European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 28, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                There s a Black sheep in every family fold by Margo Kaufman new York times when families gather around the Tabletop traditional least during the Holiday season there is traditionally one person who is conspicuous by either absence or presence. Mate or Legate. Fieri or poor married or single Young or old Lee Lolaler or alcoholic this person is often the object of ridicule pity envy Awe fear scorn embarrassment or secret admiration Lor As the proverb goes there is a Black sheep in every  yet the Black sheep is an important if often unwelcome guest. The subtext of thanksgiving and Christmas holidays is the Celebration of the  said Elizabeth Stone who wrote stack sheep kissing cousins mow out family stories shape us times books 1988. The inclusion of the Black sheep testifies to the family s dominant value which is family  Stone said that the Black sheep needs id be there Lor the holidays to remind the rest of the family of How won Martul they Are " otherwise she said one of the flite sheep might look quizzically at someone else and say. Hey you look a Lille Grey " anyone can be he Black sheep for just about any reason in families there Are one or two opinion leaders who define the values and culture of the family said Jerry Jettison a psychology professor at the University of Southern California. Those values can be moral or ethical they can rest on Success in business or involvement in sports or the arts. The Black sheep is simply the person who deviates from the family rules. My Mother at one time had trouble with the fact that i was a  said j. Ted Vidmar a child psychiatrist in Pasadena Calif. It s easy to say my son the surgeon or my son the internist Bui my son the psychiatrist was embarrassing. Where we come irom in Colorado psychiatry is nol quite undefsleod.". Thomas Lasswell professor of clinical behaviour at the James a. Peterson censer for human relations Al the uni varsity of Southern California said most Black. Sheep Wei Seif defined people Ell me that they re the Black sheep rather than having someone in the family Tell  he said. It s usually a mutually. Agreed on direction but the Black sheep accepts it with a smile on his   -. Still Lasswell said most people who Call themselves Black sheep have actually distanced themselves from heir families. While they May Long to go Home for the holidays and enjoy the tailed Call Hal s been fixed Lor their return he said they have to realize that the same forces that made them leave in the first place will. Probably still  -.-. Ono sell declined Black sheep Hunter Marquez said i m irom new Orleans where no one Ever leaves my family has been Here Lor generations and generations and they Don t rust anyone who s been gone for More than 10 minutes. In the South All you have to do is Cross the stale line and you become the Black shop Erma Bombeck Marques an Arlisle Irving in los Angeles continued my Mother and father Are straight arrows. They have no idea what i do i go Back and they esk what Are you doing you still looking Tor work if t say f Solo a painting they Roll their eyes and say us huh pass the eggplant and the Crawfis has for going Home Lor Christmas this Black sheep bleats Baa humbug.". Never the holidays Marquez said. The extra pressure of a targe family gathering would simply be too much. How do you Deal with a room Lull of relatives who Are still talking about losing the civil War Michael dare an underground arms critic musician in los angolan proclaimed i was the Black sheep growing up. And i m still the Guy standing in the Corner muttering who Are All those people All we have in common is the  dare said with a sigh "1 truly wish 1 could think of thanksgiving As a Holiday of pleasure but i think of it As a Holiday of torment. I would give thanks if i could slay Home.". So Why does this Black sheep return to the Laid pare said simply my Mother Calls me up and wails your family does so much for you. You never do. Anything or your family. A thai s not quite True the Black sheep is the ,. Amity s safely valve its outlet Stone  get a lot of mileage out of the Black sheep As against the family Skeleton. The Skeleton Stone said is tucked away and you Don t talk about  the Black sheep however needs to circulate needs to be seen and most of All needs to be discussed in some families the Black sheep is used As a Scapegoat an object Lessen to keep the other sheep in line. I was the one who pioneered things in the Amity like smoking pot and growing my hair Long so i became the Black sheep said Ken Simons a pension consultant living in Santa Barbara. Calil. My brother is eight years younger than me and my parents kept warning him that if he did t toe the family in line he might turn out like his big bed  Simons continued when i finally moved out of the House my parents sent my Little brother to my apartment with a Bank Book from a savings account that they had started for me when i was born. All the Money had been withdrawn my Tula brother handed me an itemized list of every Penny that my parents had spent on toys clothes health insurance and College tuition. It really destroyed our  by contrast some families live vicariously through their Black sheep. For example Oscar Fruchtman s family was quite supportive when As he recounted god told him one night to give up his Job As an English teacher in East Harlem and move to Venice Calif., a scruffy Beach front Community and prime Black sheep pasture land. Everybody expects me to do things Tike that said Fruchtman. A Princeton University graduate and former president of United synagogue youth who Hopes to conned with comedy writing or  he explained i have 25 cousins and a lot of them Are doctors my being a rebel is a Novelty. They like the feet that i have interesting stories to Tell at the family parties.". Uke Frukhtman Many Black sheep revel in their inky fleeces.  it gives me a certain amount of Freedom said Stephen Marks a Ballimore resident who uses his Black sheepish Ness to maintain his Independence while working in the family business. Everybody knows belter than to push me too Lar Carlfred Broderick a sociology professor at the University of Southern California said let s face it without a Black sheep there s no drama in the family soap. You need the Black sheep or a Tittle spice a Little garlic. If it weren t Lor sorrowing Over How your Uncle always shows up drunk on thanksgiving and spoils things you d have to watch the football  of course each family has a different attitude toward its most errant member Purs Aren t considered Black sheep As much As they re considered drastically weird said Robin Cork an Olf while sheep now living in san Francisco. The attitude is More of that s just the Way they Are ". " fortunately her family is easily amused. Cork remembers visiting her family in Texas one Christmas and asking her grandmother Why one Cousin a dentist who is usually a Holiday regular was absent Cork recalled grandmother kind of shrugged and Saidof it was  with the Racehorse,1 it turned out that my Cousin had doped a Racehorse. My family agreed it was unfortunate that he got  because he brought shame to the family  Cork said. Because they All loss their  warning this column is High in empty calories and contains malarial that might be considered obscene to couples who contend you Don t have to have a piece o paper to be  fifty years ago on thanksgiving Day my parents paid $2 Lor a piece of paper it was a wedding. License. Aller my dad plopped Down the iwo Bucks to had s4 left in his pocket. Mother wore a wine coloured dress my dad wore his Only suit they blood Flower less and without music before a Justice of the peace. Following the wedding their friends had a Hall Duvien people to dinner and All Edwsrd they went Square dancing. On monday both returned to work. As a stepchild i have watched every Day of that Marn Syo and its March to the  i thought in was going to crumble the night 1 heard them arguing in the Kitchen after he had slopped off with the Guys after work and drank Loo much. It did l. .1 thought they would go separate ways in the silence. Thai ensued after Mother miscarried the Only child they would Ever conceive together. They did l. When he returned from the War with tuberculosis and she Rode that solitary bus every night to the a Hospital to visit. I thought the stress might end it. But it did t. There were a million times when jealousy words spoken in anger disappointment disagreements in Laws Money exhaustion from the struggle and despair threatened to pull them apart they did l. After a while i stopped worrying. I realized there was nothing thai could drive them apart. Even last year when my dad was rushed to the Hospital and the spiritual adviser told Mother he had had a full life she said he was going to have a Fuller one because next year Rny daughter is going to give us the biggest parly the City has Ever  it was not the biggest parly the City had Ever seen but it was he wedding my parents never had. Complete Wilh Flowers music and a crowd of 60 of their friends As i glanced around the room 1 did some fast  were 1.1b1 years of marriage represented in that gathering. Eleven couples had been married 50 years or More. One  had been married for 59 years. When i mentioned this to one of my son s friends he Shook his head in disbelief and Sard our generation does t have that kind of attention  i want to thank my mom and dad for the great gift they have Given my husband and me and their grandchildren they gave us stability in a world thai has Little they set an example for us to follow. They gave us seat on the 50-Yard lined two lives that weren t always perfect but always with enough love to make up twit. " mom reminisced your dad s ring Only Cost $3. Mine Cost $10." and then she whispered to me they weren t real diamonds you know they thought they were. That s what was important. Page 16 the stars and stripes monday november 28,1988