European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - December 3, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse I test 11 they can Urbain. A or child ? Fen 10 iroc Ify and t or in useful Wildron lox it and Lofv or. John m. Goolman. A developmental psychologist Al the University of Washington at Seattle whereas parents will put up Wilh a Tot Iron their children Peers will just walk away it they Don t like what the child is Gohman has been studying How Young children rom different family backgrounds interact Wilh other children. Those whose parents Are unhappily married try to avoid con lick when they play with their he said they Don t seem to learn How to manage conflict Wilh their intends very Well. They also Don show the same Joy. And sex Clement about friendships thai other kids Sim Diar research conducted Al Duke University showed a Strong relationship Between parents skills at making friends and the child s skills research into How children perceive popularity has shown thai until they reach adolescence few children understand the role their own behaviour plays in How Many friends Hoy have. Children will toil you Hal people who have a lot of friends Are just Lucky i gainsaid. Psychologists often differentials Between two types of children s friendships school friends and neighbourhood friends the categories they admit Are poorly named. School friends Are selected because Hoy share some social activity in of out of school with the Chstr. Neighbourhood i rinds Are selected simply because they Are convenient. Children Rale their neighbourhood friendships As less close than their school friendships said or. Thomas j. Berndt a developmental psychologist at Purdue University who has been studying the features of Friendship in childhood and adolescence. They Likely to be Between equals than school friendships but if there s no one else to play with hat s who you la play even so Here is sometimes an apparent mismatch Between a child and his school friends that can worry parents. Why does a child befriend a bully a daredevil or a whiner Why does a child suddenly snarl hanging around with schoolmates who Are destructive if a child is attracted to a aggressive Friend if May to Hal he has aggressive Leo Lings himself Hal he can t express Urbain said. It s a Way of experiencing things vicariously through the other similarly befriending a daredevil or a. Child who has a different set of social skills is of ten a Safe Way of testing out a new set of Behaviours Wilf out committing to them. This usually does t Lead to a Long term change in a child s habits Berndl Sard at children get Alder Parent need to exercise tact in their friendships. Overseeing children s friendships new York times. I t s cd for parents to scrutinize their children s friendships advised dry Caroline Howes a developmental psychologist in the graduate school of education at the University of California Al los Angeles Bui the older the child is Iho More tactful parents have to be in the Way they try to change very Young children you can Lake control of the. Situation in which your child interacts with the Friend you Don t like or Don t Trust. I the Friend is aggressive you can supervise the children s play and Foster cooperative non destructive games. You can use the situation to help your child practice somewhat older children you can begin talking about your values. Help the child Nolice How being around certain friends affects his own behaviour. Practice with your child what it would be like to refuse logo along with something Iha other child wants to do. Instead of saying Don i Liko your friends it s perfectly of for parents to say i Don t feel comfortable Wilh you going Over to so and so s House Howes said that does t make the child As defensive about his As children get older Raroh Biling them irom seeing a. Particular Friend May have the unwanted affect of making Hal Friend seem All the More attractive one key to preventing this appears 10 be the amount of control children have had in making decisions for themselves about friends and other important matters. In studying this researchers have drawn a distinction Between so matted authoritative parents and "authoritarian.parents," parents peed to know where they will draw the line As far As what they will tolerate from their children s friends said or. Robert l Selman. A developmental psychologist and the director of the Laboratory of human development Al Harvard University. Authoritative parents clearly state their values and. Set limits but they leave room for their children to make choices within those boundaries he continued. Authoritarian parents simply Lay Down the Law parents who be Learned to negotiate with their children stand a much Buller Chance of resolving this Type of. Problem /. Selman and other psychologists contend that some children especially teen agers find themselves in social relationships where they re in Over their Heads and Don t know How to Cope Wilh fhe most battling adolescents often want you 16 make some choices for them Selman said they want o use their parents As a Way to say no " attractiveness color their perception a the Parent s i potential partners. Some Young teen agers become angry at a Parent s sexual activity. Most took at whal the Parent does As a Model Lor their own relationships. There May also be divided loyalties especially if the teen Ager has a Good relationship Wilh the Parent who does not have custody said or. Ron j. Prinz professor. Of clinical psychology at the University of South Carolina i at Columbia. The child May see dating As a betrayal of she of her Parent he said this is especially common in Ami ties where Hal of parents do not got along after the i divorce.". Some teenagers feel obligated to act As a Type of. Surrogate for Iho non custodial Parent a family in which the divorced Mother teen age girls started seeing a Man steadily. At first the girls seemed to like their Mother s new Friend. But As that relationship became More serious the Imber 3,1988 oldest daughter became increasingly d Viive. The oldest daughter started saying what she left Het say Horwitz said the More the girl liked the Man the More threatened she Felt on behalf of her father. She needed to feel thai she was there for single parents should keep in mind that Many children accept a Parent s Daling quite naturally said Prim you should t assume that there will be / studies of single Parent families have found Hal stress Between Parent and child can often to prevented. Although you should make it Clear Coyour children thai you need to spend time socializing with other adults child develop Mon experts advise a gains single parents bringing their Dales Home Loo quickly""-.". Don l involve the Chi Deri until there s some stability. In your relationship Wilh the other adult advised Bray. Of Baylor College of Medicine in Houston who works with divorced parents and Ste families one of the dangers in divorce for kids is that mom. " wife Dale several people and the kids will a involved quickly he said. The child begins to form an. Attachment and then the person is gone and the child is upset. Reassure the children repeatedly that you Are not abandoning them emotionally or physically. This a especially important for very Young children. If the children Are 6 or younger you should talk to Therri about How you la always come Back alter the. Dale said Taylor University. These kids sometimes worry trial in mom goes out on a Date she might not come children Are very sensitive to a Parent s anxieties. If. You Are nervous about a Date Tell your children thai that is what is bothering you not something about them. Owe children permission to discuss the situation Wil Hyou when they feel unhappy or lonely advised Horwitz of the University of Rochester the stars and stripes Page 15
