 Stii pts Magazine