European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 27, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A  is Branda Hoster what children need most says Pat Deshaies is unconditional  school Counselor Pat Deshaies Gente Contro by Don Tate staff writer s she walks in away from the squeals and giggles the ricocheting laughter of Young voices in the hallway she gives an impression of quietness and patience of being in gentle control. For a school Counselor working midst the hubbub of 950 Young voices in a rising chorus of me me. What about me these seem very valuable qualities indeed. But Don t be fooled by the Placid smile says Pat Deshaies Counselor at the american elementary school in Darmstadt West Germany. This Mother of six All out in the world no who is originally from Australia says her seeming unflappable presence certainly was t present As she was growing up. In her soft aussie voice she notes that beneath the surface of that Placid Pool oils the feisty temperament of her red headed Mother still unplaced at nearly 90. It s there in me in the genes like an old tape i have to keep turning  years of practice of damping the natural fire with reason and education enable her to enter a room like a calming Breeze causing people to murmur things like do you know she s the most patient person i be Ever met. I be never seen her  in Pat Deshaies work getting upset in t what it s about. Getting people mainly Little people in upset is what it s about. Deshaies is a registered nurse with advanced training in counselling and mental health and plenty of hands on experience All the Way Down to diaper level. In one recent week alone she saw 230 children individually in group sessions and in classrooms. Everything from bloody noses to tender psyches comes through her door. Everything from mental band aids to psychological Battle dressings is applied. The most common problem she sees at the elementary level that of acting out kids. Acting out their feelings. Fighting name calling causing abuse in some Way or another. Kids who in some cases Are almost bringing themselves  what does a child need most in her View the most critical need at any age for a kid is unconditional love warts and All. And right after that being Able to communicate with  kids might say it differently. I was in a second Grade class recently and i asked them if you could talk to All the grown ups in the world How would you Tell them to treat kids and they said three things talk nicely to us. Give us treats when we re Good. And Don t beat us that says a lot and there s More. In this school we try to instill in children a respect first of All for themselves for their uniqueness. We try to build feelings of self Worth. And we teach them to respect other people equally. The Worth and individuality and rights of other people. We teach them to be on time. To do their work. We try to have a very caring environment. There is always a Structure within which they work but it is a decent  there is also a Fine balance Between creating too Many rules she says and encouraging creativity and curiosity. Go too far one Way and you re molding Little robots too far the other and you re looking at Little anarchists. What troubled children often bring to school she says is a very diverse value system. In our society values Stem from Christian beliefs from the ten commandments. From the Golden  the value system some children bring from Home however May be closer to the Rule of do it to them before they do it to you. The question of values can get Sticky she says. We re not allowed to mention god or prayer or religious symbols or to impose our values on children in a Public school. We can t do any of those things and yet you see children who Haven t that kind of training from any  even the acting out kids however learn to respect the fact that you really care says Deshaies. If you really  she calculates that school Only has the children 12 percent of the time. But we Don t give up and even if we Don t reach everyone the ones that we do reach make it All worthwhile. Mostly we have really Good kids and parents who try very  Pat Deshaies has the credentials to compare. She has worked in stateside schools steaming with the troubles of the times suicides runaways drugs anorexia kids thrown out of their Homes lots of broken Homes. I remember one school had five children by the same Mother with five different names and five different  Deshaies finds it hard to flatly categorize any kid As just bad. I be never met a bad  but temperament and conditions Reg she says nature and nurture conspiring can turn out some pretty damaged goods. We see some children for whom the future looks pretty Bleak. We just wish we could get through to  a child growing up hearing stupid dumb you re no Good just like your father or mama is travelling some troubled Road says Deshaies. A child growing up getting beat up by his Short fused parents could turn into an even Shorter fuse. When a child comes into her office she invites him or her to sit on a Couch near some Teddy bears puppets and a doll House. The child will often Start acting out his conflict pounding puppets jerking around Teddy talking to and acting out with papa and mama in the doll House in ways he would t dare in his real House. Art therapy the kind of pictures a child draws also provides Good insights into Why Little Johnny is Little scared Johnny or angry Johnny. We be had parents say Well that s your problem the child is just perfect at Home " Deshaies who does t pretend to be Sigmund Freud tries to take an approach she Calls reality  changing behaviour and dealing with the child in practical ways. If the child is being abused the Case is referred to people who can take preventive action. If a child is having trouble getting along with other children for less serious reasons she often invokes solutions As Basic As keep your smile working. You look so much better when you  or to some Little Downtrodden ego Don t worry you re of. You re All  she advises parents to make time for them every Day. Be interested in what they re doing. Celebrate with them their Little triumphs. If they have one Good Day make something of it. If they have several Good Days make a lot out of  a pattern she sees often for Good and ill is that when you get right Down to it most of us Parent the Way we were parented. The Way we talk to each other treat each other. If you had a cold unfeeling Parent a rejecting Parent an abusive Parent you have to watch yourself with your own children. It s very hard for a child to survive in a family like that. They think that s the Way everybody treats their children. It goes the other Way too if you had warm Loving  Deshaies has counselled Young people from preschool through High school and in such diverse settings As an orphanage and a Home for teen age boys. As a general Rule she says kids want Freedom but they also want limits  setting limits is toughest in the Junior High years which Are the most difficult Ages for nearly everyone to Deal with. In those years kids Are trying on All kinds of grown up ways which today can be fatal. Drugs drinking All that. They re trying so hard to be Cool to be accepted by their Peers. They try to be Independent adults today mothered and cared for like babies tomorrow. Such turmoil. So much is happening in their bodies they Don t know who they Are. They often Don t like themselves and they Don t think anybody else likes them  for Deshaies and others the growing up process of even elementary children these Days is too fast too soon. Too quickly exposed to violence sex drugs and All the rest. Designer jeans by the time they re 10. They re robbed of their childhood. Youth is such a natural High anyway they Don t need the other. They Don t need to be shoved into acting like cutesy Little  one bit of reality therapy for elementary kids she offers is 1 turn off the television and 2 turn off the television. The part of it that is very negative very unhealthy for the  Deshaies and her american husband Andy a former combat Pilot decided six was enough when they evened out at three boys and three girls. When Andy was in Vietnam flying cover for helicopter rescues Pat was Down in the trenches of Texas earning medals for courage beyond the Call caring for their half dozen. Unfortunately i took my child counselling training after the fact. I found out How to do it right after i had already done  in her Job Pat Deshaies stays Busy giving advice and working out problems for others. But there Are times near the ragged Edge of a stressful Day when the fog of everybody s trouble creeps in almost too thick to see straight when she knows it s time to regroup her thinking. Like just to go out for a 20-minute walk and get away from everybody s problems. Sometimes you have to get  the Good Counselor smiles the gentle smile. It s amazing How Seldom i get out for that walk i keep talking about. I d better counsel myself to Start listening to  monday february 27, 1989 the stars and stripes Page 13